Yeah. I had nothing.
My mind went to his brother, who was dealing with his own devastation from our loss. Brayden needed support. He’d get that from our teammates, yeah, but he needed family, too. And Jude should be there for him, not worrying about comforting his brother’s fucked-up teammate.
I knew what I had to do.
18
Cody
My knock seemed to echo down the hallway, but it wasn’t as loud as the sound of my pounding heart. I’d flown home from Toronto, alone, and after making a quick stop in my parking garage to get my truck, I’d come straight to Jude’s hotel. Even so, it had taken me almost seven hours to make it to his door. Seven hours of replaying everything in my mind, trying to find the words I needed to say. Seven hours of feeling fucking sick to my stomach, of feeling devastation on top of devastation, knowing I was losing everything in a single night.
When Jude opened it, the combination of concern and relief in his tired eyes was almost enough to make me change my mind.
Almost.
“Hi,” he said softly, stepping aside to let me enter his suite.
I closed my eyes, unwilling to see that expression on his face anymore. It hurt too much. “Sorry I took so long.”
His arms came around me, holding me like I was something precious, and for a moment, I let myself have this. To let his warm, solid presence soothe me, to chase my troubles away.
It couldn’t last. Before he could ask me anything about how I was, I steeled myself, opening my eyes as I drew back and gently pulled his arms away from me.
I forced myself to meet his gaze. “We need to talk.”
His body stilled, his eyes growing wide. “Cody? What’s wrong?”
Everything.
“Hey.” Undaunted by my defensive posture, he reached out his hand to cup my jaw. “Talk to me. Whatever it is, we can work it out.”
Fuck. The way he was looking at me. Like I meant something to him. Why did he have to be so fucking understanding? It made everything so much harder.
“I need…I need some space. It’s been…a lot. I need to process everything and figure things out.”
His lashes swept down, obscuring his expression as he bit down on his lip. “Oh. Uh. Okay. Yeah. I get that you need space. I just thought— Never mind. How long?”
“I don’t know. The team’s gonna be busy with wrapping everything up. All the end-of-season stuff. So I’ll be busy.” Swallowing hard, I forced the rest of the words out. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine. You should be with your brother now. Spend as much time as you can with him before you leave. Not me. He needs your support.”
“I can do both. I can be there for Brayden and still be there?—”
“No.” I shook my head, hating myself for what I was about to say. Hating that I knew I was hurting him. “We need to be realistic. You’re leaving in less than two weeks, Jude. You’re going to be moving to a new house and a new team. You should be focused on that. On your family. You shouldn’t be worrying about me.”
“I shouldn’t be worrying about you?” He stared at me, hurt shining in his bright green eyes. “Cody, what the fuck? Icareabout you. You’re important to me. That’s not gonna change just because?—”
“Because what? Because I’m a fucking failure?” The words came out harsher than I’d intended, and he flinched back. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable. “Because I let the team down when it mattered most?”
“Cody.Stop. You’re not a failure, and the loss wasn’t your fault. You’re part of a team. It’s not fucking Cody Clements and his backup squad.” He stepped right up to me, his nostrils flaring as he struggled to remain calm, grinding out the words between harsh, frustrated breaths. “It’s not. Your. Fault.”
Shaking my head, I moved away from him, needing distance between us. I stared out of the window at the lightening sky, painted with muted greys, feeling like the worst person in the world. “No. This is me being realistic. I’m a hockey player who fucked up at Boston and fucked up again tonight when I lost the biggest season of my career. You— You’re about to become a star player. You need to focus on your own life. Not the life of a fuck-up like me. You’re going to go back to England and have an incredible career, and eventually this thing between us will be a distant memory.”
“Is that seriously what you think?” he said shakily. The misery in his voice was like a knife to my chest. “You don’t know that. You don’t know the future.” He sniffed, and I turned around to see a tear fall, leaving a glimmering line down his cheek.
Fuck. My own eyes filled, and my voice was hoarse when I finally managed to speak. “I do know that. Because you’re a fucking talented athlete who’s just been signed by an amazing team, and you have your whole life ahead of you. And someday, you’ll understand why we had to end things when we did. You can’t delay the inevitable forever, Jude, even if you want to.”
The room fell silent except for the hum of the air conditioning. Another tear tracked down his cheek, but he didn’t bother wiping it away. “So that’s it? You lost a hockey game, and all of a sudden, you think I’m better off without you? That’s fucking bollocks, Cody.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing.”
