CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
D glanced at Xander as he took the last bite of his breakfast. The tension in the air was thick and D hated it. He could count on one hand the times he'd argued with Xander, and he hated each and every one of them.
"I've got the dishes." Jeremy ran a hand down his arm. "Why don't you two go talk?"
Xander tipped his glass, swallowing the last of his milk as he watched D from the other side of the table.
Matt stood. "Yep, Faith, Jeremy, and I will clean up. You two get out of here."
Faith nodded. "I agree. I don't like you two fighting."
D sighed. "We're not fighting. I'm just mad at him."
"Well, it will be fighting if you don't talk." Faith took D's plate from in front of him. "Remember what I said? Xander's one of the good things."
D smiled at her, but quickly looked back at Xander.
Xander nodded toward the backyard.
D gave a single nod before standing, planting a kiss on Jeremy's lips, then heading for the door.
Xander was right behind him. Neither of them spoke until D had closed the door and taken a seat at the picnic table.
"Why didn't you tell me you guys were keeping tabs on my parents?" There was no point in making small talk. He wanted answers.
Xander sighed. "Like I said, at first it was to make sure they hadn't turned to another kid, but then it just became a habit. Something Carter would check from time to time. There really wasn't anything to tell. It's why we never brought it up to you. It wasn't until last week that he came to me and let me know your dad died."
"You shouldn't have been checking up on them. If I wanted to know, I would have asked. I walked away from that part of my life. I never asked you two to keep it open behind my back." D sighed. "Did you ever think I didn't want to know when he died?"
"I don't believe that for a second. What your parents did has stuck with you all these years. I know you too well, Dys. No matter what you say, you've thought about it, remembered it. I hoped that hearing he was dead might finally give you closure. It might help you finally move on." Xander ran his hand down his beard, holding it in a tight fist. "Dude, I know you better than anyone else does. I know what you run from. I know the ghosts that haunt you."
"You're wrong, Xan. Finding out he's dead doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away what they did. I hope he's rotting in Hell right now, but knowing it wouldn't take my pain away. You're right in the fact that I did need something to help me get through it, to help me move on, and I found that something in Jeremy. He's saved me from the man I used to be. He's the one who quiets the demons when they start to come after me."
"Good, I'm glad you found what calms you. That's how Matt was for me, but I still don't believe hearing your dad's dead means nothing to you. I don't regret checking up on them, and I don't regret telling you. It's something you needed to know."
"Why? She's still alive. The world is full of evil fucks like them. So what, he's dead. That's one child abuser out of millions. I survived, I moved on. A lot of kids aren't that lucky." D took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm more pissed that there were secrets between us. I thought you out of everyone would know better."
"You would have freaked out if I'd told you."
"Like I am now? Damn right I would. I would have told you to stop. Forget them, act like they were already dead. That's what I was doing until you showed up yesterday to inform me differently."
"Fuck, D, seriously, you don't even care?"
"Why would I? They didn't care enough about me. In all the years you watched them, did they once look for me? Did they act like they cared where I was?" He stood and walked to the railing, turning to lean against it as he stared at Xander. "Did they give a fuck about me?"
Xander sighed, but didn't answer.
"See, they didn't give a fuck, so why should I? The asshole is dead, so what? Let him rot. I don't give a shit anymore." D stared at Xander. "What I do care about is being able to trust my best friend. To know we don't have secrets between us."
"We don't, at least not any other." Xander stood, taking a few steps toward D. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I really thought you'd want to know. I thought it would help you heal."
"How do you heal from that shit?" D shook his head in disgust. "There is no healing. There's walking away, there's trying to forget, but there is no healing."
"I just thought—"
"Don't think for me, okay? Don't even try. You weren't there. You don't know. You might be my best friend, and you might know more than anyone else does, but that doesn't make it okay for you to think you can make choices for me. You, Carter, and probably Bryon too, were out of line keeping tabs on them. That's all I'm going to say about it. I love you, Xan, I really do, but this went over the line. We don't talk about them again. Ever. Okay?" D stared at his best friend.
Xander nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry. You're right. You had a right to know. We were wrong not to ask you what you wanted." He took a heavy breath. "Are we cool? I can't handle it if this sits between us. It's already hard enough with you so far away. I can't go home knowing there are issues between us, Dys."
