“I could not say, but I also do not care. I refused his offer to step away from our betrothal and have instead determined that we shall wed.”
Miss Carshaw blinked at him for a few minutes, then wiped the edges of her eyes with one finger.
“This is quite overwhelming,” she whispered. “Please believe me when I state that I did not want any of this. I had no idea that you would be forced into matrimony.”
“Of course you did not. I know that you did not plan any of this. It was my choice, Miss Carshaw. It is I who ought to be making certain that you are not angry with me!”
Miss Carshaw shook her head.
“I could never be angry about what has taken place, Lord Wiltsham. You do not know what you have saved me from.”
“I believe I do.” Benjamin gave her a small smile, reaching across with his free hand to touch her fingers lightly as they curled around his arm. “You shall no longer have to marry Lord Bullfield. Is that not so?”
Her hand tightened lightly for a moment or two, her breath catching in a hurried gasp as if she had only just truly recognized what she had been saved from.
“That is true. Ihavebeen saved from a future with Lord Bullfield, but you have also saved me from the need to run away from London, and from the life that awaited me with him. You have saved me from a life where I did not know what I should do.” Her eyes flickered up to his and then darted away again. “That was my intention, you see. I had every thought of leaving London so that I would not have to marry Lord Bullfield, but I had no plan as to where I would go or what I would do thereafter.”
“You would have done that? You would have gone to that extent?”
His heart ached for her as she nodded.
“I would have done anything I could think of to make certain that I escaped from my brother. Could you imagine what my life would have been like if I had wed Lord Bullfield?” A slight shudder ran over her frame and Benjamin caught the edge of it as she leaned against him a little more. “It would not even have been worth thinking of.”
Benjamin nodded slowly, taking his eyes away from Miss Carshaw as they continued to proceed around the room, albeit at a rather slow pace. The ball was continuing, with people laughing and dancing and smiling and, no doubt, whispering about the fact that a betrothal had been announced without any prior warning of Benjamin and Miss Carshaw’s attachment. For his own part, Benjamin did not much care. He was struggling with a sudden rush of guilt that threatened to overtake his entire being. Had he done the right thing? Yes, he had saved her reputation, but she was now to marry a gentleman who had no wealth. She had no awareness of that as yet, of course, but that was the truth. When was he to tell her? Perhaps shewouldhave been better leaving London and going out into the world to seek a life for herself, one way or the other, rather than staying to wed a gentleman such as he.
There will be her dowry, of course. That may aid me in the immediate future.
A twist of his heart brought a sudden rush of pain as he thought of what his world would have been like without her in it, had she left London. It grew all the more as he imagined her standing up in church beside Lord Bullfield, pale and sorrowful. No, despite the desperation of his own situation, he was relieved that they were now to wed – he simply had to find a way to tell her of his situation.
Opening his mouth to say something, Benjamin turned his head to glance at her and again noticed the paleness of her cheeks. His mouth snapped shut. This was not the right time for him to tell her anything, given the present circumstances. No doubt she would be most upset if he did so and, given the state of shock that she was already in at present, it would not be wise to make things worse.
“I am quite sure that you will provide me with a happier life than either my brother or Lord Bullfield could ever have done.”
Miss Carshaw’s soft voice reached his ears and Benjamin smiled at her.
“I have every intention of doing so, Miss Carshaw.”
Her free hand reached across to settle on his arm, her fingers pressing into it gently.
“I should be thanking you for what you have done, and I am aware that as yet, I have not done so. I confess I have been a little overwhelmed by surprise and relief, but I should like you to know just how grateful I am to you for promising yourself to me. To know that I will not have to wed that despicable man, nor will I have to leave London and try and make my own way in life, is of such a relief to me that it feels as though I am already beginning to walk down a different path. I have not the same burden as I had before. But I have you to thank for that.”
Benjamin’s guilt redoubled itself, as he tried to find something to say, some way to explain matters without making her suddenly afraid. He had done precisely what he had promised himself he would not do: he had managed to betroth himself to a lady of quality, but without having the means to care for her.
“I shall be free.” Her voice was soft as if she could not quite take in all that had just happened. “From this moment, my brother has not the same hold on me as he had before.”
“No, he does not.” That much was true at least. “That is not to say that we shall not have our own difficulties, however.”
Miss Carshaw let out a gentle laugh.
“I am fully aware that not every marriage is easy, Lord Wiltsham. But I shall be forever in your debt for what you have saved me from.”
Clearing his throat again, Benjamin looked away. Would she still be grateful when she realized that there was no coin? No wealth to speak of? Perhaps he had done her a great evil in taking her as his bride. Regardless of his decision to hold this back from telling her for the present, he found himself speaking quickly, words tumbling out one after the other.
“Miss Carshaw, you must understand that I have some difficulties at present which will continue on into our married life together. That is… what I mean when I say that we shall have our share of problems.”
He was bumbling now, managing to confuse himself as well as the lady, for her eyes darted up towards his, rounding gently.
“I understand. Lord Wiltsham. It would be foolish to believe that every marriage goes on to be a perfectly contented one. I understand what it is that you are trying to say.”
