The Mortician
Two bodies…way more than two hours. So much blood. I almost didn’t have enough actual cleaning supplies for the job. Malek would have loved this scene. Probly would have come all over himself. I’d smile, but I forgot how bad it stinks, dissolving human remains in chemicals. I’ve got my gas mask on for the fumes, but…woof. Mom and Dad took advantage of the empty schedule this weekend, so thankfully, I’ve got the place to myself. Greg and Maggie wouldn’t likely be here either way. They typically spend whatever days Maggie’s not locked up in the hospital, doing shit with the girls.
I often think about my sister-in-law when I’m doing my own work. She cuts people open to save lives, I cut them open after they’re gone, but the idea is pretty similar. She’s one of the best heart surgeons in greater Maine but bless her…she never has time to sleep, eat, or wash the sweat off. I hope they did something fun while I chose to stir a steel sink full of bad guysoup.
Gross, Seven. Be your own friend. Jesus.
Friends. What a charming notion. Apparently, there’s one waiting for me back at the house, and I have to be honest…I’m intrigued. Something must have happened when he left earlier today—with my fucking dildo—and I’m very curious as to what that might be, but I’m not gonna fish for answers that might land me in whatever hot water the idiot’s found himself in. I should be worried that he’s gonna pull another stupid thing in my apartment, but at this juncture? Are any of my secrets safe? He already carved his name into the most personal item he couldfind…but if he eats the rest of that chicken salad, I might actually kill the bastard.
It was well after midnight when I was finally on my way back home. I redialed the number he last called me from, cracking the window to let some cool air in.
“It’s 1:38…do you know where your kids are?”
I smiled. “You’re showing your age.”
I heard him yawn and couldn’t help but do the same.“Still got your maid outfit on? Leave some blood on it for me?”
“Grow up.”
Malek snickered and I heard shuffling on the phone.“Hey, did you know…it can take as little as eighty pounds of pressure to tip over an upright headstone?”
“That right?”
“Yeah! And the average modern-day headstone is typically made from granite, so it can actually withstand a wee bit more if it’s…erected…properly.”
I snorted. “Fascinating. You shopping for yours? I know a guy.”
“You’re no fun, Viper.”
I clicked my tongue. “Okay, I’ll bite. What am I to do with this useless information, exactly?”
“I was trying to figure out how easy I should go when I bend you over in the cemetery and do all these things in this…very enlightening literature.”
Oh…my God.
I did my best to hide the whimper, thinking about what I know is in that book. “How cute. You’re studying? Having a hard time coming up with something on your own?”
He scoffed.“Oh, I never have a hard time coming. You’ll find out soon. It’s a real good thing you specialize in cleaning bodily fluids and jerking organs.”
“Just remember you said that when I rip your heart out, Romeo.”
“Not the organ I was thinking of…”
I grinned but suddenly needed the window rolled down a bit more. “Tell me you’re not talking shit in front of your sister. You really are disgusting. In every possible way.”
“Oh, you have no idea. And I’m not. She fell asleep in your coffin. I can explain.”
“No, no…explain first, where you’re reading all this literature if she’s asleep in my favorite spot.” There was a pause. “Malek.”
“I—I’m in the kitchen.”
“Get out of my fucking bed. Right now. I’ll be home in thirty minutes.”
“So bossy. Makin’ my organ har—”
Call ended.
This idiot. I shook my head, laughing to myself. Jury’s still out on whether or not I’ll forgive him yet for this manic intrusion into my life but…it’s sucked a little less the past few days. It’s like some weird highlight now that I find myself looking forward to, and feel kinda sad if he’s not popping up everywhere I’m at. And it’s only been a week of this torture. What’s even more weird is that I was low-key worried about how strange his sister would think I was when he brought her in there, but clearly…she’s comfortable enough to curl up in my darkness and sleep. Is this actually happening? Have I been granted real friends?
