“First, do you love Nolan?”
“Do I—?” Well, did he? He’d told Nolan he was falling in love because what he felt went deep, but he’d been expecting some kind of lightning-strike moment that told him yes, this was love. It seemed like the universe was going to make him figure it out for himself, though. Whenever he and Nolan were together, he felt happy. He thought about Nolan all the time and always looked forward to seeing him again. But was that love?
“I think that’s the crux of the problem here. He’s either a guy you like to fuck after work, or he’s a guy you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. And I think you have to decide which of those he is. If he’s just a guy you like to fuck, then great. Get your own place, preferably here in Crown Heights so I can walk over and hang out with you all the time, and continue seeing Nolan for as long as it lasts. If you treat it that way, it will probably end, like you said, when you stop doing the TV show together, whichwillhappen, because unless you’re that born-again couple with eight kids who make everything beige, most Restoration Channel shows usually only do two or three seasons, right?”
“I guess,” said Grayson.
“Or, you go for it. If you love this man, if he’s who you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you make a commitment. I know this isn’t exactly how you saw your life going, but has anything gone the way you’ve expected in the last five years?”
That was a fair point. “Nope.”
“So. Do you love him?”
Grayson closed his eyes and pictured Nolan’s face. Earlier that day, they’d spent a few hours in the studio, designing the Martins’ house and chatting with Helena about the rest of the season. Nolan had been in a good mood. He’d brought Rachel to the studio, even. He’d filmed a talking head to be inserted into the beginning of the episode about the Martins where he explained that he had adopted a baby. He’d put Rachel in a bouncy chair, and she burbled happily while they debated color stories and kitchen materials.
It had felt nice. Even the studio, which lacked the hominess of a real design studio because it was a set, felt more like a home to Grayson than his own apartment, probably because of the people in it.
“I do,” Grayson said. And it was true. He loved Nolan.
“There’s your answer,” said Danny.”
“Okay, but… I don’t know if I’m ready to be a father. That’s a lot of responsibility.”
Danny narrowed his eyes at Grayson for a long moment and then took a sip of his beer.
“What?” said Grayson.
“We’ve already had a deeper heart-to-heart than I’m really comfortable with, so I’m just going to say this thing and then we’re not going to make a big deal about it, okay? Just… I’m your best friend and I love you like a brother. That’s where this is coming from.”
“Okay. Just say it.”
“You’re the strongest, most capable person I know, Gray. When your parents kicked you out, you moved back to New York with not much more than a couple hundred dollars and a stick of gum, and somehow you made that work. You got a job and a place to live with zero help from your parents. You know my roommate Pete? He fills a suitcase with clothes every weekend and goes out to his parents’ house on the Island so his mom can do his laundry for him. Aiden’s parents pay his rent. And, like, I have nothing against that. This city is a fucking hard place to live. Butyoumade it work. You got a job doing what you love, and now you’re doing it in front of a huge television audience. You figured out how to succeed in this city all without any help from your family. I’m honestly in awe, because I don’t know how I would have gotten by if my dad didn’t back me up sometimes. I think you can do anything if you put your mind to it, including taking care of that baby. I mean, look at all the work you did to set up Nolan’s loft. Sure, I helped a little, but that was all you.”
Tears stung Grayson’s eyes. He hadn’t realized Danny saw him that way. He didn’t see himself that way. The past few years had felt like such a constant struggle that now, when he didn’t have to struggle much anymore, he wasn’t sure how to handle it.
“Thanks,” said Grayson. “I promise I won’t embarrass you by saying something schmoopy about how much I love you too.”
Danny winked. “Uh-huh. My point is just that if you want to be a dad, you can be a dad. You can do anything.”
Grayson didn’t think that was true—there were plenty of things he couldn’t do—but he appreciated the sentiment. And he was awfully fond of that baby girl. Just last night, she’d woken up in the middle of the night, and Nolan had been sleeping so soundly he barely stirred, so Grayson got up and fed her, and they’d had a nice little moment rocking in the chair.
That had been a pretty fatherly thing to do, hadn’t it?
“Okay. Thanks, Danny.”
“Anytime. Can we talk about sports or hot guys or Marvel movies now?”
Grayson laughed. “Sure. I mean, if I wasn’t in a relationship, the waiter with the dark hair could get it.”
Danny turned to look. “Oh, yeah. Oh… look at that. The view is even better from behind.”
So they moved on, but Grayson had a better idea of what he needed to do now. The only trick would be convincing Nolan.
Chapter Twenty-Four
GRAYSON HADstruggled with what to say to Nolan so much that they basically just skated by for two weeks.
But most of the season was now in the can. They were finishing up the Chu house this week, the Martins’ next week, and a third house the week after. So Helena had set up cameras in the studio in front of a brand-new sofa—it was a real sofa and not the old prop they’d had until then—and planned to film the talking head interviews where Grayson and Nolan explained what was happening in each episode.
