“If I had known, I would have come sooner,” Nolan said. “I didn’t realize—”
“My parents kicked me out three years ago,” said Grayson.
Nolan held Grayson closer and stroked his hair. He hadn’t even had a clue. Grayson rarely talked about his family and seemed so happy-go-lucky all the time. It had never occurred to Nolan that he might have this kind of trauma in his background. Then again, when he thought about it, Graysonhadsaid a few things that made Nolan think his New England upbringing was not always good or healthy. He’d never been explicit or said he was unhappy, he’d just dropped comments here or there. But Nolan hadn’t ever imagined it was this bad.
He held Grayson for a few minutes and felt it when Grayson started to calm down.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Nolan said, “but you can if you want to.”
Grayson pulled away slightly. He leaned against the wall again but didn’t go far from Nolan. He took a deep breath and started to talk. He spoke slowly and kept having to stop to catch his breath.
“I came to New York for college, and I had this life-changing experience where I had the freedom to be myself and meet people like me. I found this whole new family here. But I graduated from design school and I was broke, so I went back home. Only by then, I couldn’t go back in the closet.”
He gasped, his breath shaky. Nolan reached over and took his hand, but Grayson kept going. “My dad never liked that I wanted to do anything artistic. He didn’t like that he was spending all this money on a school where I learned to be a designer. I mean, what value does decorating a room even have?”
Nolan understood the question to be rhetorical, so he didn’t interrupt to argue in defense of his profession. Instead, he squeezed Grayson’s hand.
“I think my being queer was the last straw for them. And, I don’t know. I wanted them to know me, the real me, and I thought they loved me and it would be okay. But it wasn’t.” Grayson’s voice shook. “I didn’t have a job lined up when I graduated. I figured I’d go back home, wait tables for a bit, save some money, and then come back to New York and find work. But my parents said I couldn’t stay there anymore. I had, like, three hundred dollars to my name. I was driving this old junker of a car that I’d gotten as a gift for my eighteenth birthday, so I loaded everything that would fit into it and drove to New York. So basically I spent the next six months couch surfing. And when I couldn’t find a couch to sleep on, I slept in my car.”
Nolan put a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t imagine being young and sleeping in a car in New York City. “That must have been scary.”
“Terrifying. I kept worrying someone would steal my car and I’d lose everything.”
Nolan’s heart broke for Grayson. Seeing Grayson open and vulnerable like this… it did something to Nolan. He’d never expected that Grayson had this kind of depth. That all he wanted to do was make it better surprised Nolan. He wanted to make a home for Grayson, one he’d never be thrown out of, full of love and empty of judgment. Realizing this was astonishing.
Grayson squeezed Nolan’s hand. “I finally got a job as an apprentice at a big design agency, and it paid peanuts, but at least I had money to rent a room in my current apartment. I had to sell my car to make rent one month, but still. I can’t tell you what it means for me that you pickedmeto help you out with this show. I hope you know that you changed my life. Even if things with us don’t work out, even if the show only has one season, this has opened so many doors for me and, hell, just the regular paycheck itself is life-changing.”
Nolan took Grayson into his arms and hugged him close. “I had no idea.”
“The only people that do are my parents and the friends whose couches I crashed on. I don’t like to talk about it.”
“I won’t push you to say more than you’re comfortable with, but you can tell me anything. If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”
Grayson shot Nolan a watery smile. “I like to think I’ve made my peace with it. My parents didn’t want me? Fine. I’ll make my own way in the world.”
“And you have. You have.” That Grayson had learned how to survive in New York with nothing impressed Nolan. Nolan didn’t think he could have done it.
“So, okay.” Grayson sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “I’m sorry. I fudged some of my credentials. Ididdesign that wedding, and I did do some work for a big agency. But I only really have two years of experience, and I—”
“You’re a great designer, Gray. You have good instincts. I don’t care if you fudged anything.”
Grayson sighed into Nolan’s shoulder. “I’m really sorry about walking out of there, but this is so fucking hard. Listening to those kids talk, it just brought up every terrible thing I’ve ever thought about myself. About how I disappointed my parents, how I wasn’t good enough for them, how deep down, I’m still just this fucked-up queer kid who nobody wants. All of that came back and I felt overwhelmed.”
“Your parents are fools for not wanting you. You’re amazing.”
“Yeah, well.” Grayson pulled away and wiped at his eyes again. “I know I’ve been quiet all day, but I had a feeling this would be hard. I was worried I’d freak out, and I sure enough, I did, right on cue. I thought I could compartmentalize everything, but being confronted with it… I don’t know. It’s so hard. And, at least I was twenty-two. I can’t imagine what it’s like being a teenager and getting tossed out of the house.”
“That’s why places like this exist.”
“Yeah.”
“You know, it might be cathartic for you to put some work into this space. Make a good home for these kids so that nobody has to go through what you did again.”
“Yeah. I think I’d like that.” Grayson took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. “I must look a mess.”
“You’re fine. I have a couple of things to work out with Marcus before we can leave, but then I’ll take you home, okay?”
“Yeah. Do you mind if I sit in the car? I need a few minutes to myself.”
