“This doesn’t have to be a thing you freak out about. It’s easy and casual. We’re just two guys hooking up because we’re attracted to each other.”
“Okay.”
Grayson stepped closer to Nolan and put his hands on Nolan’s waist, pulling him closer, until their chests touched. Then he kissed him.
Some kind of muscle memory kicked in. Nolan at least knew how to do the physical stuff. He could kiss, he could touch, he could… well, not go through the motions, but he knew the moves to make. Or he had, when he’d been with Ricky. What if Grayson liked different things? What if Nolan didn’t know how to do those things?
“Shh,” Grayson said, pulling away slightly. Nolan felt Grayson’s breath against his lips. “You’re tensing up. Just relax.”
“I haven’t had sex in almost two years,” Nolan blurted.
Grayson nodded as if it was common knowledge. “I figured. But hey, it’s like… riding a bike, right?” He cracked up. “That’s a dumb metaphor.”
“Can I ask you something?” Nolan said, leading Grayson toward the corner of his loft where his bed was.
“Of course.”
“I was pretty wild when I was twenty-five. I had a place here, in the Village, and I went out every night I could. My friends and I were regulars at this gay bar on West Fourth that closed down years ago. But, like, I had that moment in my life… and now I’m past it. Is it projecting for me to say that I think that’s probably the point you’re at now?”
“I go out some, I guess. But until I got this job, I was also pretty much always broke. And, like, not gonna lie, I’ve been on some Tinder dates more to get a meal than to hook up with someone.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize things were that bad for you.”
Grayson shrugged. “I had to keep things lean when I first graduated college, that’s all. You know, first job in New York. It pays peanuts. I live in Brooklyn with two roommates. Typical stuff.”
“Sure.” But Nolan sensed a bigger story. Something about Grayson’s expression hinted that something bad had happened. Hopefully nothing too horrible. Now wasn’t the time to press, though. “I don’t mean to pry. It’s just… I’m not in that place anymore. First of all, I’d look pretty silly in a gay bar.”
“You would not! My friends and I go to this drag show on Friday nights at a bar on Bleecker, and the crowd there is seriously, like, all ages. One of the regulars is this burly guy with a huge beard who must be, like, fifty? Sweet guy. His husband is one of the performers, but still, he fits right in. You’re not, like, ancient, Nolan. You always talk like your best years are behind you, but that can’t possibly be true.”
“I just turned forty. I guess I have a complex about it.”
“Well, knock it off.” Grayson sat on the bed and leaned back on his hands. “Have I hooked up with a random stranger here or there in my day? Maybe. Is that something I need? Not really. I’d rather be in a relationship. Not that I’m saying that’s what should happen here, but just… you don’t need to freak out, okay? This is only as big a deal as you want it to be.”
“The thing I’m struggling with is whether I want it to be a big deal.”
“You’re thinking too hard.” Grayson slid off the frilly scarf he was wearing and tossed it on a chair near the foot of the bed. Then he began unbuttoning his shirt.
Grayson was probably right. Nolan wished he could turn off his brain. Although Grayson was doing a good job helping him along. Who knew that just that sliver of exposed skin from Grayson’s Adam’s apple to his sternum could be so appealing? Nolan wanted to lick it.
Instead he stood there, a little awed as he watched Grayson take off his shirt while shooting him seductive looks. Grayson toed off his shoes, every one of his gestures easy and casual, which helped put Nolan more at ease. Yeah, Grayson had a point; this was only a big deal if they made it one.
Nolan took off his own shoes—awkwardly, because he was wearing oxfords that needed to be untied—and peeled off his socks, which he dropped in the hamper before sitting next to Grayson on the bed.
“You are a fastidious sort, aren’t you?” said Grayson.
“What do you mean?”
Grayson tossed his shirt over his shoulder, and it flew over the foot of the bed and landed on the floor. “Does that bother you?”
“No.”
“Because you put your socks in the hamper like someone who cares if clothes are on the floor.”
“I mean, I care, but it’s not a big deal.”
Grayson raised an eyebrow and then wriggled out of his black skinny jeans. Then he tossed those on the floor too.
“It’s fine,” said Nolan. He pulled off his T-shirt and tossed it toward Grayson’s clothes. “See?”
