Space is a graveyard for stars, I think. With Arizona, that would definitely have made it onto the strange page in my Kansas’s Strange & Beautiful Words: A Collection.
“Star-shimmer-night,” River says suddenly, turning his face toward me again. His cheekbone shimmers in an indefinable color because of a bruise there, but the swelling on his lip has gone down a bit.
Star-fall, I shape with my hands.
“Star-cradle.”
Star-longing.
He looks up again, and I do the same, at the milky white flickering of thousands of lights that may be graves. “Starry-night-eternal.”
We’re silent, and the word stretches so far that it seems to reach the arc of stars above us.
“A night like this would be perfect,” River says hoarsely.
For what?I think, a shiver rising within me.To kiss me again?
“You’re not going to leave me hanging at the end of the summer, are you?”
His words seem to fall from heaven.
Starry-night-eternal.
I look over at him carefully. He looks at me again, his hair like a wild fan around his head, starlight glittering in the deep night blue of his eyes.
Naturally, I know what he means—the real reason we’re traveling together. A dark feeling spreads within me, as if I’ve been suppressing something unpleasant for a long time. We’re not just River and Tucks running away together. We’re dying companions. Our trip has a purpose, and it’s not just going to Las Vegas or fulfilling my list. Well, most likely.
I slowly shake my head and grab his fingers under the sleeping bag.
Of course not, it’s supposed to convey. And in this moment, I truly believe it. No matter what he’s missing, no matter his mood, I follow him wherever he goes because I never want to be without him again. Not one day. He is my shield that protects me from the world. No, he is more. He’s my world. And if he is my world, I don’t need a shield. I already had these thoughts when we were at the river. He is simply everything. The answer to every question.
As he squeezes my hand, the sparkle in his eyes deepens, and I think that nothing so perfect should ever die.
“Maybe there’s glitter, baby,” he says quietly. “Maybe there’s music and poetry there.” He smiles.
Maybe there’s nothing at all. Or everything.
At that moment, he looks again like a beautiful angel of death who has seen beyond the shadows. Seductive and dark. Would I still fly with him if he wanted to?
The next day, we do a makeshift wash in the restroom of a run-down burger joint. My face looks bad. My jaw isn’t very swollen, but its coloring is similar to River’s cheekbone, and part of my upper lip looks like it’s been injected with Botox. Maybe that’s why River doesn’t kiss me.
After freshening up, we each have three cheeseburgers and fries for breakfast, down a liter of cola, and treat ourselves to an apple turnover for dessert.
Later, River stops at a hardware store in Arco and signals me to wait at checkout. When he approaches after paying, he has a charging cable and a black thing in his hand that looks a bit like my brother’s electronic car key.
“So,” he says resolutely, standing close to me, just as he did when he untied and retied my leash. I smell his scent of herbs, leather, and forest, and everything in me longs for his closeness and our caresses by the river. At that moment, all I want is for him to kiss me and never stop.
River shakes his head as if reading my mind. “Since you can’t protect yourself, someone else has to do it for you. Especially when I...” He trails off, looking at me strangely.When I sleep, I finish his sentence in my head.
I feel him click something to my jeans.
Automatically, I lean back a little, looking down, and see the black thing dangling from my belt loop, attached by a carabiner.
Perplexed, I raise my arm.
“This is an acoustic signal generator. If you can’t scream... all you have to do is pull this stick out here, and that thing will make a hell of a racket. The battery is already unlocked.”
I swallow, my eyes welling up. Because he thought of something like this. Because he makes me feel valued and worth protecting. Unlike my dad. Dad should have bought this for me.
