“Maybe she is up there among the stars, and that’s why you feel her. But she... she’s only still there because you’re not letting her go. You have to let her go, River... and you don’t have to jump to do that.”
He’s still looking at me.
“Don’t do it...” I’m more scared than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t reach him. I can’t stop him. I can’t do anything.
Except maybe one thing. I clumsily pry the crane off my wrist, but it takes a while because I’m shaking so hard. “Throw it down, okay?”
He stares at the blackbird as if he’s seeing it for the first time.
“You left it behind because you wanted me to find it. You wanted me to look for you.” I swallow hard. “You wanted me to come save you.”
“Some things are irretrievably lost.”
“You can’t just leave me alone. You can’t teach me everything about life and then jump like it means nothing.”
He laughs in that cheerful, sad way that awakens so many longings inside me. “You don’t know everything about life, Kentucky. Don’t show off!”
Even now, he’s trying to be funny. It’s maddening.
“I love you, River!”
“I hate myself. I hate this life.” A sudden spark of anger flashes in his eyes.
I shake my head. “And tomorrow, you’ll love it again. You know yourself. At seven in the morning, you want to die. At eight, you’re dancing on the table, and at ten, you want to jump. Then you drink a whiskey, go slacklining, and calm down.”
River looks at me in amazement but just says, “Not this time. I’m done with everything.”
I hardly recognize him through all the tears. “And what about me? Are you done with me, too?” I whisper.
He just looks at me. “I love you, Tucks. But I wouldn’t be good for you.”
I tug on the leash, but I don’t get an inch further. I’m still holding the crane out in his direction. “Let it fly. Let it fly, and we’ll go back, please...” My jaw clenches. “Give us a chance...”
He swallows and reaches for the little origami bird. For a few seconds, our fingertips brush against each other without me being able to grab hold of him. “Do you truly believe she’s up there among the stars?”
I nod.
River looks at the paper bird. His blond hair blows around his face, but then a sudden gust of wind rips the origami out of his hand, and the crane is lifted into the sky by the rising valley wind.
For a split second, I think he’s going to jump after it, and, I swear, he considers it too. But then he laughs. “June—above the moon,” he shouts so loudly that it can be heard all the way to the Upper Falls. “It’s for you! Do you hear? It’s for you... this... this damn ridiculous paper bird...” And now tears are streaming from his eyes. So many. I carefully reach out my hand, and he comes to me and takes it.
Oh, thank God, he’s holding me tight!
I’ve seen him angry, high, laughing, acting silly like a child, and shaking with despair, but never crying. It breaks my heart—all of this.
“Please... come back with me...”
Silently, he looks at me as if he has no words now.
“I love you, River McFarley,” I say quietly. “Above and under the moon and everywhere else.”
Suddenly, a gleam creeps into his eyes, a gleam that says,Hey, I’m broken, and my soul is in pieces, but let’s conquer the world anyway. What can happen? We can always die tomorrow!
“Oh yes, baby.” He smiles. “We’re River and Tucks, and nothing can stop us.”
“Nothing,” I lie, my heart beating hard and unevenly in my chest. I’m a traitor.
He’s silent as he helps me untangle the knots and sets two figure eights. We don’t run back but instead slip to the other side while sitting down, and when I finally stand up and jump onto the rock, I don’t know what’s going on inside him.
