Completely unexpectedly, I feel a deep pang in my heart from missing her, even though I’m still so angry with her.
“Kans? Will you talk to me?”
Considering my extended silence, it sounds strange, but considering her lengthy silence toward me, it sounds okay.
I nod.
“Say something, please.”
“What should I say?” I ask harshly, feeling strange and out of place.
“I don’t know. Yell at me! Tell me you’ve been telling me all along that Chester has been bothering you... say I’ve wronged you and that I’m a bad sister. Something like that!”
“The only thing I care about right now is River.” I swallow.Make sure he’s alive! Make sure I find him in time!
“You mean Tanner, a.k.a. Asher Blackwell?”
I stare at the tall conifers surrounding the hotel like a border.
“I’m sorry, Kansas. I didn’t mean to be sarcastic.”
“That’s nothing new.”
“So, you are angry! Well, that’s your right. I still can’t believe we’re talking to each other! This is so... unreal, so bizarre.” It’s strange that she uses that word. Maybe she has before, but itnever meant anything until now. She takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t even remember what your voice sounded like. I even watched old videos sometimes... the one with the cherry pit spitting contest, when we were with James...” She’s silent for a few seconds, obviously realizing that she’s about to give a monologue. “Kansas, I... can you please turn and face me?”
I know that looking at her will only make me cry, and I don’t want to. So, I shake my head.
“Is everything James says true? About school, the Hills... and...”
I nod, and the tear hanging in the corner of my eye slowly dribbles down my cheek. I don’t feel like my heart is made for this mixture of deep fear, relief, forgiveness, and love. My aching heart is pounding hard, and if Arizona hugs me now, it will probably stop or break in two.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers behind me. “If I’d only believed you... if I’d just talked to you, maybe you would have told me everything. Then Dad would have taken you out of school and...” Her voice catches from her tears, and I turn to her simply because I feel sorry for her. Because I sense that she means it, and I want to protect her from feeling guilty. Because I love her.
“If Dad had taken me out of school, it might have started somewhere else. I wouldn’t have met River, and he never would have been able to give me back my words or show me what I’m worth.”
And he wouldn’t have saved a girl that summer and wouldn’t want to jump now, I add to myself. But maybe he would have saved another girl.
“Kans... you’ve always been worth so much. You are loving, kind, and generous. What makes you think you’re worthless?”
I look at my twin sister—her innocent baby blue eyes, her pink lips that always seem to shimmer, and her perfect button nose with a handful of freckles. Her blonde hair... she’s cut it,I just noticed. It only reaches her collarbone. “Maybe because Mom left,” I say. “What kind of mother just leaves her children like that? Maybe she didn’t love me enough or thought I was too much of a hassle.” I think of Dad’s words:If only that child wasn’t so painfully shy... Jessica... Meri would still be here. For sure!
“Mom is a stupid bitch,” Arizona whispers, as if we are little again and it’s a secret she only tells me. “I always think I have to stand out. Like only when others admire me will I be worth something.” She smiles forlornly and shrugs. In that moment, I know she’s always felt the same as I do, only she found a different solution to the problem. While I was hiding, she always tried to shine even brighter. Her flashy behavior, her makeup, her sexy clothes—all of that was merely a façade. Behind it was a little girl who simply wanted to be loved and appreciated.
She holds out her hand in my direction. “Do you forgive me, Little A?”
I put my palm on hers, and the warmth she radiates provides me with energy, like before, when she claimed for a month that she had swallowed a battery and warmth was flowing from her hands.
“Of course I forgive you, Big C,” I say quietly now. “What kind of sister would I be otherwise?”
She grabs me as suddenly and decisively as a cat pouncing on a toy. I squeak, she laughs, and then we both cry as I wrap my arms around her. “This last year... I’ve missed you, Kansas, so much. Sometimes, I didn’t know how to breathe.” She pulls away from me, and her eyes light up in a way that tells me she’s plotting something. “What do you say we go right now to find Asher Blackwell?”
I stare at her, suppressing the question about whether she’s only looking for him because he’s the famous singer of Demons ’N Saints. “Dad and James will never let us go before dawn.”
“They don’t have to know.”
“You would...?”
“Even though I think he’s really hot, and you snagged him? Yes!”
