“You slept on the kitchen table for a year. We’re alike.” He tries to smile, but his face trembles. “When I was kicked out of boarding school, I lived on the streets. My father didn’t want me back, and I didn’t want to go back either. He didn’t believe me when I said I hadn’t been partying somewhere that year. At somepoint, I came to New Orleans and met Zozoo. He introduced me to Sam and Jasper, and we started making music. At first, we played in local pubs and bars. Back then, we were still called Freak-it-Out. When we became more successful, I remembered my vow.”
Hence, all the makeup and the disguises?
“It was my condition. So, since I wrote most of the songs, the others agreed. Freak-it-Out vanished, and Demons ’N Saints rose from their ashes. You become someone else when you’re masked—like a warrior with war paint. With makeup, I was no longer the boy who had abandoned his girlfriend. I could be Asher Blackwell. And Asher Blackwell is the star, the demon. He suffers from mood swings, but he is not guilty. Not as long as he’s wearing the makeup.”
His words make me think.So, who is River McFarley?
“I made him up when I wanted to save the second girl in the psychiatric hospital—Suzanne Meyers. Only my friends called me River, and then there was Caden McFarley. He hanged himself the day I was released. A nice guy. Gentle and full of kindness. Unfortunately, though, he was up to his ears in debt. I borrowed his last name. Somehow, it was fitting because I also had a debt to pay.”
He must be completely torn up inside if he needs so many identities. For whatever reason, he is a bit of everything, and maybe he no longer knows who he truly is.
You might not have been able to stop June. She might have done it one day anyway, I write.
As he reads these words, I realize it might even be true. If I had actually wanted to jump at Old Sheriff, River wouldn’t have been able to stop me with aHey, you,or would he?
And if he wants to jump, I can’t stop him either, right? What about the Golden Gate jumper’s words—that everything is repairable? Is he right, or is there such a great darkness in somepeople that it ends up devouring everything? And how long can you fight that darkness? If River had saved June that night, he might have been too late another day.
Maybe in the end, you can only save yourself. Maybe that’s the key.
River gazes into the void in front of him. “I swore I would never love anyone else but June. Then I met you...”
I think about the girls. Did he perhaps tell them the same thing?
River looks at me, and there is a dark abyss in his eyes. “I didn’t want to believe it. June and I seemed to go on forever. Even after she died, it often seemed to me as if she was still there. When I saw something that had made her laugh, I imagined I heard her giggle.” Tears shimmer in his eyes. “Of all the people on this planet, she was the first to accept me for who I am, who loved me for who I am. Crazy and insane.”
I love you too, just the way you are. The whole world loves you! The whole world is crazy about you.
He purses his lips as he reads this. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, Tucks. It happened anyway. I hate it.”
The last sentence hits me like a punch to the stomach.
“Don’t take it the wrong way. It’s not your fault.” Smiling at me again so tenderly that my heart flutters but also wants to break at the same time. It’s cruel how much I love him. It’s so beautiful how much I love him. Maybe he feels the same way, and as he kisses me, I realize that tonight might be our last chance to be together as River and Tucks. Tomorrow, reality will catch up to us and crush everything with its big hands. However, tonight, for one last time, we can be whoever we want to be. Life partners. Death partners. Friends. Lovers.
Without noticing, River pulls me up during the kiss. “My God, Kansas...” he whispers against my lips, and I feel thatsweet, heavy breath, smell his forest-and-leather scent, and feel his dark aura.
Suddenly, I know that I want him. I want him, and I want to forget everything else. What was, what is, and what will be.
“Kans...” River grabs my hair with one hand and pulls me gently but firmly toward him. “I. Love. You.”
He wants to make me say it, too, but I don’t know what happens then. He pulls back and raises an eyebrow.
I bite my lip.
“What do I have to do to make you say it?” he asks roughly. “What can I do?”
“N-nothing.” I shake my head, put my hand on the back of his neck, and pull him toward me. I carefully slide my free hand under his damp shirt and draw letters on his back with my fingertips.
“I want you,” he whispers, surprised by what I wrote. He looks intently into my eyes, and a shiver runs through my body.
“You... are... a... damn genius!” He laughs. “Did you write ‘damn’ or ‘cursed’? Okay... ‘damn.’”
Some of the lightness returns as he laughs.
I love you,I write in big letters on his back.
“Oh, Tucks.” His concerned tone almost breaks my heart. “That doesn’t count.”
It doesn’t matter. I write first, then say it aloud.
