She prayed it wasn’t regret.
‘Just say it, Vasili.’
He put an arm over her, holding her tightly against him. ‘I don’t yet fully understand your reasons for choosing to marry me, Helia, but I can only imagine a marriage like this isn’t something you envisaged for yourself.’
Marriage was something Helia had only thought of as a concept—not as something she would ever truly experience. Not when she was so afraid of being abandoned. Trust didn’t come easily, and it was far safer to be on her own because she knew she could rely on herself. It was a huge part of why her only relationship had failed.
She tried to respond to Vasili, but he silenced her.
‘Let me finish. I want you. Probably more than you can comprehend...’
Helia had an idea, but she wouldn’t tell him how she felt about him and for quite how long she had felt that way.
‘Tonight...what transpired between us...it’s only the tip of the iceberg. And I was honest with you. I do want you to touch me. I do want you to give me pleasure in the way I have given it to you. But I need to be sure you understand and have fully considered our terms. I can’t love you, Helia. I’m not capable of that. We won’t ever be husband and wife in the traditional sense. And I am sorry about that, but it’s just the way it is.’
All Helia had done since their talk was consider his terms, but her heart still broke at hearing the words. She’d always known she wouldn’t be enough for him. Being just an ordinary woman from Seidon. They were worlds apart, and his words struck right at those insecurities. But she was also hurt at him saying he wasn’t capable of love, because the very fact that he was grieving for Leander meant that he was.
Maybe his problem wasn’t that he wasn’t capable of love but rather that he loved too much—not that it would mean much for her. He had just admitted that he couldn’t ever love her.
‘I have already agreed, Vasili.’ She hoped her voice would not betray the hurt she was trying to hide from him. ‘I remember we are united in our duty as King and Queen to the world’s eyes, and that in our home we explore this attraction between us. But no sex. No love. No children.’
She waved between their bodies.
‘This is the only way I can give myself to you, Helia,’ he said. ‘And if you have any apprehension at all, then I think it’s best if we don’t cross that boundary.’
‘I thought you weren’t interested in me? You said you shouldn’t have kissed me.’
‘Nothing could be further from the truth. I have made my attraction to you plain. I meant that I shouldn’t have kissed you like I did at the wedding, but I had wanted to since you walked into my office.’
Helia hadn’t realised that she could feel two such conflicting emotions at the same time. It hurt to know that no matter how long they would spend together she would never have his love, but she did want to be with him. And to find out that he was so attracted to her had made the unbroken parts of her heart soar.
However, a lifetime was a very long passage. To travel the entirety of it without love would be difficult. Would their chemistry last? Was it a good enough substitute? Could a physical relationship ever be enough?
If she didn’t accept these terms then she would have no relationship with him at all. Perhaps a cordial friendship, with time. And that seemed like a path filled with misery. Not to mention the fact that her goals depended on her remaining as Queen. So she really only had one choice. Because she did want to be with him, and having some of him was a much better prospect than having none of him.
‘I can do this.’
She placed her hand on his cheek and he leaned into her palm. Right then, despite the fractures forming through her, she knew she made the correct choice.
‘I want this.’
He kissed her palm and then her lips in a slow, lingering caress. ‘That makes me happy.’
She ran her fingers through his soft hair, saw his golden-brown eyes alight with heat. ‘Me too.’
But she was feeling nowhere near as euphoric as she’d thought she would.
‘I’m going to show you so much pleasure,’ he whispered in her ear.
And she let the intoxication of his embrace carry her away from the heaviness in her heart.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
VASILIOPENEDHISEYES.It took him a few moments to remember he was back in the palace, sleeping in the King’s bed. Gone were all his books and his tranquil walls. Instead, his senses were assaulted by a gaudy room and an ornate four-poster bed.
Also behind him was his honeymoon.
The remaining days had passed far too quickly, with Vasili exploring Helia’s body for as long and as frequently as he’d been able to. He had taken great pride in making her scream out his name or having her forget what she was saying with a single look from him.
