‘More than you’re doing, obviously.’
‘Finn …’ Lindy could barely speak. This was bad. So bad. She felt hollow; the image of her son in his room at night carefully typing out these words to vicious strangers rose before her like a nightmare. Did he cry reading the comments?How could I have done this?‘Jesus, everything is turning to shit. An hour ago I was all buzzing about some stupid write-up online. How fucking selfish am I?’
‘I’m sorry, Linds, I know the timing couldn’t be worse …’
‘That doesn’t matter.’ A flashback to Rachel and Adam still caused a lurch of humiliation inside her, but Max was the only thing that mattered now.
‘I’m going to fix this, Finn.’
How will I fix this?
There really only seemed to be one way, but it felt so extreme …
It would change everything.
After Finn left, Lindy killed the next few hours in her office cleaning up and going back and forth on her next move. They were supposed to be leaving first thing in the morning. Was it right to still go?
She tried to send a voicy to the Snag List WhatsApp, but getting the words out was impossible. After a few minutes grappling with typing a text, she scrapped the effort and instead sent one of the unlisted video links. She didn’t need to explain further; the level of vitriol they came back with said it all. They insisted they wouldn’t go without her. And Lindy was grateful. Being with Roe and Eddie and Ailbhe would be a distraction – way preferable to spending the long weekend in a house with Adam. She needed to spend as little time as possible alone with him right now – she just couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t scream into his face the moment she saw him. She had texted him to say she was working late and then slipped into the house after dark, relieved that he was asleep. By then the initial shock and pain had receded. For the moment, at least. A productive rage had taken their place. Lindy drank a glass of Malbec in the kitchen while googling ‘divorce’ – she sent a selfie to the Snag List captioned: Most Monteray Valley Activity of All Time?!
She would do nothing and say nothing. She would get legal advice. This wasn’t about her marriage right now. She couldn’t confront Adam about the videos: he might get defensive or angry. This was about Max and getting him out of Maxxed Out. If she didn’t manage things right, it could be nuclear and she couldn’t do that to Max. She needed time to try and claw together the ability to be rational for his sake.
She went upstairs and brushed her teeth in the en suite. Her eyes burned, and applying her night serum felt like preparing for battle. Adam was asleep but he shifted and muttered groggily when she slipped under the covers beside him.
He turned to hold her from behind and fell back asleep. She lay in his arms rigid with fury. At him, at the horrible people on the internet, but mostly at herself.
22
IT WAS NEARLY 4 P.M. THE NEXT DAY BY THE TIME Ailbhe, Tilly, Roe and Eddie, who was driving them, arrived at the first sign for Monteray Vacay and took a right, bringing them to a road running parallel to the ocean. Ahead was the Monteray Vacay private beach full of Saturday crowds enjoying the late afternoon sun. Loungers and wooden pergolas were arranged at intervals, each, Ailbhe knew, with a discrete number corresponding to a summer house – no morning dash for a spot on this beach.
Ailbhe pulled up the map on the MV app. ‘Another ten minutes,’ she announced. The relief. She was edgy with Tilly snoozing in the car seat beside her. She’d never brought her on any long journeys, and it felt like she was playing Nap Titty Tetris – when to feed her so she’d nap in the car but not nap so late that she wouldn’t go down that night but not so early that … and on and on and on. It was a baffling game with no prize other than things just not going to shit.A metaphor for parenthood as a whole!
‘I’d love to be getting straight into the hot tub when we get there.’ Eddie sighed. ‘Pity Adam and I said we’d get nine holes in before dinner. Roe, you have to admit that this is gorgeous.’
‘I wasn’t saying it wouldn’t be nice – I just said it’d be moreTruman Showweirdness. Ailbhe, you agree, right? It’s a middle-class Jonestown-on-Sea is all I’m saying.’
‘With Tom an original investor, I won’t be agreeing with anything. That’d be high treason and I don’t need any more reasons for him to be mad at me.’ She glanced guiltily at her phone, where yet another five missed calls from a California number had racked up. Just two more days and then she’d be able to surprise him with her progress. Twenty days of no drinking or any other bullshit – except the unfortunate brush with magic mushrooms, which wasn’t technically drinking and wasn’t technically her fault. She’d had a white chocolate Magnum every night while watchingCall the Midwifewith her mam. And if that was what it’d take to keep her from the wine then that was fine. Especially as the alternative – lose Tom and ruin Tilly’s chance at having a dad – was so verynotfine. It was a small price to pay to keep everything from falling apart. She had also, it seemed, finally gotten the message through to Seb that nothing more would happen between them; she hadn’t had any more flirty DMs on Insta and he had said nothing more to Roe about getting her number.
Lindy, Adam and Max had been at the beach house since the morning. Adam and Max were filming for YouTube and, judging by the updates in the Snag List WhatsApp group, Lindy was just about keeping herself in check. With pharmaceutical help.
LINDY: The Valium I took at breakfast is about the same age as Max but I think if anything that’s made it even stronger.
ROE: Fermentation?
AILBHE: Just don’t drink on top of it … until we get there. I’d hate to miss whatever shitemare would ensue.
ROE: Ailbhe! No mocking Lindy right now, it’s too soon.
LINDY: No, it’s not. Please make jokes. It’s fitting, my whole life’s a joke.
Fuck! What can we even say to that?Ailbhe thought, peering at Roe in the front seat. Roe glanced back at her and made a helpless face. By silent mutual agreement they hadn’t said a word in front of Eddie – just lots of wide-eyed meaningful looks passing between them as Eddie had steered them down the motorway, keeping up a cheery commentary all the way. Before they’d got in the car, Roe had filled Ailbhe in on the horrible cyber wank Lindy had walked in on earlier in the summer. Poor Lindy. Ailbhe looked back down at the phone and started to type: L-i-n-d-y. The text at the top of the screen was flickering …
Roe … typing
Ailbhe … typing
… as they each tried to scrounge together something to say.
LINDY: Whatever placating responses ye’re coming up with, please don’t bother. I just want to rage and wallow. Do you know what I keep thinking? A sex tape is just so passé. At least when they were doing it in a VR helmet it was imaginative. More current, yanno? Zeitgeisty. Anyway, feck the Tommy Lee–Pam naffness, the main thing is talking to Max. When Adam and Eddie go golfing I’ll have time. Ugh, I’ve to go. They need me to wear the chest cam. Just GET HERE.
