‘Relax, I’m just popping it in SopranHoes.’ He blew a kiss.
DANNY: Our lil Roe is ready for her close-up #ProudStageMom
Her picture appeared in the WhatsApp group and Roe smiled in spite of herself. It was sweet that they cared so much. Over in the Snag List group, Ailbhe, even after the high-octane twenty-four hours she’d just had, was sending good vibes. Tom had not looked pleased as he’d escorted Ailbhe and Tilly from the party the previous day.
It’s actually hard to decide whose marriage is the bigger trainwreck right now.She flashed on telling Eddie that morning that she was working a double at the restaurant instead of the truth: that she was doing her first-ever audition. She just hadn’t wanted to get into it with him and psych herself out before this, especially as she might not even get a role. Apart from the whole contraception thing, she had never lied to him. It did not feel good.
Just then, Lindy peered round the door to the toilets. ‘Roe! You look fab – I love this.’ Lindy gestured to the tweaks Danny’d made to Roe’s outfit. ‘Hi!’ She waved to Danny and Mags. ‘I’m Lindy, Roe’s Snag List life coach.’
‘And what in the shit is that?’ Danny arched one brow contemptuously.
‘Bold Danny.’ Mags batted at him in admonishment. ‘Don’t mind him, he just wants to be Roe’s only hype man. I’m Mags.’
Roe gathered her make-up bits and they all headed out to the large community hall reception area, still echoing with singers practising and members of theGlee Mecrew rushing to and fro. The tension was building with every second. The soprano contingent were positively shrieking by this point, while the Altos formed an ominous drone underscoring Roe’s mounting dread.
‘Seriously, Lindy,’ Mags continued, ‘I love the idea of The Snag List. Roe’s told me everything and, honestly, anything that’s getting this one up on stage gets my vote. She is so good. I dunno what I’d snag list from my own life,’ she pondered, ‘probably … and now, I don’t know how you’d manage this one … but my last baby wasn’t exactly planned and I’d probably not have had him if I could’ve.’
Lindy laughed awkwardly as Danny cut in. ‘She’s not Dumbledore, Mags.’
‘I know.’ Mags sighed. ‘He’s just one of those no-craic babies.’ She shook her head sadly.
‘I’d probably suggest you spend my retainer on getting more childcare,’ Lindy offered.
‘Not a bad idea.’ Mags nodded.
‘I’m just going to go check my time slot.’ Roe slid away from her friends. She tugged on her shirt, feeling exposed in more ways than just a sliver of belly on show. She couldn’t believe she was actually about to get up on stage in front of everyone. Though, as nervous as she was, she also thrummed with anticipation. She might actually get a part, a prospect as thrilling as it was frightening.
She made her way to the call sheet taped up outside the door to the theatre and double-checked that she still had twenty minutes before she would be standing before Róisín and the film crew. A cheeky vape would steady her. Or make her feel even sicker – it was hard to decide – but Roe knew she didn’t want to go back and make conversation with the others. She was finding it impossible to focus on what was being said. The anxiety was manifesting as a pounding roar in her ears, and she had a sudden, desperate urge to flee. She’d slept badly after she and Eddie had sex last night. Her pill had run out, which meant she’d had to dust off the diaphragm – not nearly as effective. The morning had been punctuated with spikes of anxiety. Continuing to take the pill without Eddie’s knowledge had felt like way less of a betrayal than hiding in the bathroom to insert the diaphragm and hiding the case in the toilet cistern – probably overkill but she had to be careful. Then after they’d finished she’d had to slip back to the bathroom after she was sure Eddie was asleep to do the whole rigamarole in reverse.
She hated the deception, she wasn’t built for lying, but she also knew that the alternative – to have rolled the dice and allowed for the possibility of becoming pregnant – was unthinkable.
In an odd way, sabotaging the ‘trying to get pregnant’ was cementing her decision to go through with The Snag List. She had paid a disproportionately high price to stand on the stage today. She owed it to that insane decision to give it her all. Eddie would never need to know what she had done.
She pulled on the vape and gazed across the car park, where she could see Denise improbably engaged in some boxing. Random, Roe thought. This must be part of the prep routine. She was sparring with a cowering tenor holding up her pads while theGlee Mecrew captured every bizarre moment. Denise was smart; she was obviously thinking in terms of useful montages for the crew.
Denise was zealous about choir but at least she stepped up and went for it. She owned her crazed ambitions. Roe’s problem was that she never allowed herself to fully acknowledge the things she wanted in life. She was too afraid of failure and rejection.In my defence, maybe Denise would be afraid of failure too if she’d been more or less ditched by her parents for failing to live up to their expectations.
‘Here you are!’ Roe jumped at Lindy’s appearance around the side of the building. ‘You’re not planning a runner, are you? Because I guaran-goddam-tee that you would regret that.’ Lindy folded her arms.
‘I’m not running – I’m doing the opposite of running.’ Roe exhaled a plume of smoke and smiled. ‘I’m doing my own less-cinematic psyching up.’ She nodded over at Denise.
‘Hmm, yer one has definitely cornered the market on dramatic cutaways for the TV crew, but you’re going to be defying gravity!’
‘Sure am.’ Roe pressed her lips together.
‘Roe, you OK? You look extremely un-psyched.’
‘No, I’m good, I am.’
‘LOL, no you’re not. You’re not good, you arebrilliant, Roe,’ she added. ‘You have the ability to absolutely nail this audition. All that’s ever held you back is you. You’ve been a bitch to yourself, Roe, but you deserve this moment. You deserve to get up there and stand centre stage and show them this huge talent you have. These people are going to be blown away. Blown. Away. Do you believe me?’
‘Well, I … I want to.’ Roe shuffled uncomfortably. ‘To be honest, your big emotional speech is giving me more performance anxiety than the thoughts of the audition.’
Lindy burst out laughing. ‘OK, OK, I’m sorry. What do you want me to say? I have to justify my presence here. I need to provide a service otherwise The Snag List is just a fancy website.’
‘The website is looking really good,’ Roe offered encouragingly. ‘Just tell me this isn’t some notion. Like, I know it’s not Broadway but this is worth doing, isn’t it?’
‘Oh my God, yes, Roe. Yes! It makes you happy, right? It gives you a buzz?’
