‘Mad to think,’ Roe interrupted Lindy’s ruminations, ‘allthesepeople,’ she indicated the children swarming around them, ‘came out ofthosepeople. How do people just do that? Like it’s no big deal?’
‘You know, being uncertain about having kids is normal, Roe.’ Lindy felt protective towards her. ‘It’d be weird if you weren’t giving it a lot of thought. To be honest, for me, having a baby seemed to open the floodgates of doing things out of a sense of obligation. Decision after decision just fell into place once that piss stick said I was pregnant. Getting married, getting a mortgage, putting my own things further down the list, getting out of the city. You need to do the stuff you want to do before a baby. Or else it’ll sour everything with Eddie.’
Roe bit her lip as stray children bounded around her and two little girls openly marvelled at her halo of curls. ‘I don’t know what stuff I want to do. I never have. I’ve just never had real guts,’ she finally admitted. ‘Like, you and Ailbhe are just doers. You’re a CEO! Ailbhe has her own business too and look at her out there, living it up. She’s blitzed to the tits at a kid’s party and she doesn’t give a shite. I’m not that kind of person – I never have been.’
‘What if I helped you?’ Lindy could feel the thoughts in her head aligning in that exciting and hard-to-describe way that always preceded one of her ideas. ‘I could … maybe coach you? I studied psychology, or mostly did anyway. What’s on your life snag list? The thing you regret leaving unfinished?’
‘Remember I told ye at Ailbhe’s I wish I had tried out for the musicals in school. I wasn’t joking. Is it so dumb that that is my biggest regret? I think that really is it. My one that got away is the St Christopher’s 2007 production ofChicago. I have never had the balls to put myself out there. I never even auditioned. I couldn’t bear for people to know I wanted to do it and then see me fail when I didn’t get it.’
‘Well,’ Lindy readjusted the remarkably compliant Tilly, ‘that is hardly the most out-there ambition. I’m right in thinking you just want the experience of doing it, right? Getting out there. You’re not expecting to become the next Idina Menzel?’
‘No, don’t worry, I’m not!’ Roe laughed awkwardly and, looking down at her lap, added, ‘I know it’s not realistic to start a stage career at thirty-one.Twenty-one is old in musical-theatre years.’
‘Well, never say never. We’ll see.’ Lindy’s cogs were turning. This is what people of their generation needed: to feel like there was still a chance to change their lives. They were the children of boomer parents who’d raised them to believe they could be whatever they wanted, until a recession and a pandemic had ambushed them. That’s where Lindy could come in.
Shewasa doer, as Roe said, when she wasn’t wallowing. She could make things happen. She could do what she was doing here: consult with clients and help them to make a snag list of their lives. Then, when they’d focused on the one thing that had got away that they wanted to do, she would tailor an experience that ticked that box. ‘I wonder if we could find a show you could audition for.’
‘Well, my choir is actually getting ready to put on a show,’ Roe said tentatively. ‘But I’ve never gone out for a part before. Well, one year I put my name down but when they called my name I legged it … Auditions are literally tomorrow, and I guess with Eddie going on about the baby, it’s been on my mind … It feels a bit now or never.’
‘Roe! You have to do it. Itisnow or never. OK, tomorrow is a quick turnaround but maybe it’s better – no time to psych yourself out.’ Lindy pulled out her phone to consult her calendar. ‘I will keep you from backing out and coach you every step of the way – I am a demi-psychologist! I half trained. We have to do this, Roe! We both need to step up and go for our snags. I am going to buy TheSnagList.com domain right now. Sure, everyone’s a life coach these days. Or they have one. And I can bring you to the audition – any excuse to avoid my loveless marriage!’
‘Lindy!’ Roe snapped to attention. ‘You are joking, right?’
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Lindy feigned interest in the magician who was trying to slide a sword down his throat while children stumbled into him. ‘Kind of.’
‘Lindy? What? Are you OK? Is it really loveless?’ Roe sounded nervous and Lindy guessed this probably seemed like advanced marriaging to her, far beyond anything she and Eddie would have experienced.
‘It’s not loveless. It’s not. But I don’t know what to do.’ She took a breath and leaned closer to Roe. ‘I caught Adam having some kind of socially distant, non-contact affair-type thing with Rachel Fitzsimon.’
‘No.’ Roe exhaled. ‘No,’ slipped out a second time. ‘What did he say?’ she hastily added.
‘Nothing,’ Lindy said brusquely, clearly struggling to remain composed. ‘He doesn’t know I know.’
‘Really? Shit, Lindy. What exactly happened? How did you find out?’
‘I actually don’t think I can even say it.’ Lindy looked pained as she shook her head, attempting a weak smile. ‘It wouldn’t be fair to you – it’s quite graphic!’
‘Lindy!’ Roe laughed. ‘C’mon, I can take it. I’ve seenThe Human Centipede.’
Lindy actually managed a laugh at this, then steeled herself to say it out loud. ‘He was wanking over a video call. With Rachel. Or rather with her tits. Her face was in more of a supporting role.’ Lindy sighed unhappily. ‘He was wearing his VR helmet for the full, immersive, 360-degree effect.’
‘God.’ Roe appeared to be flailing for something, anything, to say. ‘The helmet is quite an addition. Seems a bit like driving blind – it must be a mess when he … you know—’
‘OK, Roe!’
Roe snapped her mouth shut.
Lindy’s anger was just a brief flash before the abject misery returned. ‘I’m sorry to snap. I know I brought it up. It’s just so weird to be saying it aloud. I knew we were distant. I think I was just blaming it on us working together and becoming more like colleagues than a couple. How did he even get Rachel’s number? Never mind get her to agree to some virtual porno? When was all that happening? Who has the time for these things even?’
Roe scooted closer on the playroom floor and put her arms around Lindy, being gentle not to squeeze Tilly. ‘I am so sorry, Lindy.’
‘No,I’mso sorry.’ Lindy struggled to remain composed. ‘We were talking about you! I’m so, so sorry – I’ve just been trying to go along as normal. It’s been torture in the house acting like nothing’s changed.’
‘Please don’t apologise,’ Roe insisted. ‘You need to talk this out. You need to tell Adam. And decide what you want to do.’
Lindy straightened up, swiped at her eyes and smoothed her shirt. ‘You know what I want to do? I want to make The Snag List work. So that I don’t fucking need Adam. I’ve never done anything of my own. I want to prove it to myself that I can.’
‘Lindy, you don’t have anything to prove. Maybe you need to focus on what’s just happened. This has to be a major shock. You don’t have to do anything for my sake. Maybe this is just not great timing?’
