Satisfied, she hit Post and consulted the calendar app. It was nearly time to hit the road. She just needed to get to the pharmacy and stock up on some pregnancy staples before heading to the retreat. She presumed they’d all have their own private rooms but, just in case, she wanted to look the part. She’d done some research and knew Gaviscon to be an absolute must-have for preggers bitches. She was also going to grab some organic black-bean brownies she’d tried ages ago that had given her mega bloat. Could come in handy for the spa when she’d be in her swimsuit. She was fairly certain she didn’t have to be showing yet at thirteen weeks but a little hint couldn’t hurt. She’d already bought nursing bras and some maternity workout wear to help her get in the right headspace for the part.
She gave the phone a final check and then started the car. The new post was already racking up likes and comments. She smiled, pulling out of the business park. She’d save them for later, something to look forward to after checking in with Mini and getting an update on Miles this evening. Glancing down at the phone in the holder, she could see a fair few ‘oh my god’s and ‘amazing’s rolling in. ‘Amazing’ had pretty much been sapped of all meaning since the advent of Instagram. Still, it felt pretty amazing to Ali as she headed towards the motorway in the early-afternoon sun. She just needed to stay focused on the good stuff.
24
‘Now, mamas, I don’t want you getting yourselves all worked up over these letters. Keep them simple. You just want to convey to your baby how much you love them. How you can’t wait to meet them. What your vision is for your relationship with them. How you see their place in this world. What you hope they will achieve with their lives – not financially speaking, of course, but on a more profound, spiritual level. Think of what your intentional parenting will look like …’ Adrienne was pacing the forest floor barefoot, gesturing elaborately as she held forth. It was really verging more on an interpretive dance, thought Shelly.
She shifted about, trying to get comfortable. Sitting cross-legged was a special kind of hell, she reckoned. How does Hazel do it? She’s forever storying in the lotus pose on sisal rugs that look itchier than a hairshirt. Of course, sisal would be better than the bloody ground. What is this, some kind of hazing? Though tolerating pain and low-grade annoyance would probably be the perfect parenting hazing, thought Shelly, not that any of these women knew that. They seemed to think parenting was going to be all love, light and Liga. Shelly swapped position, tucking her feet underneath her and practically groaning with relief. This attracted a slightly ratty look from Adrienne, which Shelly responded to with a wide smile.
Adrienne continued her spiel about the ‘simple missive’ they were supposed to be writing as she stalked around the forest clearing among her disciples – fifteen women of various stages of pregnancy all decked out in silk scarves wrapped like bandeau tops around their breasts and floaty patterned harem pants – it was a uniform at the retreat.
‘We wear simple garments so we can connect with our mama-earth inner selves’ was the explanation during the opening ceremony. It really underscored the cult vibe, Shelly thought.
The other women on the course were, for the most part, fabulously wealthy first-time mums. They had no idea what they were in for. Shelly pitied their ignorance and wished she wasn’t so painfully aware of the inevitable fallout coming her way after the sweet-smelling bomb was lobbed into her already tricky set of circumstances.
She was starting to get an idea of the single-parent life in the past few weeks. With Dan practically parenting remotely and Marni’s hours cut back – thanks to the money complications – Shelly had been doing the mum thing more. One upside of spending more time with Georgie was that she’d started to feel less guilty about her.
She was beginning to feel closer to Georgie and the constant self-berating had quieted somewhat. She even found that without Dan around she felt more relaxed. She wasn’t second-guessing her every parenting decision in anticipation of his criticism. And when leaving the little girl with her mum and dad so she could come on the retreat, she’d felt torn about going just when they were getting on so well.
Sandra had laughed gently when Shelly made noises about not wanting to go. ‘There’s plenty of time with Georgie ahead. It’s probably no bad idea to take some time to get to know this one,’ she indicated Shelly’s tummy, ‘and find the new you in all this, Shel.’
The new you! Sandra had obviously been bingeing the Oprah podcast but she was right, particularly about having some time to think about the new baby. Even if this hippy stuff was all a bit Enya, it was good to get some time alone to sort her head out.
Her parents had been incredible since she’d finally told them about the marriage meltdown: dropping by to watch theLate Lateon a Friday night – Shelly didn’t quite know how to tell them this wasn’t exactly her idea of entertainment – and bringing Georgie to the park when Shelly needed time to work or simply lie down and absorb the crazy shift that had taken place in her life. She was down a husband, an assistant and maybe ten or so thousand followers (the SHELLY account had suffered in Amy’s absence) and she wasn’t altogether sure if she truly minded this or not.
With a following of her scale, probably only the most eagle-eyed would have noticed the drop in numbers – Hazel, no doubt, was preparing some sort of Machiavellian ambush – but even so, Shelly found she didn’t have the will to care about SHELLY with so much else at stake. Never mind the fact that the jarring disconnect between the life she was living and the life she was posting about had become too great to ignore.
There had been that weird DM the week before, but there’d been no more since. Shelly hoped Kelly’s Klobber (she was pretty sure that’s who was behind it) was just trying to rattle her. She had enough acrimony emanating from Dan’s Seomra at the end of the garden at home. With all these issues pulling at her, now the relentless spirituality and good-vibes-only mandate at Mothers of the Earth was really starting to grate. Every time one of the other pregos earnestly professed her love for her unborn child or expressed horror at the thought of ever subjecting said child to such corporal abuses as a fish finger, Shelly felt close to mutiny. They’re very easy to love ‘in theory’, she wanted to scream.
As the pine needles dug into her shins, Shelly found herself glaring at Adrienne as she passed by once more. Is she trying to raise our pain threshold before the birth? She huffed silently, switching back to cross-legged to give her muscles a break. How were the more pregnant ones managing? Shelly stole a glance at the woman on her right who hadn’t been happy about her Lululemons being confiscated on day one but calmed when she learned that the harem pants were Stella. She was happily lotusing despite her big round belly, upon which she’d rested the first few sheets of the letter they were all supposed to be working on. She waved Adrienne over, looking a little hyper. Adrienne wafted back towards her, hands clasped behind her back and eyebrows raised.
‘Sylvia? Everything OK?’
‘Oh yes, totally. It’s just I’m a bit worried that I’m being too detailed in the letter. How much is too much?’
‘Well,’ Adrienne settled herself into a languorous pigeon pose on the ground among the leaves and drew her hands together in prayer, ‘it’s only natural that you have much to say to your baby. But it is imperative that you don’t overburden the baby with your thoughts or she’ll be overwhelmed.’
Shelly wasn’t sure she’d be able to listen to this without laughing. She pressed her lips together and took in the rest of the circle. Most of the women were hanging on Adrienne’s every batshit word – except Ali Jones, who appeared to be shaking with a fit of giggles. Someone sane at least, Shelly thought.
They’d met at Killarney train station en route and wound up sharing a taxi. Amy had tagged along to give Shelly a pep talk on the Kelly’s Klobber sitch, and when Ali appeared, Amy seemed all for them travelling together. Shelly suspected that Amy thought it’d be strategic for Shelly to be Ali’s friend – such was her current reversal of fortunes.
Amy had been giving Shelly a wide berth in the past few weeks to let her get her bearings with driving the SHELLY juggernaut once more. Once they’d been shown to their separate cabins, all overlooking a small lake at the edge of a wooded area, Shelly filled her in on Kelly’s Klobber.
‘Well, she sent a DM from another account. She hasn’t actually said a whole lot yet and there’s been no mention of money – thank god. Imagine if I had to ask Dan for money to pay off a blackmailing blogger?’
Amy didn’t smile. ‘I hope you’re taking this seriously, Shelly. You never know who’s really behind a social media handle. You don’t want to antagonise her.’
They’d caught up on bits of gossip – Hazel was bringing out a new line of lotions called Holistic Glow that claimed to empower women to ‘glow instead of conform to impossible tanning standards’. ‘It’s absolutely still a tanning product.’ Amy had rolled her eyes. Soon after, she’d headed back to the station.
Shelly tuned back in to Adrienne just as she began whispering some kind of incantation directly into Sylvia’s crotch. She surfaced and assumed another pretzel-like pose and began to pontificate once more.
‘The vaginal canal is our pathway of communication. You must commune with your baby, mamas.’ Adrienne demonstrated by parting her legs and swooping forward until she was nose to nose with her own undercarriage. ‘Whisper your love, your plans, your truth, your aims for sleep schedules. Commune with your baby.’
Schedules! Shelly suppressed a laugh. As if any baby in the history of babies ever gave a crap about a schedule.
‘Eh … Not sure I’m able to get down there with this in the way.’ A nervy-looking dark-haired woman held up an arm tentatively across the clearing, indicating her bulbous belly.
Ali Jones snorted, threatening to set Shelly off as well. Just don’t catch her eye, Shelly warned herself.
