He closed his eyes - just for a minute - to savor how good it felt to have her in his arms like this, so warmly welcoming and content to be there.
Chapter 18
Reality came crashing in with the pressing need to pee, a throbbing head, and a warm arm around her body.
The sensation of heaviness on her body wasn’t just from the arm though. A familiar vibrating purr through her chest said Watson was lying on her chest.
Opening her eyes, she had to blink several times as her vision blurred through watery eyes. Her head throbbed. It was way too bright in her room. Sensing she was awake, Watson sat up, pushing his upper body away from her and began washing his face. Turning her head away from him, Ellie saw exactly what she expected to see - exactly what she didn’twantto see. Michael’s sleeping face, here in her bed, in her space…
Despite her head aching, she could still tell from the lack of other aches and pains - not to mention all the clothes on her body - that they hadn’t had sex. He’d justsleptbeside her. The way a real boyfriend might do.
What did it mean?
What would he expect it to mean?
What would he expect to change from now on?
Panic welled up, bubbling as something must have woken him up and he stretched and then opened his eyes, his sleep-muddled hazel gaze meeting hers. Ellie just stared at him. She didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to act… Part of her liked that he was here, another part of her wanted to scream at him and ask what the hell he was doing here. The lastpart of her just wanted to close her eyes and pretend to be asleep so he would leave and she wouldn’t have to deal with him at all. The last would have been her preferred option, but it was way too late to dissemble now.
“Whoops,” he smiled sheepishly, propping himself up on one hand as he raked his fingers through his messy hair. “I must have fallen asleep, I didn’t mean to.”
Hurt pinged at the feeling of rejection, which didn’t make sense since she wasn’t even sure she wanted him there - in fact, given the choice between waking up to finding him there and waking up to just her and Watson in bed, she would definitely choose just her and Watson - but reason didn’t stop the emotion. Just like reason didn’t stop her sudden rush of anger that he had fallen asleep in her bed, invading her space, even if it had been an accident.
“You shouldn’t have,” she said shortly, her voice clipped, as she grabbed Watson so she could flip the covers up and quickly get out of the bed, holding her protesting cat who was annoyed at the interruption to his morning wash. “You should have left.”
The look of sleepy warmth on Michael’s face slid away to a more serious expression, tinged with hurt, which just put Ellie’s back up even more. Obviously he’d expected her to be okay with him sleeping over, but that just wasn’t the kind of relationship they had. They didn’t have a real relationship, not outside of the club. Yeah, they’d been spending time together, but nothing beyond that. A few kisses, kisses which didn’t even involve tongue, didn’t mean she was okay with graduating to sleepovers. Especially sleepovers which were just about sleeping.
While some small part of her acknowledged she should be okay with a regular sleepover, that it was weird she would have felt better if they’d had sex last night and he’d then fallen asleep afterwards, another part of her felt like her abnormal reaction was just another indication of everything damaged about her. Her expectations, her reactions, they weren’t normal. She wasn’t normal.
Why did she ever think she could do this? Just because shewantedit?
Since when had she ever gotten what she wanted without it turning into a nightmare?
She’d wanted a boyfriend, and she’d fallen for Lawrence of all people, until his true colors had been revealed.
She’d wanted her mom and best friend to believe her, to support her, but all they’d done was question her and then tell her it was better to stay silent. She might have come to that conclusion on her own in the end, but she’d still wanted to feel like they would have supported her if she hadn’t.
She’d wanted a boyfriend in college, but she’d managed to drive away the one guy willing to try and work through her issues with her.
The only time she’d ever gotten what she’d wanted was when she’d gone to Stronghold and scened with dominants who were willing to give her what she needed, and then she could leave. And now she was fucking that up too, because she’d had to go and wantmorethan that. Because she’d decided getting her needs met wasn’t enough, she’d wanted to try and be normal, to try and work towards having a normal relationship, even though she was anything but.
It wasn’t just the rape to blame. It was her. Other women were stronger, other women moved on and managed to get a boyfriend, have regular sex, be normal… but not her. She’d never managed any of what she’d wanted, she’d hidden away from even trying, and now it was too late. She’d been too messed up for too long, because she’d been a coward, and now she was broken, and Michael was staring at her like he could see all the ways she was damaged, all the ways she was abnormal, and his gaze on her felt like walls closing in around her, trapping her, so she couldn’t escape from the truth… the truth was she should have never put her hand in his again, she should have never tried to lean on him again, because she was never going to be worthy of his attention.
“Ellie,” he started to say, his voice gentle, his hand reaching for her, from across the bed, but the piece of furniture stood between them as if the divide which had always been there had somehow physically manifested.
“I want you to get out,” she said, her voice harsh even to her ears. She hugged Watson, who had stopped mewing and was kneading her shoulder where his paws rested, as if trying to comfort her. “You should have never stayed last night, I told you… I told you I didn’t wantthis, I wasn’t ready for anything more than a club relationship… I…”
Her voice trailed off as his hand dropped and he stared at her with solemn eyes.
“I know, Ellie,” he said, and the gentleness in his voice made her want to scream at him. He was still looking at her, still trying to be patient with her, but stillwantingthings from her, and she felt just like she had in college when she’d tried to have a normal relationship before she’d realized she couldn’t, because people in a normal relationships had sex and sleepovers and intimacy. “Sleeping here was an accident and I’m sorry, I just meant to stay until you fell asleep and I must have been more tired than I thought. I didn’t mean to push myself on you-”
“Why are you talking to me like that?” she snapped at him, glaring. “I’m not… I don’t need soothing, I just need you to leave.”
“I just want to make sure we’re okay before I go,” he said, his eyes looking even more wounded, which made her chest ache even as it made her want to throw something at him.
Stop looking at me like that!
“We’re fine, now get out!” Her voice shook and the look he gave her was more firm.
