The room is so quiet I imagine we could hear a pin drop as far away as North Platte. For the first time there is a side to my father I’ve never really recognized before. He’s kind of… extra, when he does talk. My heart goes to him in a way that heals I little wound I hadn’t known was still there.Rescue. I must rescue him.
I became more animated and more awkward than he could ever hope to be.
“That is awesome Dad!”God, I’m giving a whole vibe. It’s sort of a Howard Dean circa 2004 Iowa caucus shout, but whatever, I can see his awkwardness and level it up anytime.
“Who’s going to take him up on that?” I look at everyone like they’re crazy for not all talking at once. And then, miracle of miracles, they all do.
My father looks happy as everyone jumps in making grandpa babysitting requests. My mother arched an eyebrow at me, and I decided at this moment, I couldn’t give less of a shit. I suddenly feel the need to get space, and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I cut through the bathroom to my room and grab my journal.
Opening to a fresh page, I write:
I am my father’s daughter. He has been me, and I have been him. He didn’t know how to help me other than to try to teach me to be quieter.
How does he live with my mom? I might even give him a hug tonight. But even if I don’t…I know Isawhim, and heseesme.
It’s a brave new world…
When I returned to the dining room, people were already helping clear the table and my brother Joseph, of all people, had put a hand on my shoulder and asked me to sit down.
“You and Nona did all the work to prep—Eli and I will help the servers clean up. Sit down Lil.”
Joseph’s husband Eli smiles at me, “May I bring the chef a tea?”
“Would love one, thank you Eli.”
Roselyn had abandoned the seat next to me as she went to check on Emunah.
Aunt Susan and her daughter Jenny were sitting at the far end of the table, near Daniella and her husband, Justin, so I hardly spoke to them during dinner. Jenny is about my age but has ‘that thing’ so many women who arenot mehave. She manages to simultaneously look more adult and younger than me. She’s an accountant with her father’s firm and is very successful, which I know from years of ‘why can’t you be more like Jenny’ speeches. Half Korean, Jenny Park has shiny, long black hair that is perfectly styled. She’s wearing a tailored grey suit with a blush pink silk blouse and a pair of darker pink Jimmy Choo stilettos that I would break an ankle in. She looks like she doesn’t miss a day at the gym, and with the shoes, she’s nearly six inches taller than I am. Since we hadn’t had a chance to catch up, I wasn’t surprised when she sat down next to me.
“Lily, thank you for everything.” She gestures at the table with her perfect manicure. “The food was incredible.”
“Actually, our grandmother did most of the heavy lifting. I was more of a grocery runner and sous chef.”
“Well, it was all delicious and I’m so happy to see everyone and catchup.”
She looks at me as if searching for something in my expression before she decides to go on. “Listen. I was just wondering, you and Josh. You’re not together, right?”
Why is she asking me this way; low-key hinting that Josh and I would be such an unlikely couple? I feel my hackles rise. Maybe she isn’t, and I’m overly sensitive. Suddenly, I felt like I should’ve stayed in my room with my journal and—quit while I was ahead.
In my head, I’m screaming.Actually, Jenny, since you asked, I’m in love with him. He’s probably the only man I will ever love. So, as of now, I will be getting some cats and just spinster out here with our Nona. Our grandmother that you didn’t visit once when she broke her hip, even though you live twenty minutes from here. Also, he doesn’t love anyone because he doesn’t “do relationships,” but if you are looking for a plus one for the wedding, that would make my world.
Oh my God, I can’t take this.
On brand, what I say is, in a near reincarnation of my earlier Howard Dean impression, “What me? And Josh? No way!”Too loud, Lily, too loud.I fake laugh, fully uncomfortable now.
“Why do you ask?” I smile even though it is literally causing me pain.
She briefly frowned like she’s worried she hit a nerve or that I might just be unhinged in general. She gets over it fast though.
“I mean he’s hot. You know? And now that his incident has cleared up, I was thinking… I would love to go out with him. But only if that’s okay with you?”
She puts her hand over mine when she says ‘only’ and I feel the bile rise in my throat. In an instant, my nausea is replaced by anger because by saying ‘his incident was cleared up,’ she’s admitting she considered he could’ve done those things he was accused of.
She doesn’t know him at all.
“Oh.” That was all I say out loud, however, followed by the inevitable, “It’s nothing to me. I barely know him.” My mouth dries up and then I burn my tongue with the tea Eli brought me.
I do know whenever he kissed me, the combination of tenderness and passion fooled my stupid heart.
