“It’s not the same,” I mumble. “That’s for all of them. I need to tell Ryder and Dane goodbye. And Bastian and Quinn.”
“Damn, how things can change in such a short time. Zoey didn’t even make the list.”
“Fuck you,” I breathe out as the calm, relaxing feeling takes over. As my racing mind begins to slow into nothingness.
“God, you’re so fucking high, you can’t even talk,” he jokes. “Looks like you got enough for one more hit. Why don’t you go ahead and do it?”
“I plan to,” I tell him. “Just as soon as I write these letters.”
I pick up the pen and stare at the fuzzy lines that won’t stay in focus. He’s right. I am so high;Heaven is just a sin away. Too bad Heaven won’t let me in, and the devil won’t let me go.
Dane,
Letting people in may seem easy for me at times, but you know it’s not. But the bond I felt with you was almost instant. I always admired the way you were unwaveringly loyal to those you cared about. Even when you drove me crazy with your pushiness, I knew itcamefrom a place of concern and worry. I never wanted to make you worry. It was my job to take care of you since this crazy ass journey of ours was my idea. But I know about the many nights you’d tag along to the clubs and bars and whatever else between just to make sure Ryder and I were okay. I hope one day, you’ll look back and remember me for the good things instead of the constant worry I caused.I’m sorry for all the pain and disappointment I’ve caused. Remember to love hard but to know sometimes you have to pull back. You can’t be everyone’s protector. Sometimes you just need to do what’s best for you. You are my brother in every sense of the word, and I’m a better man for having known you.
Bastian,
I’ve given you hell over the last few weeks. I’ve raged and roared like a petulant child, throwing a tantrum. But I’ve seen the lengths you’ll go to for me. I don’t deserve it, and you damn sureshould have hadbetterthan to get stuck with me. You can’t choose your family, right? Except you did. Blood or not, you didn’t have to watch out for me like you did. You didn’t have to accept me at all. I’m glad for the years of friendship you’ve given. I’m thankful for every time I call, how you dropped everything to be there. I wish we’d had more time together, but life doesn’t always go as it should. Take care of Verity. That girl is too good for you, and you fucking know it. And take care of my little nephew she has baking. Maybe one day,tell him about the good things I did instead of all the ways I fucked up. And in case you didn’t know, I do love you.
Ryder,
What a fucking ride, huh? Who would’ve thought that two snot-nose kids would end up on the road we have. The highs have been great, but it’s the lows I kept from you. You didn’t need any more of my shit than you already saw. You had enough of your own going on.
My point is that I know you’re going to blame yourself. Question what you could’ve done differently. I swear, Ryder, you couldn’t have done adamn thing differently. I fought hard. I fought for you. You’re the only reason I’ve made it this damn long.
Remember a while back when we both said we were tired? Well, I still am Ryder. I am more and more exhausted every damn day. The darkness in my head has taken over. The heaviness in my heart is unbearable.
Please forgive me for breaking my promise. I have kept it for a long time. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to give up. But this road has been hard, and I’m too tired to carry on.
Always remember that I love you. You are my mirror. My other half. Nothing and no one will ever change that. And no matter where life takes you, I will always be with you. I’ll live forever in your spirit and in your mind. Our memories are written in our scars and hearts, and there, I will always remain.
My beautiful canary.
I told you I’d break your heart, cher. It was destiny.
But I need you to know that I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I couldn’t tell you before because I thought if I didn’t say it, it would hurt you less. I was a fool. Just like I’m a selfish bastard fortelling you now. Like this. But I can’t leave this world without letting you know that you were the air in my lungs, the sun in my sky, and the stars that lit up the night. You were in my blood and marrow.
I wanted to be enough for you. I prayed you could keep my demons away. I tried to drown myself in everything that was you.
But I told you these demons would win. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t fight them anymore.
I’m sorry for what I said. I know how much you wanted a baby but didn’t think it would happen. I’m sorry I snatched that joy from you. In a different life, I would’ve loved to have all that with you. But to burden a child with whatever this is inside of me is cruel. Cruel to the child and cruel to you. No one should have to suffer as I have, questioning their sanity a little more every day.
Please forgive me. Forgive me for breaking your heart and mine. Forgive me for being a coward and a quitter.
I hope you find love. A love you deserve, though I’m not convinced there is anyone who coulddeserveyou. I hope you find happiness and peace. I hope you have that family you always dreamed of.
Most of all, I hope you think of me and know that I loved you the best I could. I lovedyouwith every molecule and cell. I loved you with every breath I took. There was never anyone else. I’d waited my whole life for you,and the moment my eyes met yours, I was done. It was only ever you. It could only ever be you.
My heart is forever yours.
I set the pen down with a sigh.
“Ready to go?” Bryan asks me.
All I do is nod. There’s nothing left to say;the story’s been told. I close my eyes and welcome the darkness.
May you never be broken again
