I inhale sharply. I have no idea what I expected, but that wasn’t anywhere near my thoughts. Even though I have never wanted kids, my heart aches for where I know the story is going. For her loss.
“Scott was great. He didn’t panic or freak out at all. Not like I did. ‘We’ll get married,’ he said. I loved him, and panicked or not, I knew I would keep my baby. So that’s what we did. Two weeks later, in front of the Justice of the Peace, we said ‘I do’. I was scared as hell, but I was also happy. I fell into my role as a wife very easily. Looking back now, it’s kind of scary how easily I took to it. What the hell kind of teenage girl just falls into wedded bliss like that?”
“A girl that wants simple things,” I tell her. “You don’t have to dominate the world to be a strong woman, Quinn. There’s nothing wrong with a woman that wants to rule fortune five-hundred companies while being supermom. My mom was like that. But there’s also nothing wrong with choosing to stay home and take care of your husband or children. My mom did that too. She did that for me.”
She inhales deeply then exhales with a stuttered breath. I feel a tear land on my chest as she sniffles softly. “I was twenty-two weeks when I was awoken from a dead sleep with so much pain, I thought my insides were ripping apart. I couldn’t breathe;it hurt so badly. Scott sat up beside me,asking me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer. He cursed when he pulled the sheets back. The bed was covered in blood.”
I squeeze her tighter, trying to comfort her while she relives the horrible memory, but I stay quiet, letting her work through it at her own pace.
She wipes her face andtries to pull away from me. I don’t let her. I keep her close, letting her know she’s not alone.
“Anyway, I went into a deep depression after that. For months all I did was cry. I was unbearable to live with. I realize that now. I realized it then, but I didn’t care. Scott and I barely made it through that time. Honestly, we should’ve called it quits then, but I couldn’t stand to lose him too. Then one day I decided that another baby was what I needed. I needed to fill the void inside me. Scott didn’t think it was the best timing, but he went along with it. We tried and tried for over a year and nothing, so we went to a specialist. Turns out I have a septate uterus which makes me more likely to miscarry or deliver prematurely, and in my case, also nearly impossible to get pregnant. My particular abnormality is one of the more severe cases. Less than two percent of women are affected. Getting pregnant the first time was basically a fluke. All of this triggered another depression. I was angry—so damn angry that my baby was gone, and my hope of having another went up in flames with a few words from the doctor. I became a raving bitch. No one could stand to be around me. Once the anger subsided, I just wanted to be left alone in my misery. Finally,one day, my mom and dad showed up. Said if Scott wasn’t going to do anything, they were. A few hours later, I was sitting in the middle of atherapist’s office, refusing to speak.”
I don’t mean to,but when therapist leaves her mouth, I flinch. If she notices,she doesn’t say anything. “Did it help?” I ask a little gruffly, trying hard to cover up my slip. “Therapy.”
“Not at first, but eventually. Eventually, I realized I’d been pushing everyone away because I didn’t think they could possibly understand my pain. Because I didn’t want their pity. The truth was that was when I needed them most. It was an instant fix. It took months, but I did get there, and I was determined to take back my marriage.” She lets out a mirthless chuckle. “I felt horribly guilty for everything I put Scott through. I knew he was probably hurting too, but I didn’t care at the time. I worked hard to repair our relationship. I honestly thought it was worth saving. What I didn’t know was the entire time he was with me, he had another girlfriend. I don’t mean during the time I was pushing him away. I mean from the very first hello. I want to say he was living a double life, but the other girl knew about me from the beginning. I guess he was content to have his cake and eat it too. Until she got pregnant. That’s when he decided he had todo the right thing. I came home from work to find my bags packed and waiting by the front door. He and his new, old girlfriend were waiting with the news that I was out and she was in. His parents had bought him everything before we were married, so there was no property to divide. He had me sign a prenup before we got married, and according to it, I wasn’t entitled to anything except half of the shared accounts.”
“I think he’s got to be the biggest idiot on the planet,” I say as I kiss the top of her head. “He had everything and tossed it away.”
“He’s not the biggest idiot,” she says as she shakes her head. “I was. I was so caught up in him, then scared to be a teen mom, and then consumed by grief, that he made a fool out of me. That makes me the biggest idiot.”
I flip her over to her back, hovering over her. “You have a good heart. You’re trusting and kind and gentle. That doesn’t make you an idiot. That makes you a good person.”
“Tell me something about you. Something no one else knows.”
“The world knows everything about me,” I tell her with a grin. It falls quickly to match the frown on her face.
“The world knows what you let them know. I’ve read the papers, and I’ve met the man. The two don’t line up. You’re not the rockstar bad boy you portray yourself to be.”
“Oh, Canary, you have no idea how bad I really am,” I half tease. Then I drop my forehead to hers in surrender. “What do you want to know?”
“Something real, Maddox. Not deflection or fluff. I want you.”
“The last time I saw Jewel before she died, I told her I hated her,” I whisper softly. “I’d been on a bender with Bryan, who’d come to New York after our tour ended, when she showed up at my apartment. She knew I was wasted. If anyone could tell it was her. I could hide it from the world but never her. She’d been clean for over a year. She wanted me to go to rehab. She begged and pleaded with me. Bryan laughed and asked her why she thought she could convince anyone they should get sober. She ignored him and continued to beg. Told me I was ruining my life, and she didn’t want me to be like her with a life full of regret. I told her it was too late. That she made sure my life was nothing but regret the day I was born. I told her I hated her for not aborting me in the first place. Then I kicked her out. A week later, she OD’d. I broke her. Because of all this hurt and anger I’ve had for so long, I crushed her spirit. She’s dead because of me.”
“Why do you do it?” she asks, and I am thankful that she doesn’t try to convince me it’s not my fault.
“Why do I do what?”
“The drugs,” she says softly but clearly. “Why do you do them?”
“Don’t you mean whydidI do them?”
“I can see you still struggle with it. Just like the drinking tonight.”
“Drinking was never as much of a crutch as the drugs, but I won’t deny it’s a problem too,” I tell her honestly. “I use a lot of things I shouldn’t, sex included, to shut out this.” I tap two fingers against my temple. “It’s loud and noisy in here. The drugs help with that. Or they did for a while. Now they’re just part of me. You’re right,cher, it’s a struggle.” I lean back from her as I reveal the next truth. “They’re one of many reasons you should stay away from me.”
“But you’re trying to get better.”
“I’m not, darlin’. I’m going through the motions to make everyone happy for now, but in the end, the addiction will win. And make no mistake, Quinn, I am an addict. I crave the drugs as much as I crave you.”
“You can do it, Maddox. I know you don’t think so, but you’re strong too. I can see it in your eyes, that you’ve got so much you carry, but you’re a good man, Maddox.”
I start to move off her bed, unable to hear this again. Especially after what I just told her. “I’m not. The sooner you see that, the better off you’ll be.”
She grabs my hand, and though I want to pull away, I can’t. “Your friends call every single day even though you won’t answer their calls. Sebastian and Verity have you in their home no matter how many times you lash out at him. Your father came here, pleading for forgiveness and understanding, knowingthe chances you would grant him either were slim. People don’t try that hard, fight that hard for someone who isn’t worth it.”
“Goddammit, Quinn,” I mutter. “I’m going to rip you apart.”
