I get a sick feeling in my stomach, but I brush it off. If I let it, I’ll be the one apologizing for being his greatest disappointment, or he’ll have me buying into his sudden concern. Concern that he hasn’t shown in years.
He stands up from the table. My stomach flips when I notice how slowly he gets up. I look at Bastian for a second, sending out my silent question, but he gives me nothing. Just fucking blank eyes.
“I didn’t come to upset you, Maddox. I just wanted to talk. Will you let me talk?”
I roll my head a few times to relieve the tension building in my neck. “Fine,” I snap. “Talk.”
“I’ll just let you two—” Bastian begins but I cut him off.
“Nah. You can stay. I’m sure it will be a short conversation.”
“Maddox.” My dad’s head hung with a sigh. Just like the other day, I can see so much regret in his eyes.
I drop mine from him. I don’t want to see the regret. I don’t even want this conversation. Because I want to stay angry with him, but I can’t stand to see him in pain.
I sit on the sofa, and gesture for them to sit. Bastian grunts and grumbles something about being invited to sit on his own couch as he sits on the other end from me with a scowl. My dad takes the chair across from me.
Nothing is said for several seconds, prompting me to move the conversation along. “Whatever you want to say, just say it,” I grate. “I’m not going to sit here all day.”
Dad nods, while tugging at his tie, his discomfort showing. “First, I wanted to bring you this. I was hoping you’d come to the house, but I realized after the other night that probably won’t happen.” He reaches inside his jacket, pulls out a small leather journal, then hands it to me. “It was Jewel’s. We found it shortly after she passed. I started to read it, but realized it wasn’t for me.”
“It’s her journal,” I say impassively as I jerk the book from his grasp. “Of course, it wasn’t for you.”
“It’s for you, Maddox. I can’t say for certain, but it seemed like it was all for you.”
I look at the book in my hands with surprise then back to him. Jewel and I were trying to rebuild our relationship, but it wasn’t easy. I was always on the road. We were both junkies and that didn’t lead to anything good. We bonded over shit we shouldn’t have.
When she died, I should’ve reevaluated my life. In a way I did. I realized just how fuckedI was and went even deeper down the rabbit hole.
I set the book to the side and wait on him to continue. “Maddox, I’ve been a terrible father to you. I know that. It was never your fault that you reminded me that my sister was a mess, and my best friend fucked me over. I love you, son. I have loved you since the day you came into this world, but I didn’t show it. I’ve been too hard on you. Demanded too much. Tried to force you to fit the mold of what I thought you should be. Just like I did with Jewel. I was never able to make things right with her. I need to do that with you, Maddox.”
I shake my head. A mirthless laugh escapes me. “My entire life, all I wanted was your damn approval. I wanted to make you proud. I hated myself—still fucking hate myself—for every time I was a burden. For every damn time I let you down. You decidenowto let me know it wasn’t my fault?”
“It wasn’t, Maddox. You were perfect. Flaws and all, you are perfect.”
“Is that why you bought my record label behind my back? Is that why you enlisted this asshole,” I jerk my head toward Bastian, “to help you? To make amends?”
“We bought it for you, Maddox,” he tells me. “When I found out it was for sale, I knew I’d never get the shareholders to approve buying through the company. I didn’t have the liquidity to buy it myself, so I sought out Bastian. I knew he would help because it’s for you. To make sure you didn’t lose your contract.”
“Because, of course, I couldn’t keep the contract on talent and merit alone, right?” I said sarcastically.
“Shut up, Maddox,” Bastian snaps. “I’ve already told you it had nothing to do with that.”
“Right. The other interested party wanted to turn it into a pop label. That’s what you said,right? Except guess what? I could’ve bought it. And I didn’t need to go through shareholders to do it because despite what you’ve always believed, Ididmake it. On my fucking own. I didn’t spend one fucking cent to get the deal. We got it because we are good.”
“I know you're good,” Dad argues. “You’re the most talented musician I’ve ever heard. We just wanted to help. Why is that so hard for you to accept?”
“Because you did it to control me,” I yell. “Everything in my life has been about pushing me away while pulling all the strings.”
“It’s. For. You,” Bastian growls again. “I don’t want a goddamn record label. Your dad doesn’t want a damn record label.”
“Too fucking bad I don’t want shit from either of you.” I stand up and start to walk away.
“Maddox, don’t go. Please.” Dad begs me. Again. And something about it sends a chill down my spine.
“Why?” I ask, trying to hide the uneasy feeling in my gut. “Why now?”
“Because I’m dying, son.”
