This is my goodbye but it’s only for a little while
You were the one who kept me afloat
For you have I tried to keep breathing
But these ghosts haunt my soul and mind
This may be my last note
But from you, I’ll never be far
This is goodbye but it’s only for a little while
It won’t be long now but don’t shed a tear
Don’t cry for me or mourn my name
Cause I will always be with you
Even after I’m gone
My last song is goodbye but it’s only for a little while
I hum the words as my fingers move across the strings. I close my eyes and finally let tears I’ve held back far too long fall. I feel the song inside me. Each note is like the beat of my heart. My soul is poured into that song for my family. The only people that have made me feel loved and accepted.
I open my eyes. The room still feels too small, but at least everything seems normal again. I decide it’s as good a time as any to move on to the next story in my tale. At least until the next episode hits.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. It’s never been like this. Like I’m swimming through muck and mireand it’strying to drag me down. Where I can’t distinguish reality from fiction.
I walk back to the table with my notebook and pen, just noticing that Bryan has left. I don’t know where he went this time, but I guess it’s only fair. I can’t expect him to stay with me every second. In fact, this is the most time we’ve spent together at once since we met.
Even after that night with O’Dell, we left and went our separate ways.
Journal entry #7
May 2014
Life resumed after O’Dell. I pushed forward even when all I wanted to do was drown in a bottle or in white powder, but somehow I managed to stay away from it. Eventually, graduation day came, and it felt like any other day. If not for my dad’s insistence, I would’ve skipped the whole thing. Ryder agreed with me, but his grandfather also insisted.
I stood up on the stage and gave the Valedictorian speech, and looked out among the crowd to see my friends and family beaming with pride that I didn’t understand.
I guess it was an accomplishment for someone that couldn’t focus on the work. Very few assignments were ever turned in. I worked it out,though. Some I convinced to just let me prove to them without extensive papers that I knew the material. A couple of the other professors were more than obliged to accept sexual favors in exchange for a good grade. I didn’t mind. They were hot, and I was horny.
There was one professor that gave me hell. He hated the fact that a bullshit test said I was smarter than him. He was determined to prove otherwise. When he failed me, I appealed the grade. When I won, he was pissed. That started a new policy where professors were obligated to provide other means of proving a student knew the material. The professors knew I knew the material, but even after all that time, the work wasn’t something I managed well. Neither was my time. But I personally thought the policy was bullshit. I also thought my appeal win was bullshit. It didn’t seem fair that I got a free pass because I could explain it to them instead of doing the work. Contradictory, I know. But if no other word describes me, it’s that one.
I spouted off the bullshit speech about new chapters, moving forward, and preparing for the future and didn’t bother to hide my eye roll when I received a standing ovation. My hat was off, gown undone,and tie loosened before I finished walking across the stage. I wanted to get out of there and fast. I was in no way mentally ready to deal with my dad.
But Dad was nothing if not smart and cunning. He already knew what I woulddo andwas waiting in the wings before I got there. “I’m proud of you, son,” he told me with a smile.
I ignored his comment and grabbed Callie in a swinging hug. Spending time with Callie over the years hadn’t been easy. I tried hard when I was in River City to make time for her. I didn’t want our relationship to become strained like Chris’s and mine did, even before my massive fuck up. And my relationship with my newest sister was non-existent since Jamie left Dad. Not that it would’ve been much of one given the nearly sixteen year age difference and thousand mile distance between us.
“God,you get more and more beautiful every time I see you,” I said as I kissed her cheek. “Not a little girl anymore, are you?”
I set her on her feet, and she beamed proudly while shoving me. “Is that your way of apologizing for forgetting my birthday?” she teased. Except, I knew her well enough to know it wasn’t entirely teasing.
“I didn’t forget. I called,” I reminded her. I would never forget her birthday. Much less her sixteenth birthday. But she was miffed I didn’t send her a present like I had every year.
“You did. You called, said happy birthday, I love you, and then promptly said you had to go. The most important birthday in my life,and I barely got thirty seconds out of you.” She set a hand to her hip and cocked her little blond brow.
