“Just a pain in my ass.” I kiss her lips one more time before I crawl from the bed. I snatch my sweats off the floor, pulling them on as I leave the room. “Don’t fucking move from there,” I tell her before I walk out. “We’re not done.”
“Masters!” the fucking asshole yells out again.
“What?” I demand as I walk into the main living area where Jax and Zane stand with arms crossed, waiting on me.
“Jesus, Maddox, you could’ve handled that first.” Zane gestures to my crotch with a grin.
Fucking clown. Zane and I had issues for a while too, but those issues are in the past. We get along fine.
“Well, I was planning on doing just that before someone burst in, uninvited,I might add, bellowing my name like a fucking bear,” I taunt Jax with a smirk. His shoulders heave and nostrils flare. I almost expect him to start pawing the ground, preparing to charge. I haven’t even started waving the red cape yet. “What the hell do you think I’ve done now?” I direct the question to both of them.
“Not me,” Zane grins as he leans against the sofa. “I’m just here because Zoey thinks I can control him. She’s the one who sucks his dick, not me. Though he knows I wouldn’t mind.” Zane waggles his brows like a damn fool, and I laugh because it only pisses Jax off some more.
“Shut the fuck up, Zee,” he grunts.
“Always soen colaire, Jax. Always hangin’ abahbin. Maybe you should try smilin’ once in a while.” Now I wave the red right in front of him, knowing he has no clue what I’ve just said. But I also know he has an idea. It’s also so far beyond how we’ve been with each other for the last few years, it throws him off a bit.
“Cut the shit, Maddox.”
I’ve taken every beating he’s dished out for years because I believed I had it coming. I still do. That will probably never change. But I’ve been miserable for a long time. Anxiety, guilt, pain, fear, worry—they grow and fester if you don’t deal with them. Mine morphed into anger and frustration,and self-destruction a long time ago. And I’m tired. I’m tired of it all, but today, I’m tired of everyone trying to run my life for me.
I will admit, though, there has been one bright spot in all of this. Hell, probably the brightest spot in years, and she’s in my temporary bed, naked under my sheets, waiting for me, while I’m out here with a throbbing dick, talking to a cranky giant and his way too laid back cohort. I don’t feel like being the dog he kicks today.
Besides, I know why he’s here, but I’m not talking to Zoey. She’s like Ryder. Maybe not quite as in tune with me as he is. That comes from being together practically every day for nearly two decades. But we still have this inexplicable connection. No matter how often or little we see each other, that connection never wanes. Not even during the time she tried to hate me.
I love Zoey. I have always believed I would never love another, but it’s not a love I can’t live without. Because as much as it hurts, I have lived without her. As much as it ripped me to pieces, I’ve willingly watched her live her life with Jax and their kids. As long as she is part of my life in some capacity, I’ll be okay. Mostly. Sure, I’ve gone on some pretty serious benders after being around her, but for a little while, just seeing her smile, I’m happy.
And it’s for all those reasons and more that I can’t see or talk to her any more than the others. They may not know everything about me, all the parts I’ve kept hidden, but they know me. They know what’s important,and they’ll see through the bullshit that I’m getting better. They’ll know I’m just as fucked up as I ever was.
Which is why I intend on pushing Jax’s last buttons. Maybe if I do that, he’ll keep Zoey away.
“And what shit is that, Jax?” I walk past him with an eye roll to the fridge. I grab a carton of orange juice and a glass from the cabinet, then pour myself a drink.
I turn to see him rolling his neck from side to side. The muscles in his jaw flex as he clenches his teeth,and his fists are balled tightly at his side. One thing I’ve never doubted is that Jax McCabe will raze the world for Zoey. Even when we were kids, that day at the zoo, I knew. I could see it then,and I can see it now.
But he’s trying to contain his animosity for her sake. “Call her,” he grits out. “You’ve been here for weeks. You won’t see her, so just fucking call her.”
“I thought you’d be ecstatic that I left her alone.” I raise a brow, challenging him to deny.
And the fucker does just that. “Why would I want that, jackass? I know you two share some sort of bond. Why would I be happy that you’re hurting her? Again. I want to fucking kill you every time she cries, but I want you to call her.”
A knot forms in my chest, knowing she’s crying over me. I’m not worth her tears. But I keep my face neutral and my tone emotionless. “I’m not calling her,” I tell him as I turn up the glass, driving home that I don’t care. The bittersweet liquid does nothing to wash away the guilt and lies from my soul.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he bellows loudly. “I thought you cared about Zoey, but I guess you really are a narcissistic, self-centered bastard. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
And a switch flips. He hasn’t said anything I haven’t thought about myself. He isn’t saying anything that I haven’t heard before. But for some reason, hearing him say it sets something off inside me. Anger because Jax doesn’t know a thing about me. He’s never tried to know anything except maybe what Zoey has told him.
“What’s the matter, Jax?” I ask as a devilish smile forms on my lips. One I don’t remember permitting, along with the words I’m about to say. It’s like an out-of-body experience. I’m watching myself as I unleash verbal venom that is meant to inflict the harshest pain and incite the fiercest rage. Also knowing, if he tells her, it will hurt her deeply. But I cannot stop it. “You got the girl and the kids. You have the happily ever after. It shouldn’t bother you that I got all her firsts. That my dick was in her mouth, cunt, and ass before you grew the balls to make a move. I popped every cherry she could imagine and then invented a few more. She was a good little slut for me. Pretty sure she’d go for another round too. What do you say, Jax? Want to tag team that pretty little ass? She sure did like it when it was Ryder and me. Don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone scream as loud as she did.”
I know what they mean by hell in his eyes because it’s all right there in Jax’s dark ones. They blaze with the fire of a thousand suns—yeah,that’s the best analogy I can come up with right now, sue me. Zane stands straight with a string of muttered curses looking back and forth between the two of us.
But none of that is where my attention is. If I didn’t wish I could stop the uttered garbage that slipped from my lips before, I sure as hell do now as I stare into whiskey eyes that are full of confusion and disappointment. I’m so focused on her I don’t see the fist coming from the six-and-a-half-foot quarterback until it lands on my jaw, knocking me backward.
I’ve felt the power behind Jax McCabe’s right hook more times than I can count. Fuck, if every time doesn’t hurt more than the last. Good thing I enjoy physical pain almost as much as I like cocaine and sex, and I’m still not happy that he ruined my fun times earlier. Even less happy that after my verbal vomit, it’s probably finished for good.
But in all these years, I’ve never fought back. I shouldn’t fight back now. Not after what I said. And definitely not after the gasp from the girl standing in the corner.
As always, I logically know that she would probably think better if I just stayed down and took what Jax dealt. It might earn me back a few points after hearing what she did. But logic isn’t motivating me. Aware or not, it seldom does.
