My breath hitched, and mychest squeezed tight. I have no idea what they were talking about. Had no idea why she thought I could ever hate my dad.
I slapped a hand over my mouth. I wanted to run in there and ask what they were talking about.
“It wouldn’t change anything, Jewel. And remember, I won’t be the only one he hates.”
That was the end of their conversation. Jewel left without another word, and I didn’t see her again for years.
A few weeks later, the new school year began, and I was shipped off to New York. I assumed I’d done something wrong. That it was a punishment for running off with Jewel.
It was the start of many new things for me. It set the stage for my life to unfold as it has. Because without it, I wouldn’t have found my true family. The ones who have my back no matter what.
It was also the beginning of trying so desperately hard to prove myself to everyone. To prove I wasn’t a massive fuck up or a burden. That I could be something more than my last name.
It was also where I learned I would never accomplish that goal. It was when the truth that I will never be enough became apparent.
More than all of that was the changing of the season. It began my descent into the abyss. My season in hell. A season that has never ended.
Can’t forgive and can’t erase
Present day
I stare at the words on the page, recognizing the truth in them. If I’d never been sent to New York, I wouldn’t have met Ryder, and I’m not convinced I would have made it this long without him. Later came the rest of the guys. My friends—my real family.
But as much as they have kept me moving forward for so long, I know I’ve been a hindrance to all of them.
And if I’d never been sent to New York, maybe, just maybe, other events wouldn’t have unfolded. Events that taught me to keep everything close to my chest. For my protection and for others.
To this day, I’ve never spoken about any of this. Not even to Ryder. No one needed to know. I didn’t want the pity, and I didn’t want anyone else getting hurt because of it.
I debate if I want to tell them now. If I want anyone to know the secrets I’ve kept hidden for so long.
I started this to say goodbye and relieve them of any blame they may try to claim.
With a sigh, I pick up the pen. I already know it is unlikely any of them will see this anyway. The shrink wanted me to write it all out. To expunge the demons through the pages. So far, it has felt like very little expungement has occurred, but I’ve written this much. I may as well continue. Maybe that will cure my broken psyche, after all.
Unlikely, but I’m on a roll.
Journal entry #4
2004-2006
Boarding school was when I changed from difficult to eccentric. From musical prodigy to overall genius.
I didn’t entirely understand it then. I fucking hate it now. I’ve called Tyler a virtuoso a few times without thinking and wished every time I could take it back. No one deserves that kind of pressure.
God, I hope I didn’t set that kid up for failure.
My father was dumbfounded when a few tests showed I didn’t suffer intellectually, but rather the poor performance and disruptive behavior was because I’d been bored.
“That’s exactly what we’re telling you, Mr. Masters,” Ms. Collier, the guidance counselor, explained with a strange smile. Now I know that’s the smile of someone ready to suck any dick they have to in order to win the prize. In that case, it was me.
They thought I wouldbring some kind of accolades to the overpriced school. They were sorely disappointed.
I watched as my dad draggedhis hand down his face with a clenched jaw. I didn’t know who he was angry at, and I really didn’t want to know.
“We would like to give Maddox a more challenging curriculum. If he progresses as I believe he will, he could be a graduate by next year.”
“No.”
