“Excuse me,” Dad blurted out in shock.
I turned to look at him with anger and frustration. “Momma tracked her down just as she was making thehand-off.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Maddox. I wasn’t actually going to do it.”
“I was eight,” I bit out. “I didn’t understand it then, but I sure as fuck do now.”
My dad looked like he was about to explode, but I was done. I couldn’t stay in there with them any longer. My only option, though, was to go upstairs to my room.
“You okay, mate?” Ryder asked, that British accent full and thick and on display.
“Not really,” I answered truthfully. “I don’t know what to do with any of this, Ry.”
“I don’t reckon there's much to do with it. It bloody sucks, that’s for sure.”
I layon my bed, looking up at the ceiling while he sat in the chair across my room, plucking at the strings of my guitar. The one Jewel gave me.
Dark thoughts swirled around in my mind, getting heavier with each passing minute. The burden I was to everyone never seemed more real. I was such an inconvenience to Jewel, she couldn’t be bothered to keep me. Hell, apparently,she couldn’t even be bothered to stop using while she was pregnant. I wondered if that’s why I was such a damn mess.
I was a burden to my dad. Although, technically, I guess he was my uncle. He’d taken on raising a kid that wasn’this. A kid that caused him moreheadachesthan a person should have. From withdrawals as a newborn to staying in trouble at school. Because lately, it was more than just a little disruptive behavior. He was doling out money left and right to make sure I didn’t get expelled for fighting. If he found out about the rest, boarding school would’ve been the least of my worries.
I wondered who my biological dad was. Did he know about me and not want me too? Was he some random hookup of Jewel’s? Or worse, was I the result of how she paid for her drugs during that time in her life?
My stomach began to churn violently, and my heart started racing. I wondered what the point was. All I’d been was a nuisance my entire life. A constant inconvenience and burden to all those around me. When I left there after the break, all I would have was a fucking school where I was fucking raped by the person in charge of my mental health, a bunch of kids who cared more about my last name and what I stood to inherit one day, and Ryder.
I loved Ryder, but I couldn’t keep it up anymore.
Your day will come
Journal cont…
I spent a week in the hospital that break. A few days of it was strapped to a bed. They wanted me to talk about my feelings and shit. That wasn’t happening, so I began tossing out bullshit. I didn’t likemanipulatingpeople, but I knew the right things to say to get them to let me go. I also blew a lot of smoke up their asses. I heard the doctor tell my dad that I was attention-seeking and questioned him about several things. I also heard the word narcissist thrown out a time or two as well.
Even if it was my own fault they said it, that one stung.
I felt bad. I felt bad that Ryder found me. Ryder has stuck with me through everything. All I’ve ever been able to offer in return is the same courtesy. But it’s a courtesy I know he’s grateful for because he’s been through some fucked up shit too.
I also felt guilty that my dad, once again, had to deal with my shit. That I’d disappointed him,God only knows how many times.
But mostly. I felt bad that it didn’t work.
When it came time to leave, Dad begged me to stay. For the first time, I didn’t jump at the chance to tell that school and that sick fuck to go to hell. I couldn’t. If I was breathing, I had to go back. For Ryder. There was no way I was letting Murphey O’Dell anywhere near him.
The first few weeks back, I barely left the apartment. My routine was class and my room, my room and class. I sat in the dark day in and day out with nothing but the new Fender my dad bought me for Christmas. I tried to write new music, but nothing would come to me. So I simply played what I already knew.
Ryder spent nearly all of his free time with me. It wasn’t fair tohim but fuck if I didn’t appreciate it.
“There’s a party going on at Preston’s place. His parents are in Greece for—well, who knows how long, but they’re not home.” We sat back to back on my bed in the dark, playing our guitars. I played a piece of a song, and where I dropped, he’d play a piece of a different song that started with the samechord. Sometimes we’d add our own twist or a different style, but Ryder and I played together likeit’s what we were born to do.
“Not feeling it Ry.” I strummed out a few bars with a heavy sigh. He wanted to go, but he didn’t want to leave me. He hated leaving me. Not that I could blame him. I knew he was scared that he’d walk in and find I’d finished the job back in River City, but it wasn’t fair to him. “I think you should go. You don’t have to stay just because I’m here. I’ll be okay. I swear.”
“No, you won’t.” A dark chuckle fills the air. I can feel the muscles in his back tighten against mine. “I’m not going without you, but I think we should go. You need something besides these four walls in the dark.”
“Why? Me and these four walls have become very good friends,” I joked.
“Mads,” he sighed heavily.
I leaned my head back against his with my eyes closed tight. “All right, Ry. I’ll go,” I told him.
