Soon as we got there, I hit the liquor and the X. If I had to be there, I wanted whatever it took to make me feel like I was anywhere else. It wasn’t a huge party. Preston Montgomery-Wilkes was an elitist, and if your last name didn’t mean you were automatically a multimillionaire by birth, he didn’t have time for you. So his guest list was always on the small side.
Unless you were a tall, leggy blond exchange student from Germany that spoke very little English. Preston had been after her since she appeared at the beginning of the semester.
But when I locked eyes with her that night, I knew it wasn’t Preston who would get her. She wanted Ryder and me. Soon as we entered the room, her eye-fucking began. The next morning, I woke up with my legs tangled with both of theirs.
That was the first time Ryder and I shared. It wouldn’t be the last, but that’s what opened the door to our very unique relationship.
I didn’t go home at all that year. Instead, I went with Ryder. My dad argued at first, so his sudden change of heart made me believe Jewel was still around. Spring break and summer, we stayed with his grandfather,who took us and Ryder’s sister, Rayna, to Australia with him while he was there on business. That summer, we both fell in love with surfing. Every waking moment was spent in the water.
Come Christmas break, my dad was resigned. He didn’t ask me to come home. I supposed my stunt scared him enough that he didn’t want to push.
We spent that Christmas with Ryder’s mom and stepdad. His grandfather was away on business again, so there wasn’t much choice. A few nights into our stay, his mother hosted a Christmas party. I was shocked at the indulgence of it. My family could be over the top at times. It was always for appearances—to promote the Masters’ name and brand, but what his mother put on was insane. Gold and crystal were everywhere. She even boasted the ornaments were 24 karats and handmade by the designers of her father’s company. It was gaudy, in my opinion, but I was sixteen,so what did I know?
I learned that night that Ryder’s mother was possibly one of the worst human beings on the planet. She didn’t deserve to have kids. Especially not Ryder and Rayna.
She spent the entire night putting them down every chance she got, but always when she thought no one was looking. When all eyes were on them, they were beautiful reflections of the hard work she’d put in as their mother.
At some point, I watched as she berated Rayna to the point of tears then proceeded to slap her hard across the face. Ryder was beside himself. He yelled and threatened his mother until she said something that made him stop. To this day, I don’t know what thatsomethingwas, but with blazing fury in his eyes and fists clenched by his side, he walked away.
I followed a few minutes later. I heard Rayna’s soft sobs and paused at her door to knock. I tapped lightly, asking that she let me in, but after several minutes of no response, I gave up. I understood what it was to want to be left alone.
I entered Ryder’s room to the thunderingsound of destruction. He’d taken one of his guitars and used it as a weapon against everything. Glass was shattered. The drywall was damaged. The guitar was in pieces.
The anger gave way to defeat when he saw me, and he crumpled on the bed. I sat next to him in silence. Neither of us moved or said a word for the longest time until he decided to break it. “You’re not the only one with family issues, Mads,” he told me sadly.
“Never thought I was, Ry. My problems just go beyond the familial. I’m the one that’s fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up, Mads. You’re you.”
He looked over at me, and I swear he saw through me. Right to my soul. And I saw him too. We were both so damaged and broken on the inside even though the world saw us as perfectly untouchable.
We’d both developed a reputation for being trouble. But the rich sort. Tabloids and paparazzi wanted to catch us at every turn. Of course, it hadn’t been hard lately. We were always in some sort of trouble that my dad had to get us out of, but Dad didn’t complain. I knew I was treading thin ice, but I was determined to push it as far as I could.
But at that moment, there were no flashing cameras. No audience. It was just two very lost, lonely, broken boys that felt each other’s pain in ways no one would ever understand.
We just stared at each other. It could’ve been seconds, minutes, or hours. I had no idea. Then he crushed his mouth to mine in a kisslikeI’d never experienced. It wasn’t passion or fire or heat. It was dark and tormented, much like my soul.
When he pulled back, I didn’t say anything, but I tilted my head in question, waiting on him to explain. “I’m sorry if that was weird.”
“Not weird. Unexpected.”
He nodded and blew out a breath. When it came to sex, Ryder and I were both gender blind. Some had referred to us as pansexual, but we hated being labeled as anything. We were just us.
But we’d never gone there with each other.
He gripped my head, leaning until our foreheads touched. “I want to fuck you.”
All the hairs on my neck stood on end, and I closed my eyes. For a brief moment, my mind revolted. But when I opened my eyes, I knew my answer. “Only if I get to fuck you too,” I told him with my lips pressed in a thin tight line.
Within moments, clothes were gone, and so were any boundaries or inhibitions between us. Secrets remained, and they always would. But we were as close as any two people could be, sharing our battles and our demons in a way that two teenagers shouldn’t even comprehend because nothing about it could’ve been construed as gentle lovemaking. He was the first and only person I’ve ever willingly let inside me, even if it was brutal.
Soon after, we returned to school early. We spent much of it at every party we could. Getting drunk and high had become my favorite pastime, along with fucking anything and everything that moved. It was how I coped with O’Dell.
He’d been drawn to Ryder for a while and didn’t hesitate to taunt me with him. I had to protect him, so I offered myself asasacrifice to the sadistic motherfucker to keep him away from my best friend. But he’d gotten extremely more aggressive with his demands, and his blackmail knew no bounds. I didn’t mind the physical pain. It kept my mind off of the mental agony each encounter left on me. But the aftermath was a little worse each time. Either my anger would grow,or I’d withdraw into myself. I was a mess of emotions that were getting harder and harder to control.
The tipping point came just before spring break. Ryder and some other guy had gotten into a horrible fight over the other guy’s girlfriend. Dudes were funny about their girlfriends. Never seemed to have the sense to know they’re the ones spreading their legs. Although, there were also a few girls that would quickly claim force. Ryder and I madesure to keep far away from those psychopaths.
But the counselor wanted him to see O’Dell for anger issues. I lost sleep for days over that. I knew what would happen if Ryder went into that office. Not only did I not want him to suffer the torment I’d been suffering for three years, I didn’t want him to find out about me.
