I clench my teeth to stop myself from saying the wrong thing. Instead, I return to my seat in the Adirondack, bringing her with me. I pull her into my lap then force her to look at me. “I don’t think anything like that, and it pisses me off that you think I would put you in the same category as the random women I fuck. I know I said I can’t offer you more than that, but if it means you degrade yourself, it won’t fucking happen again.”
Her eyes drop to her hand. “I didn’t mean—”
I jerk her chin to force her eyes back up. “I know exactly what you meant. I may be a fuck up, but unfortunately, I can’t blame it on stupidity.”
She shakes her head. “My confidence hasn’t been the greatest lately. I guess I just thought, because you’re you and all, that it was the only reason you could want to,” she pauses to gesture between the two of us, “you know.”
“Darlin, that’s not even close to the truth. If that’s all I was after, there are plenty out there for that purpose. If we’d met in a different life, maybe I could be better for you. This is just all I have to offer, and I mean it,cher. If a man can’t give you that much—do that much for you, then they’re not worth your time. Your pleasure should be theirs. It sure as fuck was mine.”
Her skin brightens again, but this time there’s a small smile on her lips. And I can’t resist. I lean in for a kiss before I lift her off my lap. “Go inside before they send the calvary to save you from the big bad wolf.”
I watch her hips sway as she walks off. My eyes linger even as I light the cigarette I’ve pulled from my pocket. When she’s inside, I lean back against the chair, taking in the cloudless night. When I’m done, I stub out the cigarette, flicking it over the rail. I start my way inside when a flash of red catches my eye.
I drop to pick up the thin, lacey material, bringing it to my nose with a smirk. I can’t have the girl, but I can have fun with her body as long as she lets me. Or until the demons get too loud.
Regret is my home
Present day
Fuck up. If it can be fucked up, I’m gonna be the one to do it.
I don’t know how it happened. I just know I thought it was Quinn. It looked like her. It smelled like her. It fucking felt like her.
Blaming the drugs would be easy enough, but I know it wasn’t the drugs. It was me. My screwed-up head makes me see things that aren’t there. Except, this time, I couldn’t tell it wasn’t real.
Probably because I want it to be.
I climb out of the shower, not feeling any better. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I needed to wash the woman off my skin.
“Why did you let me do that?” I ask Bryan when I return to the bedroom. “You knew I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”
“Why the fuck do you feel guilty over that?” he throws his head back with a moan. “You dumped the chick. You made sure she hates your guts.”
“How the fuck do you know that?” I ask because I know I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell anyone. Ryder only got the bare minimum, and he has no idea who I was talking about or what I did.
“Told you, I know things.”
“That’s fucking creepy,” I scoff because I know he doesn’t talk to my friends, and if anyone knew anything, it would be them.
“Whatever,” he waves me off. “You gonna explain all the guilt over some fucking whore?”
I fly across the room, grabbing him by the shirt. I walk him backward until I have his back slammed against the wall. His head hits with a wicked thud, shaking the pictures on the wall. “Want to try that again?”
“She’s a fucking stripper that let you in her pants faster than you can do a line.”
“You fuckingcoullion. You stalking me? Or you stalking her?” He gives me a sleazy smirk without answering my question. “You say another word about her, and I’ll cut your tongue out. Go near her again, and you’ll learn the real meaning of go fuck yourself.”
“You took yourself out of the equation, man. She’s free game.”
Anger, as I’ve never felt, consumes me. Wrath. Vengeful fury courses through my veins until my fist connects with his face. He won’t go near her if I have anything to say about it.
He grins wider with blood on his teeth which only incites me more. I swing again and again until he slumps onto the floor. I want to keep going but somehow find the power to stop. I don’t actually want to kill him. Not yet anyway.
If he goes near Quinn again, I won’t hesitate.
I’m wound up. My mind is racing in a million different directions. Frustration and anger. Disappointment and confusion. They’re at war for space in my head.
I drop onto the bed, my head in my hands. I begin pulling at my hair. It’s so loud even though the only sound in the room is the air conditioning. Desperation fills me until I know there’s no other choice. I’ve got to quiet the monster in my head.
