My mother held me every night as I cried myself to sleep. She held my hair through all the morning sickness. My dad helped me build the crib I was going to need and get the apartment baby proofed.
Tears fill my eyes at how much time they devoted to me. Time I never thought they had for me. Turns out, they had the time, but I was the kid who never asked for much. One night when I broke down over my grandmother and Ryder and how I thought I was in their way, my mother told me they always thought I just enjoyed independence. They didn’t know I felt less important than my siblings, and I didn’t know just how far from the truth that was. The undeniable truth that they loved me irrevocably and unconditionally and would always be there when I needed them.
They were with me through everything in the last several years. Tyler’s birth, which was traumatizing for a single teenage girl. For the diagnosis that I thought would bring me to my knees. They even helped me get my degree. It was just a general studies degree that I mostly did online, but at least I could say I finished college. I have no idea how I’m supposed to do—anything without them now.
I need my mother now when I’m being assaulted by memories that I try to bury. They’re wonderful memories but they just hurt too much because the ending was an abrupt nightmare. One that changed me from that girl I once was.
I close my eyes as that first day back in the diner weaves its way through my mind. I was so naïve and blind to how the world really worked. I thought they would be part of my life forever.
God why does it still hurt?
Tears flow like a river. I’ve held them back for so long that now I can’t seem to make them stop. I miss them so much. All of them. So many people I’ve lost—my grandmother, my parents, my friends from New York. The guys—I miss them so much. Ryder. I stilllovehim. I hate myself forit, but it has hurt to breathe without him.
I fell in love with him. It wasn’t instalove. When they walked into that diner, I had no idea what to think of my attraction to the two men.
But I fell for the dark, sarcastic, wicked British boy who twisted me in knots with a few quick words and a look. Then I fell in love with his heart. Because Ryder Jamison is multilayered, but the deepest layer is his beautiful soul. He internalized so much, never willing to let me see his darkness beyond the bedroom. Even there, I knew he kept it tame. I asked him once if he missed the things he did with Maddox and others when he was with me. He told me that when he was with me, he didn’t need those things anymore. He didn’t need something to numb the pain or release the anger. He didn’t need the artificial peace of what they did because he had the real thing with me.
Exhaustion begins to press down on me, making my eyes heavier with each second that passes and every tear that falls. I fall into a deep, but not restful, sleep as those memories become dreams and the dreams become nightmares.
When movement next to me shifts the bed, I jolt upright, staring into the same beautiful hazel eyes that were just haunting my sleep. He is a replica of his father. Nothing about him came from me. Not his looks and not his personality. He even has the same devilish grin that will one day make girls as crazy as Ryder’s does.
“I’m hungry, Mom,” he tells me kneeling beside me on the bed. “There’s nothing to eat.”
“Yeah, I know, dude,” I sigh. “Maybe we should go to the store.”
“Can’t we just go to the diner?” he whines, giving me a pouty lip.
“We’ve been to the diner twice this week, Ty. Let’s try something a little bit less deep fried andgreener.”
“The lettuce and pickles are green,” he argues.
“And you don’t eat either of those,” I point out, booping his nose.
“Ugh. The green stuff is gross, Mom.”
“You sound just like —”
“My dad,” he finishes the sentence. I close my eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat. I’ve never hidden who his dad is from him. I just didn’t tell him everything. I definitely left out the part about Ryder not wanting Tyler to exist. But I still tried to limit his questions. I was terrified of him wanting to meet Ryder one day, and getting his heart broken like I did.
“Yeah, baby, like your dad. Now about the food problem.”
“Fine,” he huffs. “Can we have ravioli and garlic bread?”
“Hmm. I think I can swing that. With a salad,” I raise my brows.
“I’m not a rabbit, Mom,” he grumbles with an eye roll.
“Come on,” I tap his leg to get him moving. “Let’s go to the store.”
He nods, scrambling off my bed. I follow behind, checking Matt’s room as we go down the hallway. I knock and wait for his response. I’m not stupid. I know what teenage boys do.
“Yeah,” he calls out gruffly.
“Hey,” I say as I peek into his room. The smell of weed permeates the air. I’m the adult in the house. I should probably reprimand him or something, but I won’t. Not when what I want to do is ask him to share. “Thanks for watching, Ty. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“No problem,” he tells me without looking up from his phone.
“Matt, I don’t want you to worry about the house, okay? I won’t let you lose your home too.”
