“Why the hell not? You have no problem pushing me,” I yell. “The great Ryder Jamison follows me around and I’m supposed to bow at his feet.”
He grabs me tightlyby the arm, dragging me between two buildings. He presses me against the wall with his teeth clenched. “We’ve had this conversation before. Don’t presume to know me, pixie. You don’t know anything about me.”
“You’re right. We did have this conversation. Turns out I was right the first time. You don’t care about anything but the challenge of fucking the girl that told you no. What’s the matter? Your ego can’t handle it?”
“Fuck you,” he yells in my face, slamming his palm against the wall by my head. I jump from the action. I know he won’t hurt me, but the frustration pouring off of him right now makes him intimidating as hell. “You think because I have money that I’ve never beentold,no? Let me tell you something, pixie,you’rethe one that’s had the perfect little life. Not me. You think I want you because you’re a fucking challenge? I hate to tell you, love, but a challenge is not worth this fucking headache.”
“Then why?” I try and fail to shove him. “Why won’t you just go away?”
“Because I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he yells even louder.
“Well, too bad. Because you did.” The tears start to sting behind my eyes. I squeeze my eyes, not wanting him to see. I don’t want him to know, more than he already does, how much he affects me. How much his stupid words hurt.
“And I’m here to say I’m sorry. I just want to apologize, but you won’t let me.”
“An apology implies that you didn’t mean to say what you did,” I scoff. “I thought you were always in control of your actions— your words.”
“I am. I meant to say it. I knew what I was doing when I said it.”
My brows fall between my eyes as my anger skyrockets. He’s talking in circles, telling me in one breath he’s sorry and the next that he knew what he was doing. I refuse to listen to his garbage anymore. I push at his chestagain. When he doesn’t budge, I begin to pound my fists against him. “Get out of my way,” I scream. “I’m not listening to this anymore.”
He grabs my hand, pinning them to the wall above my head. He’s just as pissed as I am which only infuriates me more. He has no right to be angry. “You’re done listening when I say you are.” I watch as the muscles in his jaw and cheek tick.Those sharp angles and lines seem to grow infinitely sharper —harder with each breath he takes. “I can control what I say and do, but I can’t control you. I wanted you to get angry and leave.”
“Mission accomplished.”
“Stop fucking interrupting me. One more time, and I’ll keep that pretty little mouth so busy, you don’t have a choice but to listen to me.”
“You’re a bastard.”
“Never claimed anything different, love. Now are you going to shut up or am I going to make you?” I open my mouth to argue again, but when he quirks his brow, I snap my mouth shut knowing he’s not bluffing. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted you to shut up. To drop it. When I realized I hurt you, it gutted me.” I narrow my eyes in disbelief, but I keep quiet to let him finish. “I know you think I just want in your pants. Maybe that was true at first, but if it were still true, I wouldn’t have missed you while you were gone. I wouldn’t be trying to apologize. I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone I care about, and I do care about you, Heaven.”
“You called me a whore.”
“A tease.”
I narrow my eyes. “Excuse me.”
He gives me a low chuckle. “If I called you anything, it was a tease.”
The tears I’ve tried so hard to holdstart to spill over. “I just wanted us to be friends,” I whimper. “I thought we were friends.”
“Love, we wereneverfriends. We willneverbefriends. Not saying I didn’t try because I did. I know I joked and teased you, but I really did try. It didn’t work. I think about you all the damn time. I know you think of me too.” He drags his nose along the edge of my jaw until he gets to my ear. “And you are a dirty little liar if you say otherwise.” He pulls back, looking into my eyes. “Please tell me you forgive me, pixie. It’s killing me.”
“I don’t know if I can. I’ve never felt so ashamed and worthless, Ryder. I don’t deserve that.”
“No. No, you don’t deserve that. I am so sorry. If you forgive me, I swear I will never do that again,” he leans his forehead to mine as he releases my captive hands to grab my face. “At least, think about it.”
I close my eyes, breathing him in. My heart squeezes and my stomach flips being close to him, but I don’t know if I can forgive him. Even if I can, I don’t know where that would leave us. Where I want it to leave us.
“I’ll think about it,” I finally agree because I know he won’t let me go if I don’t. “That's all I can give you.”
He nods with a heavy exhale. “Let me drive you home?”
“No. I’m not doing that, Ryder. I said I’ll think about it, and I will. But I don’t think you giving me a ride right now is a good idea. Just— just give me a few days, okay?”
His face tightens, but he relents with a nod as he steps away from me. I move away from him, back toward the street. “Please, think about it, Heaven,” he calls out.
I don’t look back. I want to, but I know it’s not a good idea. Instead, I march forward with a lot to consider, and no idea how I feel.
