It’s also hard when I want them to leave Rayna alone. I hate when she cries.
When mother caught her the other day stealing a cookie, it was the last straw. Rayna was just hungry. Isn’t she supposed to eat? I don’t understand why Mother continues to call her names and put her on diets. We’re just twelve. Aren’t we still growing?
I shouldn’t have said anything though. It made everything worse. She grabbed Rayna by her arm so hard, Rayna cried harder.
I also shouldn’t have pushed Mother away from her. I only made everything worse. But I am struggling more and more every day with keeping calm and following the rules.
Our stepfather is useless. He sees the way Mother treats us. He doesn’t care though. As long as it’s not his little angels. With me, it’s not so bad. I don’t care if Mother thinks I’m stupid or worthless or just like Dad.
I wish my grandfather weren’t so busy. I wish he could be around more often. Even if I can’t tell him anything, when he’s near, Mother is onherbest behavior.
I just don’t understand how she can treat Rayna like this. All she wants is approval and love. She does everything she’s told. She never breaks the rules. Except the cookie. But our little sisters were eating them too. Why was that fair?
“I can’t keep it in anymore, RayRay,” I tell her. “Mother is vile. I wish she would go away.”
“Don’t say that, Ry. Mother loves us. She tells us every day.”
I scoff, but that’s just Rayna. No matter what Mother does, she still loves her.
I hate her.
“She doesn’t love us, Ray. We’re just something for her to parade around, so she can get some kind of praise. I wish she had died instead of Dad. Dad wouldn’t get angry if I forgot the words in the play or hit the wrong note at the recital. He wouldn’t call you mean names or not let you have a cookie.”
“Mum loves us, Ry,” she says again. It’s the only thing she ever says. I wonder if she thinks she says it often enough that it will be true.
I don’t argue with her anymore. Rayna doesn’t see what I do. Her heart is too sweet and gentle.
We lay there for a while longer until she starts snoring softly. I can’t let her sleep long. Mother will really lose it if she finds her in here. But this is the last time I will see my sister for a while. Tomorrow, I will be put on a plane for the U.S. I suppose a boarding school here in England was still too close.
My stomach is in knots. I’m not afraid of leaving. I’m not even afraid of a new school. Leaving will be the best thing for me. And if anyone thinks they’re going to intimidate me, I’ll just give them a bloody nose like I did to Martin Lane the other day when he was picking on Rayna.
I am afraid of leaving Rayna. She will never stick up for herself. The bullies at school will know I’m not there to save her. I won’t be here to comfort her when mother begins her verbal assault. Who’s going to dry her tears while I’m away?
I stand against the doorway with my hands braced on each side. My chest heaves as I breathe through the pain of what I’ve done and the memory. I’ve always been the one to soothe the tears away.
I move further into the room, my feet pulling me forward with the need to right the wrong, to ease the pain thatIcaused. Heidi’s eyes shoot up toward me. She shakes her head. “No, Ryder.”
Heaven’s body jerks as another whimper escapes her, and I step closer. “I’m sorry, Heaven. Let me make it better.”
Heidi shakes her head again. My head drops between my shoulders, and with a nod, I turn to leave, saddled with the fact that I hurt someone I care about.
I care about her. Fuck, it’s the feelings Maddox talked about, but it’s true. I care.
Thoughts threaten to take over as they tell me how stupid I am or how selfish. I can’t argue, but it’s the voice I hear that straightens my spine. The voice that has ridiculed everything about me that gives me the motivation I need to make this right. And I don’t know how, but I will make this right.
Heaven
The Chain
I wipe the steam off the mirror and stare at my puffy, bloodshot eyes. What am I talking about? My entire face is puffy. I look like I’m getting over a bee attack.
I don’t know why I am so upset. Ryder proved with a few words what I knew all along. I believed from that night at the diner he just wanted sex. I also knew his charms would be hard to resist. Which is why I insisted that we only be friends.
Of course, he’s Ryder, so he just ignored my requests. After the beach a few weeks ago, he never tried anything else, but he hasn’t hidden what he wants. Ryder blasts right past innuendo and trails the edge of inappropriate at times. He doesn’t filter what he thinks. He doesn’t buffer or soften to spare feelings. So, I’ve known all along he wanted more than to be just friends or whatever. But he respected my wishes – kind of.
I was starting to feel like part of their little circle of friends. I felt like, despite his words, he accepted me anyway. That I was more than just a challenge. That we had actually become friends, and that he wouldn’t cross any lines because of that.
The night at his penthouse should’ve told me differently. When I first walked in the door, everything seemed like it had been. I was part of the guys.
