“What’s that supposed to mean?” I nearly shout at the accusation.
“That right there,” he circles a finger around me.
“He’s right, man. We all know that you’ve been through some shit. You try to push it down. But you pushed it down so far for so long that there’s nowhere left for it to go but out.” Jake tells me.
“I’m fine,” I continue to argue. “I control myself. No one else. It just happened one time.”
“The mirror, Ryder,” Angel points out, looking at my wrapped hand and cut face as if it proves his point.
“That wasn’t the same thing. Any of you would’ve reacted the same if you’d had all that laid at your feet. Besides you were the one beating Erikson’s ass just a few weeks ago.”
“This has been happening more and more, Ry. What about the tour? How many fights did you get into?” Dane asks. “How many nights did you have to spend in jail while we tried to get you out?”
“It was a few,” I shrug.
“The last three months of the tour, it was every night. Every night someone would bump into you or say something, and you would lose it.”
“I was tired and stressed from the road. Could happen to anyone.”
“Dammit, Ryder, stop! Just fucking stop,” Dane yells, getting to his feet. “You live for control. It’s like a security blanket for you, but it has gotten worn and ragged after years of use. You need to open your eyes and see that you have lost it. All that control you fight so hard for everyday is gone.”
Shaking my head in denial, I open my mouth to say something, but get cut off by Jake. “Yesterday you lost it in front of Heaven. You admitted that you just snapped. I get why. I would’ve done the same thing if it were the kids or Cara, but you said it wasn’t Nova you were seeing. What if it had been Heaven? Or Tyler?”
I feel the blood drain from my face at the thought of doing that to them. “I would never hurt them,” I breathe out a painful breath at the thought. “I can’t hurt them.”
“But what if you do? You are completely out of control when that happens. I’ve seen it when it happens. Youflash back. I’ve seen enough of Cara’s flashbacks to know when it’s happening.”
“You need to talk to someone, brother. You need to get your shit together before you do something you won’t be able to come back from because it’s going to happen, Ryder. And I know you. If you hurt either one of them, you won’t recover from it. Talk to Cara’s guy. He’s some contact of Bastian’s. You can tell him anything.” Dane stands over me, looking me in the eyes with sympathy.
He is right. If I ever hurt Heaven or Tyler, I wouldn’t recover. For that matter, if I ever really hurt any of them, I won’t be able to handle it. But I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to relive all of that shit. It’s in my dreams enough. “I don’t want to bring my past into my present.”
“Haven’t you learned the last few days that your past affects your present and future whether you talk about it or not? It only has a chance to hurt you when you don’t deal with it. Trust me.” Angel tells me as he puts a hand to my shoulder.
“I’ll think about it.” I scrub my hand over my face as bone deep weariness fills me. “I swear I will. Just text me that number.”
“You got it,” Jake tells me.
“Where’s Maddox? We’re supposed to be out there working already, and he has some news.” I ask all of them.
“Saw him go upstairs just before you walked in,” Jake answers.
I give a short nod as I get to my feet. I make my way up the stairs down the hall to Maddox’s room. When I place my hand on the doorknob, a sense of foreboding floods me. It nearly doubles me over as the air leaves my lungs. The feeling is so strong, it takes a concentrated effort to force myself to turn the knob.
My heart is racing and sweat runs down my spine as I push the door open. I grab the door frame for support when I see my best friend laying on the bed, not moving.
“DANE!” I yell out as I rush to Maddox. I push the paraphernalia out of the way and yank the needle out of his arm. “DANE!” I yell again, desperation and terror filling my voice.
I check Maddox’s pulse. It’s there but it’s weak. His breathing is so shallow his chest is barely moving. I slap him hard across the face. “Wake up asshole,” I scream at him. “Don’t youdarefucking die on me.”
“Why are you –” Dane rushes in, but as soon as he sees he doesn’t finish his sentence.
“Call nine-one-one,” I demand. “Now!”
He pulls out his phone and starts dialing just as Angel and Jake run in. I stare at Maddox, not knowing what to do. This isn’t one of those situations where a cold shower will help. Do you do CPR on someone with a pulse? Do you give mouth to mouth if they’re still breathing? I don’t know, and I’m losing my mind.
“Forty-five minutes is too long,” I hear Dane yell into the phone. “He needs help now.”
“Fuck that shit,” Angel growls. “I’m getting the car. You guys get him downstairs.”
