Those two sentences from that little girl made my heart explode in every way conceivable. It was fullofwarmth and joy and heartache and sorrow.
I’ve never felt so much love from a single person. Itmade me feel like I was flying to have her ask me that. I was humbled and honored.
But then the grief took over because I realized I would love to be her mommy.I can’t let myself believe that could ever be a possibility. It’s insane to think such things anyway. This between Jake and I won’t last. And I amnot in the right headspace to be anyone’s mother.
My heart grieves that she doesn’t have her mother.That she will never know that unconditional love that onlya mother can provide.Though, knowing what I do, she doesn’t deserve Lyraeither.
Every time I think about that woman – if you can call her that – I get so angry. How do you walk out on your child? On your flesh and blood without looking back?
My shoulders shake under the weight of so many emotions bearing down on my soul.
“What the – ?” I hear Jake exclaim as he walks out of one of the other bedrooms.I thought he would’ve left by now.Within a second, his arms are around me. “What’s wrong, Cara?”
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. I can’t tell him. I know Lyra will probably mention it, but I can’t.
He scoops me up, carrying me to the sofa.He sits with me across his lap, rocking back and forth. “Come on, Cara. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
When I don’t say anything, he continues to rock and shush me. I can feelhis tension in every muscle.I know he has to go. He is probably already late.
I finally stop sobbing. It’s frustrating that I’m always so emotional, but normally, it’s just me that has to deal with it. I don’thave to worry about affecting anyone else. I have my little breakdowns – or big ones – and then go about pretending it never happened. Since this tour has started, Jake has seen nearly all of them.
“You need to go,” I tell him.“You were already running late as soon as we got here.”
“Not until you tell me why you were crying.” He pushes my hair off my face. He’s scowling at me, but I can see the genuine worry in his eyes.
“I’m just tired, Jake,” I smile weakly.“You can’t keep the guys waiting.”
“Don’t do that,”he nearly yells. “Do not shut me out. We’ve shared it all. Tell me why you were crying,or I’m not going anywhere. I swear, Cara, I’m not in the mood, and I don’t give two fucks about a damn show when you’re upset.”
A knock at the door keeps me from responding. I move to get off his lap, but he tightens his grip. “Leave it,” he growls.
It is totally inappropriate, but his growly, demanding tone and behavior is turning me on. If we had more time, I’d convince him we should go to bed while Lyrasleeps. It would be a good way to get him to drop the subject of what’s wrong with me.
But we don’t have time. I’m not making him any later than he already is. Or I’m trying not to.
The knocking sounds again but louder. I cup his face in mine, trying to get the frustrated, angry man to see reason. “They’re not going to stop, and then they will wake Lyra.”
He releases me,but his face gets impossibly angrier. He wants to know why I’m crying, and I’ve been afraid to ask why he seems to bepissed lately.Seems our communication skills aren’t improving.
When I got to the door, he stalks to his room. The black cloud hanging around him seems to get even darker.
I open the door to seeDane and Liam standing there. I don’t get a chance to invite them in before Jake is beside me.He grips my face a little too hard, his eyes searching mine. “We’renot done,” he tells me. I have a feeling he’s talking about more than just our conversation. Isuddenly realize why he didn’t want to go. His eyes soften, not much but enough for me to seefear behind the anger. He kisses me then stalks out the door.
Dane leans to kiss my cheek then asks me what’s going on with him. All I can do is shrug because I have no idea.
I don’t plan on taking Lyra out that night. In fact, since that night in Kyiv,I’ve been afraid to go anywhere. I sit on the sofa with my laptop and work on myassignments for school. I’m not sure what time I fall asleep. I just know I awakeas I’m being laid onthe bed.
Jake kissesme softly on the corners of my mouth before taking my lips with his. Even through the haze of sleep, I relish the way his lips feel on mine.He slowly makes his way down my jaw to my neck as he removes my shorts and T-shirt.His hands move gently over my body, kneading and stroking until he reaches my apex.
My mouth falls open on a soundless moanwhen his fingers stroke through my fold. He continues kissing his way down my bodyuntil hislips wrap around my nipple. My hands fly to his head, holding him in place as he continues to work my core.
I’m on the verge of climax when he removes his hand. My body moans in protest. Until I hear the sound offoil ripping.
He enters me slowly.The intensity in his eyes, in his touch,takes my breath away. He rocks into me just as slowly as he entered. The air around us is thick with emotion.
He watches me, not taking his eyes away from mine for a second.He stretches up, angling his hips to reach farther inside me, our eyes still locked. I feel tearssting my eyes from everything he is pouring into me with his body.
Completion rips through me without warning. The secondmy walls grip him, he falls with me, a deep groan falling from his chest.
