“What have you done to her?” Dane turns those accusatory eyes on me. “I told you if you hurt her, your ass was dead.”
I open my mouth to say something. Then snap it shut when I can’t come up with a single thing to say. Fortunately, I don’t have to.
“He didn’tdoanything. It’s because she likes him.”
My head drops. I should be ecstatic. Except, I already knew Cara was attracted to me, but it’s morethan that. It’s a connection. Like electricity running down the wire.
“Why would that stress her out? Why would that cause nightmares?” Dane still watches me from the corner of his eyes, but his demeanor has relaxed slightly.
Ryder looks at mesympathetically. My heart plummetsbecause I know what he’s going to say. I’ve already figured it out. Kind of hard not to when she’s done nothing but avoid me.
“Because she doesn’t want to like him. She doesn’t want to be attracted to him. She doesn’t want to feel anything. She doesn’t trustherself anymore, so she doesn’t trust anyone else either.”
Exactly what I thought.
“Why the hell doesn’t she trust herself? What the hell has been the point of all the therapy if sheis still living with all this guilt?” Dane is clearly frustrated. He can’t stand it that this isn’t something he can fix.
I think it goes deeper than that for her,though. I’m not sure why, but I get the feeling therapy isn’t helping Cara with all her issues because she’s not telling them about all of her issues. She is keeping things locked up. For what reason, I don’t know.
She shuts down when anything gets too personal. She closes herself off when she starts to feel too much. I don’t know if her therapy hasn’t given her the tools or if she’s not using them, but it’s become apparent to me after watching her the last few weeks that she doesn’t want to feel.
Considering how we found her in River City, I get it. She was feeling too much there. She didn’t know how to process what happened to her or her feelings. Shewas broken.
She’s still broken. But she’s built walls around the pieces to stop them from breaking even more. The problem with that is those pieces can’t be put back together witha fortress guarding them.
Before, I liked Cara. I felt an intense attraction to her like I’ve never felt for anyone. The girl climbed into my head and under my skin,and I’ve never been able to get her out.
These last few weeks, I’ve found myself falling for her fast. It’s been those moments when I watch her with Lyrawhen those walls seem to come down. It’s in moments when she thinks I’m not watching as she sings while writing in that journal of hers. It’s the way her face lights up when she sees her brotheror talks to her sister. I’ve seen glimpses of her heart.
And I want to be the one to carry that weight on her shoulders. I want to heal those broken pieces. I want to dry the tears I caught fallinga time or two. I want to show her that the past doesn’t define her but mold her into someone who rises above it all.
Is that crazy?Does it make me insane that I am so completely wrapped up in a girl that won’t even stay in the same room with me?Probably no crazier than having an obsessive crush over that same girl for five years.
“Dane, it’s going to take more than a few months of therapy for her to really be better,” Ryder tells him.“What we see is an act. She puts it on so we won’t worry and to make her feel like she has some control.”
“I can’t stand it.” His shoulders slump.
“She was seduced and manipulated by her first adult boyfriend.He betrayed her in the worst possible way by handing her over to be sold like a piece of cattle. She watched her sister get hurt, and in her mind, it wasbecause of her decisions. Is it really that surprising that she doesn’t trust herself or anyone else? Three months of therapy is not going to undo all of that damage.”
“Speaking from experience?” Dane questions, but it’s not condescending. It’s genuine curiosity.
“Years of therapy didn’t help me,” Ryder laughs.
They continue to banter back and forth,but my mind is elsewhere. It makes me sick what that douche bag did to her. Iknowsomething else happened too. Something Dane and Maddox don’t know about and what that could be scares the hell out of me.
It makes me sad and angry to know she doesn’t trust me. I wish I would’ve let her get to know me years ago instead ofwatching her like a creep from a safe distance because I knew my attraction was wrong at the time. If I’d taken the time to talk to her, maybe she’d trust me now.She’d know I would never hurt her.
“Get out of your head, Jake. Sheknows you’re not like that sick fuck.It’s not you specifically she doesn’t trust.”Ryder’s eyes are firmly latched on mine. His tone isdetermined to make me understand.
“What then?” I don’t mean for it to come out angrily,but damn. Whenyou’ve wanted a girl for this long only to find out that some other bastard has done so much damage you may never get a chance, it’s hard not to be angry.I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. She won’teven have a simple conversation with me. I don’t want to be the cause of her anxiety and stress.
“You’re not,” Dane tells me with a hand to my shoulder.
“What?” I tilt my head in confusion.
“You not the cause of anything, Jake.” Idon’t respond. I didn’t realize I said any of that out loud. “It’s how you make her feel that is causing her panic. And that’s not a bad thing. She needs to feel.She has gonefrom one extreme to the other. From feeling overwhelmed with her guilt and sorrow to trying to feel nothing at all.Whatever it is that you’ve been doing, you need to keep doing it.”
“I haven’t done anything.” It’s hard to do something when she’s gone out of her way to avoid me.
