“I did sleep last night. Tonight, I can’t. I’ve taken my meds.I’ve meditated. My thoughts were taking a dangerous turn, so I decided to try these books like my therapist suggested.”
“What’s got you on edge, Cara?”He graspsboth sides of my face firmly but gently. It’s a startling contrast but so very Jake.“Why did you sneak out of bed this morning? Why were you so shaken when I found you?”
He never brought any of that up earlier today. I wish he hadn’t now. I want to look away,but his grip keeps me firmly in place.My eyes close as I try to erect my walls a little taller.
“Open your eyes, baby.” My eyes open, against my will, at his command.“I told you, I’m not letting yourun away from me. I know for you, it’s only been a short while. I’ve waited for just the slightest openingfor years. I’m not waiting anymore.Talk to me, Cara. You know, or at least I hope you do, that nothing you have said or will say will change how I see you.”
Why does he say these things? It’s like he hasn’t heard a word I’ve told him.“I had to make a phone call this morning.I had to call Christian.I should’ve made it yesterday, but I wasn’t ready.”
“Who is Christian?” His eyes stay so completely focused on mine it’s a little unnerving.
“Christian is the man that saved me. Ilet him know he wasn’t dead,”a small sob lodges in my throat as I say the words all over again.“I’m not sure he believed me at first, butwhen I told him what he looked like, he did.”
“I’m sorry it upset you. I’m sorry you’re going through any of this.”
“It was my own carelessness and recklessness,” I shrug. “I can’t blame anyone but myself for all of it. My hands are the ones that are bloody.”
“No. It wasn’t your damn fault. Youmight have made a mistake in who you trusted, but everyone hascrossed that bridge a time or two. I’m a good example of that.”
“It’s not the same. Your decision didn’t get someone killed. It didn’t get your sister hurt. No one had to risk their lives to save you.” My bottomlip trembles.The pain of what happened is excruciating, but it’s the guilt that’s crushing me.
“Let me ask you something,” he tells me. “Do you think Cami deserved what happened with her ex?”
“No!” I exclaim, appalled. “Why would you even ask that?”
“Because everything your sayingsuggestsyou do. Cami was with a bad guy,but she chose to be with him. Even when he started hurting her, she chose to say. By your logic, she deserved what happened to her.”
“It’s not the same thing,” I demand. “Cami didn’t get someone hurt or killed.”
“Didn’t she,though?Every time she went back to the tool was like a knife through your brother’s chest. Does that mean she shouldn’t be with Dane? Has she not come to her senses,shecould’ve been killed.”
“It’s still not the same,” I insist, nearly shouting.“The only person really hurt by Cami's actions was Cami. My actions hurt others.If it weren’t for me,they wouldn’t have been there. It should’ve been me. Not Jasmine! Me!”
My chest heaves with each word, but my voice never getsabove a harsh whisper.My fists clench tightly at my side.
His fists clench, too, right into the bones of my hip. Holding mein a punishing grip. His eyes, concerned and curiousmoments ago, are now flaming with fury. One hand reachesupto my jaw, this time gripping almost painfully. “Do not ever fucking say that again. Do you understand me?” he nearly yells. “Do you know that if anything had happened to you worse than it did that Dane would have lost it? His guilt is barely contained as it is. And what about Maddox and Ryder? Don’t you think they’ve lost enough? And me? Do you have any idea what knowing you were gone forever would’ve done to me? I’m sorry your friend died. It wasnot your fault.I understand your guilt, but it was not your fault.Do not ever think it should’ve been you.”
My heart races at the anger in his voice and the hurt in his eyes. I’m speechless. What I said was true. If I hadn’t dragged her along with me, Jasmine would still be alive right now. But he’s right too. About Dane, at least. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it if I’d died. It’s part of why I haven’t told him everything that happened that night.
“What would it have done to you?” I ask him softly.
His grip loosens on my face. He pulls me until our foreheads touch. “I know thisthingwith us is new for you. Most days, I want to kick myself in the ass for not making a move sooner. Iwatched you for so long – wanted you for so long – I felt like a stalker,” he chuckles when he says stalker, making me smile too. “If anything had happened to you – if I completely missed my chance, I’m not sure I would’ve survived. As it is, I wonder if I’d gone to you on your birthday like I planned, if any of this would’ve happened in the first place.”
I jerk back from him in surprise. “What? Why would that even cross your mind?”
“You can’t deny our connection, Cara. I know you want to, but it’s been pretty clear since I showed up with Dane in River City. If I’d gone to you all those years ago, maybe you would’ve gone to college in New York instead of Chicago.You wanted to explore your sexuality? You could have done that with me.”
“Jake,” I gasp, shocked that he is taking blame for my actions on himself. He brings his lips to mine with a soft kiss. It’s so sweet it almost makes me cry. “Why did you come to River City?" I whisper when he pulls away.
“I was on Dane’s case to bring you home for a long time. When he told me he was going to check on you, I had to go. I needed to be there to convince him to bring you home. Kicking and screaming if need be. I needed you back home so I could take my chance.”
“What happened? I didn’t even know you liked me until....” I trail off because I’m not entirely sure when I knew.
“You seemed so fragile.” He brushes my hair behind my ear. “Then I started second-guessing myself. Not how I feel, but I knew there was a possibility you wouldn’t feel the same way. You’re so young, Cara. You still have a lot of things you probably want to do. I come with a toddler who demands most of my attention. I work at my grandfather’s auto shop. The way I saw it, you’d be settling for me if you even gave me a shot. I didn’t want to hold you -.”
I shut him up by slamming my mouth to his. I can’t shove down my feelings for this beautiful, beautiful man anymore. I still don't want this. I still don't think there is a remote possibility it could last. I’m too broken.
But right now, I can’t deny how I feel.
