“Do you?” I ask indignantly.
“Back to earlier. Have you identified the trigger so you canprevent it?”
I exhale, glad he’s not going to push about Jake. “No. Everything happened so fast. I didn’t even have a chance to prepare myself or stave it off.”
“Cara, while you have the tools to help yourself, you know I did not recommend you going on this trip. You need more sessions here.”
“But you agreed we could do this over video,” I argue.
“No. I told you we could continue over video after you insisted.”
“We’ll make it work,” I nod definitively.
“We will definitely try, Cara. Like I said, you have the tools, but you cannot rush this. You have certainly made wonderful progress. Don’t push yourself into a setback. Travel like you’ll be doing can be stressful under the best of circumstances.”
“I won’t get stressed,” I promise. All the while wondering how I will keep that promise.
“Okay, Cara,” he sighs. “We’ll talk again next week unless you need me beforehand.”
“Thank you,” I say, then end the call.
I am not helpless. I am safe. It is not my fault.
I inhale sharply, then hold it for a count of five before releasing it through my mouth with mytongue pressed against the top of my front teeth. I repeat the process twice more before exiting the room.
When I walk out, I turn into a pile of mush. Warmth unfurls in my bellyalmost immediately at the sight in front of me.It nearly brings tears to my eyes.
Jake has Lyra in his lap, reading her astory. Her two middle fingers in her mouth, she smiles widely as he changes his voice for eachcharacter.
I stand back, letting the adorable scene wash over me. I commit it to memory because it’s the type of image that will be useful during my breathing exercises.
I’ve never seen a kid cuter than Lyra, except maybe my nephew, Dax, who is also all blond ringlets like his parents but has ultra paleblue eyes like his father’s twin sister. Lyra’s eyes aren’t ice-blue. More of asky blue with a smokey center. So big and full of intelligence. Expressive and happy.
“You can come sit with us,” Jakesays without looking up. I wonder how he knew I was there.
I suppose it would be weird to continue to stand here and watch. I walk toward them until I’m standing just to the side of the sofa. Lyra’s eyes light up when she sees me.
My heart skitters and skips that those eyes light up for me.
“Cara.” She whispers around her fingers.
Jake jerks his head to the seat next to him. I look at the spot. Hesitation fills me. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You’re not.I’m just doing this now because she’ll be asleep when I get back tonight.”
Warmth spreads further, filling me to the brim with feelings I don’t want. I swallow it down, refusing to let it surface or take hold.
I wouldn’t be a woman if seeing him with his daughter didn’t evoke some kind of emotion. There’s just something about watchinga man with a child – a father with his child – that always pulls at my heart. Maybe it’s because I never knew mine.
Dane has always assured methat my father wasn’t worth knowing. Deep down, I know he’s right. I never laid eyes on my father. He knocked my mom up even though he was married to Dane’s mom at the time.My mom didn’t know that. It was just a fling,I suppose. She didn’t live long enough for me to really find out.I just know she said she never regretted it because she got me.The same thing happened with our sister Tori. Unfortunately, she didn’t even get a great mom out of the deal.
Dane found me when I was eleven. Just showed up one day. He said he didn’t even know I existed until then. His mom told him about me.
My mom immediately let him in. I suppose she could see the goodness that is my brother. Saw how he just wanted that connection. How he wanted to protect me.
I don’t know where I would be today if he hadn’t. When mom died, I landed in foster care for a bit. My brother did everything he could to get custody of me. His grandfather helped. Then, finally, it was done. I came home with my brother, the only family I had left. Or so I thought. A few years later, completely by chance, Tori stumbled into our lives.
Watching Jake with Lyra makes me wonder what it would have been like to have that bond. That beautiful connection that only a daddy and his daughter can have.It’s not worth lingering over. I’ll never know, but every time I see him with her, my heart squeezes. He is such a good dad.
