I know if Maddox or Ryder were standing there, I would not get this reaction. I understand the relationships are a bit different but still.
Gathering my wits, I move forward until I’m standing directly in front of him. I place a hand on the door and another on his chestso that I can push him out of my room.Sparks ignite when my hand connects with his chest.Sparks I choose to ignore.
I push against him.When he doesn't budge, I try to use my bodyonly to gasp at the very prominent bulge between us. I look down then back up to himwith surprise on my face. Lust is one thing, butthatis more than just a little lust.
His irises are nearly wholly swallowed by his pupils. Hisjaw is clenched tightly, the muscles there flexing under the strain.“I told you to waitfor me,” he grits.
I swallow down the nerves thatthreaten to bubble. “I’m jet-lagged and tired, Jake,” I tell him, praying my voice doesn’t give away those nerves.
I push him again, trying to ignore the heat radiating off his very hard body without any luck.
Before I can register what is happening, he grabs my wrists, pullingme even closer.Electricity is not sparking. No. Lightning has struck. My body has erupted into flames.
Where the hell is all of this coming from?
With another quick, unexpected movement, he spins me.My arms are pinned across my chest by his while his other hand presses against my belly.Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles as the storm we just missed moves in.My back to his front, he drops his mouth to my ear. “I just wanted five minutes,” he growls.
But his words barely register. The heat of arousal is replaced with the icy, cold tendrils of panic.My already racing heart picks up speed for entirely other reasons. My entire body feels frozen in place. My mind has gone to a place I hate. To a place I wish didn’t exist.Images – memories flash. I can’t breathe; my lungs seized withmy fear.
Arms wrapped around me, hold me in place with bruising force forcing my back to press against his erection.A hot, wet tongue slides its way up my neckcausing bile to rise in my throat.
“Watch,” a hot breath demands in my ear.
Breathe, Cara. It’s not really happening.
I smell expensive cigars.The taste of blood fills my mouth.I hear screaming; pleas for help assault my ears.I feel teeth biting into my shoulder as I try to close my eyes. “I said watch,” the man demands again.
I’m not there. I’m not there.
Lightning flashes from the high windows. Thunder rumbles in the distance. More screaming fills the air.Another rumble. This one much louder.
I want to scream. I want to fight. I can’t find the ability to do either. All I can do iswatch.
“Cara, come on, baby. I’m right here. Listen to me,” I hearrepeated over and over in my ear. “Listen to my voice, Cara. Please, just breathe.”
Jake. That’s Jake's voice.Jake wasn’t there that night.
I feel myself eased to the floor, and I hear shushing sounds.That didn’t happen either.I’m not there. I’m with Jake.I’m with Jake.
My body practically convulses as sobs violently wrack my body. His arms wrapped tightly around me, no longer from behind but cradled like a child in his arms. It feels safe.
I choke on my sobsas I remind myself it’s only a memory. It’s in the past. It cannot hurt me today unless I let it.
Usually, these episodes have warnings. Signs thatI've become aware of, thanks to my therapist,and I start working through it. Latching on to what is real. I use the techniques I’ve learned to keep me in the present.
There are still triggers I’m not aware of, though.I had no idea Jake was going to do that, much less that it was a trigger.I’m not even sure if it’s what he did or if it was the way I was pinned against his body,or if it is the weather.I know the weather is a trigger for me, but so much happened so quickly that I can’t be sure.
I have no idea how long this episode lasted; how long I was reliving that nightmare.It was completely real for me until my mind was finally released from that dissociative state.I am suddenly aware that the screams I was hearing were my own, thanks to my incredibly raw throat.My face is wet from the tears that have fallen like a river.
Jake, is rubbing my back while making shushing sounds. He rocks me from side to side with hischin propped on my head. Warmth unfurls within me from his gentle comfort before the heat of embarrassment floods my cheeks.
I try to remove myself from this very intimate position, much more intimate than those months ago, in my apartment.He doesn’t allow it, though. His arms only get tighter when I try. “I’m okay now, Jake,” I tell him. I’m not okay. It will be a bit before I feel less unsettled. Hopefully, it will be hours and not days, but a call to my therapist is probably warranted. “Really. I’m fine.”
I look up to see so many emotions flitting through his blue-greeneyes.Concern and care areclearly displayed.I’m more than a little stunned at theaffection I see. It’s unhidden and unbridled and so powerful, I forget to breathe. “Just let me keep you here for a minute, okay?You may be fine, which I don’t believe you are, but I’m not. Let me just have one more minute.”
I nod my head, still pressed against his chest, in agreement. He is sending me all kinds ofoddsignals that I don’t understand.Frustration andagitation earlier. Then absolute lust and desire a few moments ago. Now,it’s absolute care and concern.
His heart is racing so fast;it’s like a stampede in his chest. And it occurs to me, maybe he’sworried about Lyra’s safety with me. Perhaps that was why he wasso reserved this morning and why he snapped at me. Because he saw my breakdown in River City.Maybe all this worry and fear isn’t for me but for Lyra.
