What am I supposed to say?Oh right…rewards. For my team.Wait, what the hell does that mean?The only parallel I could think of was when my high school volleyball team had given out superlatives and varsity letters at the end-of-season banquet. Was that what I was supposed to do here?
I looked around for trophies. But there were none. Just tons of goblets. The DJ was dressed like a jester. And all the servers were wearing some weird cross between tuxedos and medievallivery. Oh, and there was a totally sweet throne that looked like it was straight out ofGame of Thrones.
My nervous brain combined those two concepts - a sports banquet and medieval times - and I ran with it.
“My good people,” I said into the microphone with a weird Scottish accent. “My good people, please. Settle down.”
A hush went over the crowd. I had their full attention.
“For months we have struggled against the tyranny of the blue team and the whore-princess Chastity.”Whore-princess? Eek.That sounded a lot harsher than I’d intended.And it didn’t even make sense. They’d been battling Cole all summer. This was Chastity’s first time as princess. “But today, thanks to the brave efforts of our valiant warriors, that all ended. Today we were victorious!”
“Yeah!”
“Go red team!”
I waited for the shouts to die down before I continued. “All of you played your part, but a few brave souls distinguished themselves above all else. Nigel, please step forward.”
Everyone looked around. Eventually the crowd parted to let Nigel come up on stage. He looked so excited. “You’re acknowledging moi?”
“Yes. Now please kneel.”
“Oh.” His eyes grew round with excitement. “For…sexual reasons?”
“What? No.”
“But kneeling will put me right in line with…”
“Just kneel!” I whispered back, but the microphone caught it and amplified it a thousand times over.
Nigel knelt. And stared right at my crotch.
“Nigel,” I began. “You did not face the enemy directly, but you faced an enemy far more ruthless than even the whore-princess herself.” Why did I keep calling Chastity a whore? “You faced father time. And somehow, you emerged victorious. In little more than one turn of the clock, you crafted a dress truly fit for a princess. And with this dress, we sprung an ambush for the ages. For your fearless and masterful seamstressing, I reward you with…” I looked around. Where were the trophies? Other than my throne, the stage was pretty empty. “I reward you with the title of Seamstress of the Realm!”
Everyone was quiet.
Well that wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for.Then it hit me.Duh!Of course they weren’t cheering for him. I hadn’t even let him stand up.
“You may rise, Sir Nigel, Seamstress of the Realm.”
He stood and a few people cheered half-heartedly as he left the stage.
“Next I summon my most loyal handmaid, Frankie.”
I gave an eloquent speech about her, but no one seemed to respond much to that either.Man, tough crowd.
Next was Isadora.
“Lady Isadora, please come forward,” I said.
Isadora came forward and kissed my hand the way a subject would greet her king.
“Lady Isadora, for sacrificing your body in service of the kingdom…” I began. A few people snickered.Oops.I hadn’t meant it like that. “Silence, perverts! I speak not of her deflowerment, but of her valiant bravery and her use of the classic gambit, tree with false bosoms.Blossoms. Blossoms! Her bosoms are not false.” I drummed on them to prove my point, but they didn’t feel quite right. Now that I thought about it, they had looked way too perky when I’d seen them in the shower. They were definitely fake.
My face started to turn bright red. This was exactly why I hated public speaking.
Isadora saved me by flashing the crowd. The cheers she got made it clear that everyone preferred seeing her tits rather than my super awesome speeches, but I didn’t really understand why. I mean, I was kind of slaying it. Especially for not having anything prepared.
The final superlative was the most important. “Ryder, please step forward.”
