“Who, moi?!” said Homeless Rutherford in the most overdramatic way possible.
“Yes, yoi,” I said, trying to be clever. It did not sound clever. It just sounded like I forgot how to speak.
“Well now I regret keeping your pizza safe. I wasn’t even going to charge you for my services. But now…”
“How many times do I have to tell you that I do not have any spare money to pay you for your services.”
“Is he a prostitute?” whispered Chastity very loudly.
“I beg your pardon,” said Rutherford. “I’m not a prostitute. I’m a hardworking citizen who happened to come across some hard times. But if you have any honest work, I’m more than happy to help.”
“Just hand over the pizza,” I said. But then an even better idea came to me. “Actually, I’ll give you that entire pizza. You can lick it to your heart’s content. But there is one condition.”
Stalker Problems - Chapter 48 - My Third Wish
Tuesday – May 30, 2023
“Name your price,” said Rutherford with a little lick of his lips. I’d never seen someone so eager to lick a pizza.
How can I word this?I wanted to give him as little information as possible. I knew he licked pizzas, but it was entirely possible he’d love to lick all of my shiny new clothes too if he knew they existed. “I need to know if you’ve seen any construction workers in this building recently. Specifically on my floor and the floor above us. And the one above that.” I still couldn’t believe my closet had three stories.
He furrowed his brow, almost enough to knock his busted glasses right off his face. “Let’s see…there were those guys repairing the pothole on the corner. I’m glad they’re done. Those perverts kept wolf-whistling at me whenever I opened the door for a beautiful woman. Apparently seeing a gentleman in action really revved their engines, if you know what I mean.”
“Are you sure they were whistling at you?” I asked.Pretty sure it was probably more about the women…
Rutherford nodded. “Um, have youseenthis new pair of skinny jeans that I found on 5thAvenue a month ago?”
“I have.”But I wish I hadn’t.You can never unsee something like that.
“We’re getting a little off topic here,” said Chastity. “Listen, Rutherford. Ash’s smoking hot billionaire boyfriend turned her neighbor’s apartment into a three-story closet filled with millions of dollars’ worth of designer clothes, and we need to know how he did it. So did you see any construction workers in the building or not?”
No! Bad Chastity! Don’t tell him all that!
Rutherford stared at her. “Billionaire boyfriend? Three-story closet? Hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s insensitive to brag about such things to someone who lives in a cardboard box?”
I forced a laugh. “Chastity just has a weird sense of humor. I don’t actually have a three-story closet. But someone did do some unexpected construction work in my apartment without me knowing.”
“Mhm. Sure.” Rutherford did not sound convinced. “I’m afraid I can’t be much help, though. Because I didn’t see any construction workers in the building recently.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “How is that possible?”
He shrugged. “It’s not like I keep a constant watch. I’m a homeless man, not a security guard.”
“What about last Thursday?”
“Let me check my planner.” Rutherford pulled out a very worn-looking Playboy magazine and leafed to a random page. “Last Thursday I was dumpster diving at the Gochujang Palace, of course. Everyone knows that’s the day they throw out all theirunused shrimp.” He put his fingers to his lips and gave a chef’s kiss. “Delizioso!”
I suppressed a gag. “Dude, Thursday is exactly the day I was wondering about. Give me my pizza back!”
“That wasn’t part of the deal.” He opened up the pizza box and lickedallof it. Every inch. Then he sashayed away down the hall. “Ciao!”
“Damn it. Rutherford is the worst. And when did he get so Italian?”
“No idea,” said Chastity. “I know he said he isn’t here all the time, but he’s here an awful lot. What are the odds of Tanner being able to build such a massive closet without Rutherford or either of us seeing any construction workers? Or for that matter…how did we not hear them? They were doing renovations four floors above me a few months ago and it was the most annoying freaking thing in the world.”
“Yeah, it just doesn’t make any sense.” I walked into my apartment and flopped down on the couch.
“I told you it was vampire magic!”
