"Hey guys," I said. "Want some pizza?"
"Sure," said Chastity.
Liz woke up and wiped some drool off her face. "Pizza? Yes please."
"If you want," said Madison. "Just hurry up and order it. I’m starving.”
"Alright, watch this." I snapped my fingers and then opened the front door.
My friends all looked shocked when they saw the pizza sitting on my welcome mat. As I leaned into the hallway to grab it, I saw Homeless Rutherford sashaying down the hall.Oh no.I had a horrible feeling that the cheese on my pizza had just been licked.Damn it, pizza boy! Why didn't you knock like you were supposed to?
"How much do we owe you?" asked Liz.
"It was like $20." Is she really going to chip in?
She opened her purse and pulled out a crumpled-up bill. "This should cover it." She tossed it on the table and grabbed a slice.
I was about to stop her from eating the cheese that Rutherford had definitely just licked, but then I noticed that she had given me a single dollar. Not a singlebill. A single dollar. As in, a George Washington. One hundred cents. "That's perfect," I said. I choked back a gag as she bit into her slice.
Madison handed me a five. "How'd you summon this pizza?"
"Yeah," said Chastity. "It almost seemed like youwishedfor it and it just appeared."
"That reminds me of that weird letter that you got at your divorce party," said Madison.
"Ha, yeah," I said. "I forgot about that."Please let's not talk about it.I polished off my second wine cooler and then poured myself another glass of wine. I was so hungry, but I wasn't about to touch that infected pizza. A few Oreos would have to suffice.
“What do you guys think?” asked Chastity. She was holding a ruler up to the screen and scribbling numbers in a notebook with her other hand. “Is DJ Spaceboy 6’2? If you account for his distance from the camera…” She shifted her ruler to the paused image of the dancer’s junk. Her eyes got wide. “Wow, the dancer’s cocks are even bigger than I thought.”
I swirled the wine around in my glass. It was almost empty. "No wonder Joe got so mad when I told him that Spaceboy was my celebrity hall pass.”
Chastity spun around. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold everything. You guys had celebrity hall passes? And by Spaceboy…do you mean DJ Spaceboy only? Or all three of them? Because that’s apretty baller move to try to get a gangbang out of your celebrity hall pass."
"I never specified. But it wasn’t real.” Well, I mean…I fantasized about it. But that was beside the point. “I just said it to piss him off. He had come home late the night before and I was getting a little suspicious that he was cheating. Guess I was right.”
"God, I hate that asshole," muttered Madison.
"Fuck Joe," said Chastity.
"Yeah. Fuck Joe!" I drained my glass.
Chastity and Madison raised their glasses and drank them down. Liz would have too, but she had fallen asleep again. Or maybe Rutherford's germs had killed her.Oh well.
Madison slammed her empty bottle down on my coffee table. "We should take a selfie of us having fun to makehimjealous."
Was it really necessary for her to ruin my coffee table?God, I hated house guests. "Jealous of what? Not being here? I don't think he hated anything more than getting stuck participating in girls' night."
"You have a better idea?" asked Madison.
"How about a picture of Ash on a sexy date?" suggested Chastity as she poured us all more wine.
I nodded. "It's a good idea, but such a picture would only exist if I had actually gone on a date. And you all know that I don’tdate afterthe incident." And Incident #2. Which no one needed to know about.
Chastity stared at me. It felt like her eyes were boring into my soul. Did she somehow know about what I’d done to Dr. Lyons? I could mentally hear her saying, “Single Girl Rule #6: Always kiss and tell.”
Oh God, she knows!"Okay, fine!" I yelled. "I admit it. I'm a rapist."
Stalker Problems - Chapter 11 - The Contract
