It’s been two days, almost forty-eight hours, since my fight with Colton. His silence has been torture, and not knowing where he is feels like losing him all over again.
Now, here I sit at a small table in Rose’s Bean and Brew, staring blankly into my coffee cup. Avery and Lori would be here any minute for our first book club meeting, and although the last thing I wanted to do tonight was crawl out of bed, a part of me is glad to be here. To have some normalcy.
I scoffed at that thought. Normalcy. What was that? My body felt heavy, my eyes were tired and gritty from lack of sleep. If I did manage to doze off, it was usually because I’d cried myself to sleep from exhaustion, only to wake up with the same dull ache in my chest. History, it seemed, was determined to repeat itself. Colton had left again. Just like that. No word. No explanation. Just… gone.
Garrett was furious. When he came home and found me Sunday night, he knew something was wrong. He heard about Colton’s panic attack and was worried about him. But when I broke down and told him what happened, his concern for Colton vanished. I never saw his face get so red, he was muttering threats about finding Colton and “beating the shit out of him.” He’d meant it too, Garrett would do anything to protect me. And I didn’t miss the worried glances my parents shared with each other. I was most thankful for Owen. He had been my rock yesterday, just sitting with me on my bed, letting me cry on his shoulder without saying a single word.
In between crying to Owen, I’d talked to Avery endless times on the phone. She’d listened, offered comfort, and I could tell she felt guilty for telling me to be open and give Colton a chance. Hearing her admit her guilt made me feel bad. I didn’t want anyone blaming themselves for what happened. This was all on Colton and me.
I felt ridiculous. It was my desperate hope that pushed me to once again begin thinking things would be different. I felt foolish. I felt humiliated. And worst of all, I felt abandoned, again. The familiar pain of a decade ago was back, sharper, more defined this time because for a brief, beautiful moment, I’d actually believed it was different this time.
The bell above the door jingled, pulling me from my thoughts. Glancing up from my coffee, I see Avery walk in, Lori follows right behind her, a nervous but excited smile on her face. Maybe this was exactly what I needed. A distraction. If only for tonight.
Sliding into the booth across from me, Avery reached her hand across the table to take my hand. “Ember,” she began, her eyes filled with concern. “I’m so glad you decided to come.”
“Yeah, we couldn’t have our first meeting without you,” Lori added,her voice soft. “I was there Sunday night and saw Colton. How is he?”
Taking a deep breath, I answered, “I don’t know. He left town. No one knows where he’s gone. Or at least that’s what they’re telling me.” The reminder that when he disappeared before, no one told me anything then either, stung. Is that what they’re doing now? I wondered, suspicion washing over me.
Avery and Lori exchanged sympathetic looks, their faces mirroring my distress. “Ember,” Avery said, squeezing my hand gently, “whatever’s going on, just know we’re here for you. No matter what. You need me, call. No matter the time, I’m there.”
Lori nodded earnestly. “Absolutely. If you need anything at all, or just someone to listen, please don’t hesitate to call me. We don’t know each other that well, but I really want us to be friends.”
I managed a weak smile, a genuine warmth spreading through me despite the ache in my chest. “Thank you, both of you. Truly. I’m so grateful to have you. And this,” I gestured vaguely around the diner, “this distraction, it’s exactly what I needed.” I looked at Lori and said, “And I’d like for us to be good friends too.”
Needing to shift gears, the conversation turned to why we were here- our new adult book club. We decided on a day and time to meet, every Tuesday evening at seven o’clock, right here at Rose’s Bean and Brew. The diner offered a fun, familiar atmosphere, perfect for our discussions. I volunteered to create some eye-catching flyers and use my family’s growing social media presence to spread the word. “We can post on the farm’s Instagram and Facebook,” I suggested, maybe we could do some sort of video talking about it and the types of books we’ll be reading. Get everyone excited about it.”
Lori’s initial shyness quickly turned to excitement. She offered tohang a sign in the library and promised to mention the book club to patrons as they checked out. “I can also put together a small display of potential first reads, including new releases” she added, her eyes already gleaming with ideas. Avery, chimed in, “And I’ll start putting together a master list of books we can read and discuss. Everything from lighthearted rom-coms to dark and smutty. Maybe even some of those reallyhot and spicyones we’ve been reading, Ember.” She winked, and for the first time in forty-eight hours, I felt a genuine, unforced laugh bubble up. We continued to talk about themes, genres, before the conversation shifted to another fun idea, the possibility of doing a once-a-month girls’ night with snacks and lots of alcohol.
After we had gathered our things and were heading out the door, I heard my name called. Looking over my shoulder I saw Paula, Colton’s mom. It looked like she was putting bags into her trunk when she walked over to me.
Judging from the look on her face, she wasn’t doing much better than me. Her eyes looked puffy, and she looked tired, like she hadn’t been sleeping. My heart ached for her; as a mother, she must be utterly heartbroken to see her son so clearly struggling with what looked like panic attacks and possibly even PTSD.
Her gaze swept over me in a concerned way, her brow furrowed as she took in my tired eyes and the lingering sadness I couldn’t quite mask. She walked directly up to me and wrapped me in a warm and comforting hug.
“I am so sorry Ember,” she whispered. Pulling back just enough to look at me, she continued, “Would you… would you mind coming for a walk with me? Please. I promise not to take up too much of your time sweetheart.”
I didn’t hesitate. I loved Paula like a second mom and she could never take up too much of my time. “Yes,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “Of course, Paula. I’d like that. And you never take up too much of my time,” I told her as she took my arm in hers and we started walking.
We walked in silence for a while, the warm night air feeling good after being inside the air-conditioned diner. My mind was a jumble mix of anxieties, from Colton’s sudden departure- again, the fight, the words we both said, and didn’t say. Coming to a stop in front of a bench outside the closed antique store, we sat down, and Paula took my hand in hers.
“Ember,” she began, her gaze on mine, “I want to apologize.”
“Apologize?” I asked, confused. “For what?”
“For the past,” she said softly, her thumb stroking the back of my hand. “I know you’re hurting right now. And I know you’re probably still feeling hurt and betrayed, by your parents and by Jerry and me. You have every right to feel what you do for being kept in the dark about Colton, and what happened to him.” Her eyes pleaded with me to understand. “I want you to know though, Ember… it had nothing to do with you. Colton didn’t want anyone to know the extent of his injuries, or what he was going through. And as his mother, I had to respect that- even if I didn’t agree with it. I told him, time and again, he should have told you. He shouldn’t have pushed you away like that.” She shook her head, frowning. “It wasn’t fair to either of you.”
I nodded, the tears I’d been holding back finally starting to fall. I understood her reasoning, understood Colton’s reasons, perhaps even his guilt, to an extent. But that didn’t erase the ache. “I know, Paula,” I whispered, my voice thick. “I understand why you did what you did.But it doesn’t stop it from hurting. His choices… and even Mom and Dad’s. It just… it hurt- so bad. It’s still hurting.”
Paula’s arm went around me, pulling me into a warm, tight embrace that was comforting as I let the tears flow. “Oh, honey,” she murmured, stroking my hair. “I can’t begin to know what’s going through my son’s head right now. But what I do know is that he’s all twisted up. Confused. He’s finally dealing with ghosts he’s buried for years, with a guilt that’s been eating him alive.” She pulled back just enough to look me in the eyes, her own glistening. “And what else I know, Ember, is that my son loves you. He’s trying. And he’s going to keep trying. Just don’t give up on him, honey.”
Later that night, wide awake in my bed, the sheet twisted around my legs, Paula’s words kept echoing in my head.“My son loves you.”And,“He’s going to keep trying. Just don’t give up on him.”Her words, although I know were meant to comfort and reassure me, only made me more confused. Was he trying to fix himself for me, or for himself? As much as I loved the fact that Colton was willing to do anything for me, he needed to be doing this for himself. Not me. Not us. Colton had to focus on healing himself and he needed to face the guilt he felt for being the only survivor that day. And if his ‘trying’ meant just disappearing whenever things got tough? Then I wasn’t sure I wanted any of it if It only meant setting myself up for more heartbreak.
One moment, he was sweeping me off my feet with a perfect date, and the next, he was lashing out and disappearing just like before.
I was more confused than ever.
Chapter 26
