When I tried talking again she interrupted me. “I can’t stand that woman, Colton. She was an awful person back then and she still is. Knowing her lips were on you-” She stopped talking, shaking her head.The anger rolling off her.
My patience was meeting its quota for what I could deal with. I felt ready to snap. I didn’t ask for Bethany to kiss me, I didn’t want to be here, but I came for Ember. Couldn’t she see what she meant to me? Couldn’t she see I was trying?
Before either of us could say anything, the first firework exploded overhead, a deafeningBOOMthat rattled my bones. Another followed, then another. My vision blurred, the colors of the explosion morphing into the blinding flash of the IED. The smell of sulfur became the acrid scent of burning fuel. The cheers of the crowd became screams. The ground vibrated. My heart hammered, my breath caught in my throat, and the world spun. I stumbled back, my hands flying to my head, trying to block out the cacophony.
“Colton? Colton, what’s wrong?” Ember’s voice was distant, muffled.
Another explosion. My body tensed, every muscle screaming. I felt a cold sweat break out, my hands shaking uncontrollably. The flashbacks were overwhelming, pulling me under. I grabbed Ember’s arm, my grip probably too tight. Panic seized me. “I told you!” I roared over the sounds around us. “I tried to tell you! You didn’t listen!” I didn’t wait for her response. I couldn’t. I pushed past her, stumbling through the confused faces in the crowd, needing to get out, needing tobreathe, needing to get the hell away from here.
I ended up at the island behind my home, the small, secluded area beside the creek where we’d had our date just two nights ago. I collapsed on the ground, looking out at the water. My body was still trembling, the sounds of the fireworks still echoing in my skull.
I was still shaking with anger. I knew I shouldn’t have just left Ember standing there, but I needed to get away from her. I was right. I wasn’t good enough for her. I was a broken mess. The panic attack was slowly receding, replaced by a bitter, crushing certainty.
I’m not sure how long I sat there before I heard the sounds of footsteps behind me. Ember. She stood at the edge of the clearing, her face pale, her eyes red-rimmed.
“Colton,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“Go away, Ember,” I muttered, not looking at her.
“Colton, please don’t shut me out. I’m sorry I got so jealous back there. I had no right to take it out on you.”
When she tried placing her hand on my arm to turn me towards her, I jerked out of her touch. I needed to remember I wasn’t good for her.
“I tried telling you,” I repeated, my voice hoarse, the anger still simmering beneath the surface. “I told you I couldn’t handle it, but you didn’t listen. The moment I saw that look of disappointment on your face, I caved,” I said, my voice sounding more angry, as I started taking steps back, putting space between us. I wasn’t good enough. “I told you I’m broken. I’m not the man you want me to be. I’m not good enough for you.”
“That’s not true!” she snapped. “That’s your fear talking! I see you trying. You’re getting help!” Her voice rising, anger mixing with her hurt. “You are good enough. You tried-”
“And look what happened!” I shot back, finally looking at her, my eyes blazing with frustration and self-loathing. “I nearly had a goddamn breakdown in front of everyone! This is what you get, Ember! A broken man! Don’t you get it? I can’t be what you need! I can’t be that guy!”
“No. Stop saying that, Colton! You obviously don’t know what I need!” she cried, tears streaming down her face. “You don’t get to decide that for me! When I look at you, I see a man who went through hell and is finally asking for help! I see a man who still manages to care enough to try!” She walked closer. “Yes, it was hard! Yes, you’re hurting! But that doesn’t make you not good enough!”
Feeling the fight drain out of me. “Just… leave, Ember,” I said, turning away, the exhaustion was too heavy to continue this argument. She’d see reason. She’d have too.
”You gonna run again, Colton? Huh?” When I didn’t respond she continued on. “Tell me Colton James, is that what you’re going to do? Things get hard and you run away?”
“And you just push!” I shot back, our argument spiraling again, fueled by exhaustion, fear, and years of unresolved pain. “You’re so used to getting what you want, you just push, push, push. You don’t listen. You get a stick up your ass and storm off.” Things were getting out of hand. Words were being said neither of us could take back. Shaking my head, lowering my tone, I said, “You run too, Ember.”
She was shaking her head back and forth, tears streaming down her face. We could go back and forth, years of hurt and frustration making us say things we don’t mean. But I wouldn’t allow that. Ember refused to accept what I was trying to do and it was irritating. No matter how hard she tried convincing me I wasn’t broken, the darkness was too strong, the self-doubt too ingrained. I couldn’t see past it.
“Ember, please listen to me and go. I can’t do this with you.”
Her face was full of hurt. She looked like she was about to say something, but instead she turned and walked away, disappearing into the darkness, leaving me alone in my own hell.
I needed to talk to someone. Someone who would really understand what I was going through. Normally, I’d call Cade, but I had no way of reaching him. Besides, he still didn’t know what had been happening with Ember and me. I’d planned to try again, to finally tell him that I loved his sister. But I guess that’s one phone call I won’t be making.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I dialed the only other person I knew could help me.
He picked up after the second ring. “Colton? Is everything alright?” Alejandro asked, the concern in his voice was obvious.
Clearing my throat. “No. Everything is falling apart, I need to talk,” I pleaded. I had an urge to escape, to process everything alone, it was overwhelming.
I told Alejandro what happened. He listened, quietly as I told him I needed to get away to clear my head. He was worried about me, and thought I should at least let my parents know.
After making me promise him I’d meet him tomorrow at a small diner outside of town, I packed a bag, left a short note to my parents, grabbed my keys, and hit the road. I needed space. Time to think. To breathe. Without Ember. Without the pressure.
Chapter 25
Ember
