“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I’m here now because I can look you right in the eye and tell you that I love you. I’m choosing you. I’m in love with you…”
He silenced me with a kiss. Not one of his normal sweet morning kisses. Or his ravenous kisses. He was kissing me like he was still angry with me. And as much as I loved when he kissed me, I just wanted to fix this.
“I hate when you’re mad at me,” I said between kisses.
“I’m not mad at you.” He pulled back and ran his hand down his face.
“You seem mad.”
“I’m not.” He turned away from me.
“Miller, please just talk to me. I told you what happened. Now you know. But you still seem upset.”
“Because it should have been me. You should have chosen me. I should have been your first time. I should have been all your firsts. I never would have played with your heart. I never would have hurt you.”
I swallowed hard. “I know.” I did know that. I’d loved Matt. Or at least, I thought I had at the time. But the more time I spent away from him, the less I knew if my feelings for him had been real. How could they have been when his feelings for me had been so fleeting? Each day that passed made me realize it more and more. “I made the wrong choice back in New York. But I’m here now.”
I wrapped my hands behind Miller’s neck. “And you can’t be my first. But you can be my last.”
Instead of kissing me passionately, he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I’m not walking away from this conversation. But I need to grab some wood for the fire. It’s freezing in here.”
“Okay.”
I bit my lip as he headed back outside. I knew he said he wasn’t walking away from the conversation. But he was literally walking out of the house. The front door closed and I looked down at the bag in my hand. I put the condoms down on the kitchen counter. God, Matt was even ruining my life from hundreds of miles away.
Today was supposed to be perfect. And I’d messed everything up. Of course Miller needed to know what happened with Matt before our relationship went any further. There were holes in my story. He deserved to know all of it.
I sat down on the couch in front of the fireplace with no fire. So…I’d tell him everything.
***
“I know you wanted to see the Pacific Ocean. Was it everything you hoped it would be?” Miller ran his hand up and down my back, making patterns with his fingers.
He’d sat patiently with me the whole time I was talking. Just listening. He really was the best listener.
“No. I hated it.”
“Because you didn’t have any money? If this is about the money in that account…”
“It’s not.” I’d told him about working two jobs and barely having enough money to pay rent. But that wasn’t why I hated it. I wasn’t scared of hard work. “I hated every second of it because you weren’t there. I was at a beach but it wasn’tourbeach. It smelled wrong. And I missed waking up to you every morning.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm? Did you miss me too?” I looked up at him.
“Yes. I kept myself busy working. But no matter what I did, you’d always pop up in my mind. Like I couldn’t get rid of you.”
I laughed. “Were you trying to get rid of me?”
“No. But I was worried you wouldn’t come back to me.”
I swallowed hard. I think in my heart I knew I always would come back to him. I just wanted to be in one piece before I showed up on his doorstep. “I was always going to come back. Although, I was worried I’d be too late.”
“I wasn’t going anywhere.”
Matt had.I pushed the thought away.
Miller cleared his throat. “I know you said you’re okay. But you still cry when you talk about him.”
