I turned my head like I’d see him running alongside me. It was like images of Miller haunted me. More and more every day.
It was strange that I thought about Matt less. And Miller more. It was probably because I didn’t need to wonder if Matt was missing me. He most certainly was not. But was Miller missing me?
Did he think about me when he went for runs? Or when he cooked? Did he even do either of those things anymore? He hadn’t exactly loved those activities before he knew me.
He was probably sitting on his dock right now, staring at the lake. It’s why I’d picked the place for him. It just looked so serene. Kind of like how the beach house felt. I looked out at the Pacific Ocean. This wasn’t nearly as serene.
I started running faster, as if I could run away from the constant Miller loop in my head. But that was the thing. People weren’t forgettable to me. I wasn’t Matt.
***
I was down on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor. My second job was as a maid. I was just as invisible cleaning as I was serving food. But I liked this job more than my first. I liked using my hands and the muscles in my arms to scrub things. I liked taking a step back and seeing the visible difference. Like I was making an actual difference, even if I was invisible.
My uncle had been the janitor at Empire High. I knew people made fun of him behind his back for picking up after them all day. But this was hard work. Good work. And it wasn’t beneath me. It was in my blood.
I felt closer to him when I was working.
Like a little piece of him was here with me.
I plopped the sponge in the bucket and sat back on the floor. I remembered being on the bathroom floor in my uncle’s small apartment. I’d gotten sick after drinking too much. He’d been there to help me through it. He’d cared about me. He’d had my back. I didn’t realize how rare of a quality that was. And I missed him.
It was one of the reasons why thinking about Miller a lot didn’t make me run back to him. Because I thought of Uncle Jim a lot too. And my mom. I loved them all. Of course I thought about them.
The only difference was that Miller was still alive. It wasn’t the same. I could go be with him. We could be happy together. I knew that deep down. And yet…I didn’t run back to him.
I didn’t know if I could promise someone else forever right now. I honestly wasn’t sure I ever could. So I needed to stay here. I needed to stay here and figure out what I really wanted. Because if I ever saw Miller again, it had to be because I really wanted him. And only him. Forever.
I pulled the sponge back out of the bucket and got back to work.
But there was a nagging thought in the back of my head now. I was okay with just being okay. I was fine with my conclusion that happiness was just a bonus. And yet…I’d been happy with Miller. Even in a cage I was happier with him than I was right now. I was free and…fine.
I knew for a fact that the last time I truly smiled, it had been with him. The last time I really laughed? The belly aching kind? It was with Miller.
Was our situation perfect? No. We weren’t even allowed to leave the house the last couple months we were together. But…I still smiled and laughed.
I could remember it clearly.
I could barely remember laughing with Matt anymore. And honestly looking back at our relationship? He may have made me cry a lot more than he made me laugh. I shed so many tears over that boy. I still shed tears over him. When he did make an appearance in my dreams, I’d wake up devastated. Like I’djust lost him all over again. It was still hard to believe that he’d moved on so easily. That I was truly so forgettable. But…I guess I was.
I wondered if Miller was okay with me gone too? If he was happily kissing some other girl. If he never really loved me either.
Those were the questions that made me stay here. Yes, I was trying to figure out what I wanted. But I think I was mostly scared that Miller had moved on easily too.
And my heart couldn’t take that.
I scrubbed the floor harder. Trying to rid the annoying thoughts from my mind.
I could have fun on my own. I was going to have fun tonight. With new friends. I nodded to myself as I scrubbed harder. I could be happy here on my own.
Runaway - Chapter 26
Thursday
I stopped by a Goodwill on the way home from work. It took a little while, but I found something passable as chic on a budget.
I pulled on the summer dress and stared at my reflection in the chipped mirror in my bathroom. It wasn’t the right season for a summer dress, but I didn’t really care about that. I did care that it was a little shorter than I meant for it to be though. My legs were still tanned from summer and toned from my runs. And I didn’t want anyone staring at them. Or staring at me in general. I used to catch Miller staring at my legs sometimes. When we were curled up on the couch at night reading. I’d look up from my book and catch him staring at me. Although…I guess I’d been staring at him too.
I quickly pulled off the dress and tossed it on my bed. I didn’t want someone other than Miller staring at me. My chest suddenly hurt. I tried to rub away the pain as I pulled my worn jeans out of the hamper. They were casual and probably not at all what other people would be wearing at Barracuda. But I didn’t really care what other people were doing. I was going because I loved dancing. I would have been dancing right now as I cooked dinner anyway. At least this way I was socializing. I grabbed a clean tank top and my outfit was complete.
