How had I forgotten that? My mom’s life had been cut short. And I refused to waste a second of mine. I’d been wasting mine for nine months, letting myself be held captive. What was I doing?
I exhaled slowly. Or maybe I hadn’t been wasting it at all. Maybe I’d been falling in love with Miller. Slowly going from friends to more. The kind of love that was strong. And lasting. And real.
Honestly it was hard to know what was real at this point. I just needed some time to myself. Time to grieve my mother’s loss on my own. And my uncle’s loss. And losing Matt too. I needed to sort through this mess in my head before I figured out what I truly wanted. But right now I just wanted to lay here and talk to my mom.
“I have a lot to catch you up on,” I said.
Silence.
“I fell in love with a boy who was way out of my league. And for a little while he loved me too.”
Runaway - Chapter 24
Thursday
The Pacific Ocean was colder than the Atlantic. And it didn’t smell the same at all. I couldn’t really explain it, but it was all wrong.
I was hoping standing here would give me clarity. But all it did was make me miss the beach house. Or was it Miller I missed? It was both. It was definitely both.
The more days that passed, the more I realized that I kind of loved the cage my father had put me in. I loved my routine there. I loved running on the beach with Miller and the lazy days swimming in the ocean. I loved reading next to him, sprawled out on the couch. And I loved dancing with him as we cooked. I loved my cage.
And I didn’t know what that said about me.
I needed to figure out how to be happy without being in isolation.
I wasn’t really sure I knew how to be happy on my own.
I needed to learn what it meant to be…me. Because I wasn’t dead. I was here, breathing, staring at an ocean I hated.
But it was still the beach. I’d loved being at the beach with Miller. I needed to see if I liked it on my own just as much. I needed to figure out my shit.
I sat down in the sand and stared at the crashing waves in the distance.
I needed clarity.
But right now everything just hurt.
Runaway - Chapter 25
3 Months Later - Thursday
I liked waiting tables. I observed happy couples and families on vacation. They reminded me that happiness was possible. And I needed that reminder most days.
But the best part? Patrons treated me like I was invisible. And I liked being invisible. When I’d first stepped foot into Empire High, I was completely invisible to the other students. I kind of wondered what would have happened if I’d stayed that way. If I’d never stared at Matt. If I’d never made my way onto Isabella’s shit list. Would I still be going there? Would I be happier?
I shook away the thought. I was perfectly fine here. I’d come to the conclusion that happiness was just a bonus in life. Living was the real gift. And I was living. I didn’t need to smile and laugh all the time. I just didn’t. I’d take being invisible-and-okay over visible-and-in-pain any day. And I felt pretty okay here.
I refilled one tables’ drinks. They didn’t even look up to thank me. Which was fine. The less people that bothered to look me in the eye, the better. Isabella was probably off at some prestigious college now. Hopefully she wasn’t thinking at all about me. But…it was better to be safe.
Especially because my hair dye was slowly fading away. My hair was past my shoulders again. I wanted to keep my identity a secret. But I also wanted to be me again.
I grabbed two plates full of pancakes and eggs and set them down on one of the tables I was waiting. “Anything else I can get for you?”
“Nope,” the man said, without making eye contact.
It was rude. And perfect. “Enjoy.” I hurried away and looked up at the clock. Only twenty more minutes until my shift ended. I worked the breakfast shift. At first I hated it. Because it meant that I had to run in the hot summer sun in the afternoon. But now that it was fall? My schedule was perfect. The cool breeze coming off the ocean was perfect for a midday run.
I had a great routine. Wake up. Get my free breakfast included with my work. Do my shift. Run. Jump around in the freezing cold water for a bit. Head to my second job. Come back and cook while dancing alone. Then read until I fell asleep. Rinse. Repeat.
