I took a deep breath and left the beach house. I climbed into my rental car and drove away. And when I pulled onto the interstate, I was very aware that I might be following my head instead of myheart. I was going back to New York. Back to Matt. Back to where I was supposed to be.
It was the first decision I’d gotten to make for myself in months. And apparently I’d gotten really bad at making my own choices. My stomach was twisted in knots. Each mile closer to Matt made me feel like I was betraying Miller. But I had the odd sense that I’d feel the same way if I was driving toward Miller instead. I’d feel guilty for not driving toward Matt. I had to do this. I needed answers.
I took a deep breath. I tried to remember what it felt like to fall asleep in Matt’s arms. I remembered feeling whole. Content. Optimistic. He’d pieced me back together after my mom died. After my uncle died.
But so had Miller. Miller had also been there for me when Matt didn’t have my back. Miller let me hang out with him when I was scared of my dad. And he’d held me together for the past nine months.
I hadn’t even known Matt nine months.
I slowly breathed in and out. None of the particulars mattered. The truth was that Miller held me tight every night. And I dreamed of Matt. I dreamed of Matt coming to save me.
But that was the thing. I hadn’t really needed him to save me. I just needed him to not forget. That wasn’t asking too much.
Matt still loved me. I felt it in my bones. Because I still loved him too.
I was making the right choice. And I was proud of myself. I was going to New York. And I was going to live happily ever after with the first boy I ever fell in love with.
Runaway - Chapter 22
Monday
I rolled down the windows of the car, happy to have the fresh air in my hair. When my dad told me I couldn’t go outside anymore, Miller had been wonderful about letting me open a window to let the breeze in. As long as we were watching the window at all times. Which meant not at night, which made it hard to sleep.
After all, one never knew when Isabella might crawl through the window with a machete. I wouldn’t put it past her. She had killed a cute dog and painted a threat in Matt’s room with the little guy’s blood. She was crazy. I truly hoped she was getting the help she needed. But I wasn’t going to wait around for her to be sane. That could be a lifetime.
Maybe that’s why my stomach twisted into more knots the closer I drove toward NYC. I didn’t know where the institute Isabella was staying was located. And it felt like I was driving toward danger just as much as it felt like I was driving home.
It was possible that Isabella was already out. My dad hadn’t visited in a couple weeks. And I had a suspicion he wasn’t going to make her miss her first semester of college. So…she could be free. Out there thinking I was alive.
I tried to shake away the thought. I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. And I didn’t want to waste another second of my life thinking about Isabella.
I wondered if Miller had reached his new place yet. Did he like it? I’d spent a lot of time searching for what I thought wouldmake him happy. That’s what I wanted. For him to be happy. It’s all I wanted. Miller deserved the whole world.
I smiled as the breeze went through my hair. It reminded me of running on the beach with Miller. It was strange. I’d spent the fall, winter, spring, and summer with Miller. I’d only ever spent one fall with Matt. The summer breeze didn’t remind me of Matt at all. And it was weird that something that didn’t remind me of him could make me so happy.
I knew Miller in every season. I loved him in every season.
Stop.
God, what was I doing?
I wanted to turn the car around. I wanted to press down on the gas harder to get to Matt faster. I didn’t know what I wanted at all.
I took the first exit I could and pulled into the rest stop. I wished my mom was here. She’d know what to do. She always had the best advice. And she hadn’t lived long enough for me to ask her advice about boys.
But I knew her well enough to know what she’d suggest at this moment.Ice cream.I smiled. Yup, she definitely would have recommended ice cream. Ice cream was a cure-all at our house. I climbed out of the car and wandered into the rest stop. I kept my sunglasses on. My hair was still nothing like it used to be, but I wanted to make sure no one recognized me. I wouldn’t put it past Isabella to run me off the side of the highway and kill me road rage style.
I ordered some mint chocolate chip ice cream and sat down in a plastic seat, as far away from anyone else as possible. I picked up my spoon and was just about to take a bite when my stomach twisted further into knots.
Miller would have suggested ice cream too. Whenever I was upset, it was like he knew I needed a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. He kept the freezer stocked full of it. Did Matt even know I liked mint chocolate chip ice cream? I couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t I remember? It suddenly seemed like a very important thing he should know about me.
And now I was sitting here wondering if I was craving ice cream because my mom would have suggested it or because Miller would have.
I missed my mom.
I stared into my bowl. I missed Miller too.
And I wasn’t hungry anymore. I set the bowl down on the table.
