Maybe I shouldn’t be going to Matt or Miller. When Miller first drove me to the beach house, I’d told him we should head west instead. I’d always wanted to touch the Pacific Ocean. I wondered if it was the same as the beaches here. The same salty smell in the air. I could just drive away from all of this. Start over completely. I had a new passport in the car. A new identity. A fresh start where no one knew me.
But…I didn’t really want to disappear. I loved the life I’d made with Matt. And I loved the life I had with Miller. I didn’t want to start over. I just didn’t know where I wanted to keep going.
I sat in the rest stop until my ice cream melted. I was frozen. I was frozen in time. It was like I’d stopped living. Which was a crime in and of itself. I knew better than that. Life was short. And I knew why I was frozen.
I needed to see Matt. I dumped my melted ice cream and headed back out to my car. I couldn’t move forward until I had answers. I’d made up my mind about this. And I was only second guessing everything because I didn’t know what I wanted to see. Matt mourning me? Matt being happy? Even though that last one felt like a knife in my heart, I still wanted that for him. I just wanted him to be happy.
Just like I wanted Miller to be happy.
It was time to rip the Band-Aid off. I needed to know the truth. I needed Matt to know the truth. I couldn’t run away from this. Or hide on the west coast because I was scared.
I pulled back onto I-95. I was a Sanders. And Sanders were brave. My mom was brave as she faced death. My uncle was brave too. And if they were brave facing the unknown, I could be brave facing the unknown too.I’m a Sanders. Not a Pruitt.
***
I parked the car down the street from Matt’s, right in front of James and Rob’s place. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because I was scared about what I was about to see. And if I needed a pick me up, Rob could make me laugh. Or James could sit with me while I cried. I wondered if they really were all friends again. I also wondered why I was thinking about the Hunters at all. I was here for Matt.
I didn’t need Rob to make me laugh. Or to drown in sorrow with James. I needed Matt. My heart was racing so hard in my chest that it actually hurt.
Now that I was parked here, staring at his house down the street, I knew I’d made the right decision. This place had become my home. I never thought I would fit into his world…but I did. We fit. It was as simple as that.
I pulled on a baseball cap to hide my identity even more. I checked my reflection in the mirror. Sunglasses, a hat, and hair that wasn’t mine. No one would know. And Isabella was locked up.Probably.I was fine.
But what if she really was out? It wouldn’t be out of the question for her to be in one of the houses on this street. She was friends with the Untouchables.Kind of.She could easily be staring at me from the Hunter’s mansion.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I climbed out of the car. I kept my eyes trained on the ground, hoping no one would try to talk to me. Not that there was anything to worry about. The neighborhood seemed deserted. School was going to start up in a couple weeks. I wondered if everyone was on vacation. Maybe all these people had houses in the Hamptons like my dad. They were off vacationing. Living life. Not remembering the girl who died last fall.
I stopped on the street outside Matt’s house. There weren’t any cars in the driveway, but that wasn’t unusual. They had a five-car garage. I stared at the gargoyles on either side of the front steps. I remembered how haunting they’d looked the first time I came here. But I actually thought they were kind of cute now.The house didn’t look nearly as menacing. Maybe I’d just lost my mind. I didn’t find the beach house menacing either. It had been my prison and I…kind of liked it. I didn’t know what menacing was anymore.
I tried to shake away the thought. I didn’t need to be second guessing myself anymore. I’d made my choice. I was here. For Matt. I stood up a little straighter. This was my home. This was where I belonged.
I looked up at the second story. Was Matt in his room? Was he thinking of me?
My heart started racing even more at the thought. I remembered our first kiss in the auditorium. The one he stole. I thought about how he’d sung to me on the homecoming float. I could almost smell his cinnamon exhales.
And just like that…I wasn’t scared anymore. I was excited. I was so excited to see him. I hurried up the long driveway and up the front steps.
I knocked before I lost my nerve. There were a million thoughts circling around in my head. The first being that I probably should have thought of what to say. If his butler answered, should I pretend to be a salesperson or something? Or confess everything to him so he’d let me in? What if Matt’s mom answered? Would she recognize me? God, I missed her hugs. And I could really use a hug right now.
Or maybe Mason would answer and pick me up and twirl me around in a big hug. Or maybe Matt himself would answer. My heart beat even faster. It felt like it was going to explode outof my chest. I’d dreamt of being reunited with him. Countless times.
He’d be upset at first. Then relieved. Then he’d be on me. I imagined him not even being able to wait to have me again. Pressing my back against the door.
But I didn’t have to think about any of their reactions. Because no one answered the door. I lifted the heavy knocker and knocked again.
No answer.
Damn it.They were probably off vacationing somewhere extravagant. Not thinking about me at all.Stop.I knocked again.
No answer.
But I heard…laughter? Maybe? From somewhere. I tried to peer into one of the big windows, but the curtains were drawn tight.
I heard the noise again.
Oh.The Caldwells had a pool. They were probably all out back hanging out and relaxing. I remembered seeing the closed pool, looking forward to the summer when it would open.
I made my way back down the front steps and across the lawn. Even though I’d missed a lot of seasons with Matt, I had dreamt of a lot of them. All of them. I’d dreamt of our fairytale wedding in the winter. Lazy spring days when he didn’t have football practice. And summer fun in his backyard in the pool. I’d wanted all those things. I’d been looking forward to all of it with him.
