My dad cleared his throat. “Sorry, I should have made myself more clear.I’llspeak to him. Or…I’ll try to.” He handed me the phone.
I looked down at the screen. I recognized Matt’s number. My father had sent him a text. He said he had something important to discuss with Matt.
And Matt hadn’t responded.
He’d said nothing at all in response.
That knife that had slowly eased from my chest over the past few months was back. Slowly twisting. I wanted to pretend it was because Matt didn’t know who was texting him. But my dad had said it was Mr. Pruitt. It reminded me of when my dad told me that Matt had said nothing at all at my fake funeral. Like I’d been completely erased from his mind. Like I meant nothing.
“Can you text him again?” I asked. “Maybe he didn’t see it?”
“I’ll try again soon.” He took the phone back and put it in his pocket.
My dad was a liar. I knew that. And yet…that was Matt’s number. Matt hadn’t responded. Wouldn’t he be desperate for news about me? I felt desperate every day. Although, maybe a little less now than I had at first.
I felt comfortable here with Miller. And safe, just like my dad wanted me to be. It was why I didn’t want to move to a new place. It was why I’d cut and dyed my hair to pacify him. I liked it here. Which I’d never expected to. I liked waking up to the sound of crashing waves and seagulls. I liked seeing Miller’s smiling face every morning. I felt…less empty now than I had when we’d first arrived.
And for some reason that made me feel guilty. I wasn’t supposed to feel less empty. I was supposed to be trying to escape. And I was worried my father’s accounts of back home were messing with my head. There was definitely something I’d been thinking about over and over again. “Those pictures you showed me before Christmas. Are you sure they were…current?” Maybe they were old. They could have easily been taken before I moved to New York. Kennedy had a crush on Felix. It made sense for the two of them to look close in the pictures. And the Untouchables had all been friends before I messed everything up too. And Matt had hooked up with a lot of girls. I knew that.
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I wouldn’t show you fake pictures.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to believe him. But I kind of did. “I thought Matt looked sad in the one with that girl.” The picture was burning a hole in my pocket right now. Well, half of it. I’d torn off the side with the random girl and thrown it out. But I kept the picture of Matt with me at all times. Because some days I needed to see the sadness in his eyes too. It made me feel less alone.
“I have more if you want to see what everyone is up to.”
I wanted to be strong enough to turn down his offer. But I wasn’t. I was eager for more information. I wanted to hear and see everything I could. I missed my friends. I missed Matt. My father was the only interaction I had with the outside world. I’d take whatever he could give me.
He pulled out a new manilla envelope and handed it to me.
I hated every picture. Because maybe I was making it up…but Matt looked less sad. Less tired. Less…empty. I knew I’d just thought the same thing about myself. I was a total hypocrite. But at the same time, I wasn’t sure I looked any less sad or depressed. I still wore that pain like a mask. Partially to protect my heart. Partially to keep Miller in the friend zone. I was definitely still sad.
But…I smiled more now than I did at first. Miller was great at making me laugh. Every night since Christmas, while we cooked together, Miller turned the volume way up and we danced. I had fun with him. Could I really be mad at Matt for having fun too?
I paused halfway through the pictures, on one of Matt cozied up to a new girl.
I’d been cozying up to Miller too. On nights when it was hard to breathe, I climbed into his bed uninvited. And he held me without saying a word. Miller was my rock.
I’d be a hypocrite for being upset with Matt.
But I also knew what kind of man Matt was before he met me. He slept around a lot. He’d hooked up with practically the whole cheerleading team. Was he doing that now?
Yes, I’d cozied up to Miller. But I hadn’t once kissed him. I’d been loyal to Matt. He was my fiancé. Did Matt remember that? Did he remember me?
I loved Matt. I wanted him to be happy. But it stung that he was so happy without me by his side.
“Are you sure you want me to try to reach out again, angel?”
I nodded. Even if it was just to know Matt had moved on. I needed to know. I needed to know everything.
I looked out the sliding glass doors at Miller. He was out on the deck reading. He loved nonfiction books. I joked around with him about it. I preferred fiction because I loved living someone else’s life for even just a little bit. Miller never acted like he needed an escape though. He was just happy here. With me.
I kept him at arm’s length because I’d made promises to Matt. It wasn’t fair to Miller. I knew that. Would everything change if Matt had moved on? Would I want more with Miller?
Yes.
I didn’t even have to think about it. There were lots of nights I wished he’d kiss me. But I knew he wouldn’t. Because I filled the silence with stories about Matt. I’d put him so far into the friend zone that there was no wiggle room.
If Matt had truly forgotten all about me though? Yeah, I’d want more with Miller. And I felt guilty for even thinking about it.
