“Can I still see my abuela?” Jacob asked.
“Of course,” Tanner said. “It’s not too far away.”
Jacob looked up at me. “I’d like a yard, Mommy.”
“Thank you, Tanner,” I said. “Just for a bit until we find our own place.”
“I’m sure that will happen faster than you think.” He smiled and then walked back up to the house.
I didn’t know what he meant by that. But I turned back to Jacob. “Come here, baby.” I sat down on the edge of the dock, letting my legs hang off the side.
He sat down next to me.
“Where did you have the most fun with Daddy?”
Jacob pointed to the water.
“That’s what I was thinking too.” I looked out at the lake. “Your father will always be in the stars. But there’s a piece of him in here.” I tapped the side of the urn. “I think he’d like being in the water, don’t you?”
“He’d really like that, Mommy.”
“Yeah.” I tried to blink my tears away. “Do you want to take the boat out to the middle?”
Jacob nodded.
I needed to move my body. Rowing the boat would help get rid of some of this nervous energy in my veins. Maybe bring me some semblance of peace, if only for a few minutes.
I untied the little rowboat and helped Jacob into it.
Miller loved this house.
We’d wanted to raise our family here.
And even though Jacob didn’t want to live here right now, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t want to come back eventually. I’d never sell this house. We’d keep it.
No, Miller wasn’t next to me anymore. But his memory was here. In this yard. In this lake. He was everywhere. I missed him more than life. But he’d keep living here. And we could visit whenever we wanted. Maybe when our hearts were beating normally again.
Miller would want his ashes here. I rowed the boat out to the center of the lake. Miller always used to row it. And the ache in my arms was a welcome distraction.
When we reached the middle of the lake, Jacob climbed into my lap and wrapped his arms around me.
I kissed his forehead and hugged him back.
Neither of us knew what to say. But as we sat there in silence, that felt okay. Because this wasn’t goodbye. I’d love Miller until the day I died. This would never be goodbye.
I let Jacob turn the urn upside down and dump the ashes into the lake.
“Now he’s in the lake and the sky,” Jacob said.
I nodded. “And right here.” I put my hand on his chest. “Always right here.”
Homecoming - Chapter 25
Thursday
Matt
Nigel was pretending to read the newspaper while I watched TV, but I could see him staring at me over the top of it. And he kept sighing heavily whenever he stole a peek.
