“Jacob, stop!” I ran after him, catching up to him on his little legs. I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms.
“Nooooo!” Jacob said as he tried to fight his way out of my grip. But it wasn’t just his normal elongated version of the word. It was filled with heartache as the tears started. “Noooo.” He said again as the fight left him and the tears poured down his cheeks.
I pulled him to my chest.No.Yeah. He had that right.No.None of this was fair. None of this should have happened.
“Noooo,” he sobbed.
I didn’t know what to say to make it right. I didn’t know how to make his heart stop hurting when mine was hurting too.
“Please don’t leave me too,” Jacob said as he looked up at me.
I’d been in his shoes before. I’d lost my mom and my uncle. And I’d felt that same thing. That they’d left me. But now that I was older…I saw it differently. They hadn’t wanted to leave me all alone. They loved me. And Miller loved us. He hadn’t left. He was taken. “Sweet boy, your father didn’t choose to leave you. He’d never choose to leave us.”
“But he’s gone.”
“No.” I put my hands on both sides of his face. “Never.” I made sure he was staring back at me. “Nunca.”
“Nunca? You promise?” Jacob said. His bottom lip was still trembling.
“Jacob, your father will never be gone. Do you hear me? He’ll be right here with us. In your heart.”
“And in the stars,” Jacob said, remembering what I’d told him.
“The brightest star.”
Jacob nodded. “I want to go home.”
“This is our home.”
He shook his head, making my hands fall from his face. “I want my abuela. And to play with Scarlett.”
“Is that really what you want? You want to stay in the city?”
“Yessie. He’s okay too,” Jacob said and pointed to Tanner.
I smiled. Yeah, Tanner was okay too.
Tanner cleared his throat and walked over to us. “I arranged for this to be here. I thought you might want to spread his ashes.” He handed me an urn. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to keep it. Or maybe spread them here.” He pulled off his hat and held it to his chest, paying his respects.
I looked down at the container in my hands. Miller’s presence was so big. This didn’t feel big enough. And I didn’t know what to do with it. I looked back up at Tanner. “What did you do? When you lost the woman you loved?”
“Oh, I…” he looked out at the water. “I would have spread her ashes if that had been a choice.”
“Why wasn’t it?”
He cleared his throat. “It happened…abroad.” He shook his head, like he was shaking away the memory. “I’m going to give you two a moment alone. Do you maybe want me to box a few things up for you?” Tanner asked.
“Um…” I looked back at Jacob.
Jacob nodded. “I want everything from my room.”
“Jacob, we don’t have a place to stay in the city. We can’t take everything right now…”
“I actually think I have a solution for that,” Tanner said. “I was just about to put a place up for sale, but the two of you could stay there.”
“Tanner, that’s so generous, but I can’t…”
“I insist. The Alcaraz’ apartment wasn’t meant for four. Plus, this place has a yard for Young Jacob to play in.”
