When the attack finally tapers off, I explain to the men standing over us with stricken faces that I have asthma and get panic attacks sometimes, mostly due to shock or stress, and that they started when I was young.
Raven sweeps my hair from my face.“My father gets panic attacks, too.But he doesn’t have asthma.I wondered about it because I’ve noticed some of the signs, and I’ve seen you use your inhaler a few times.”
“The two don’t always go hand in hand, asthma and panic attacks.I’m just one of the unlucky ones plagued by both.”
Afterwards, as we sit and wait while Bodie and Cap check on Finn.In the silence, my thoughts tunnel down a darker road, to all Finn went through over the years.How hard he’s searched for answers, and fought through so much pain to do so, to the point it was fucking killing him.But he kept doing it because he couldn’t let me go.
Look at me!Look at my fucking chest and tell me you didn’t mean shit to me!Christ, Little Bird.Can’t you see you meant everything to me?
God, Finn.
The tattoo on his chest is a black silhouette of a woman standing by a tree, and parts of her are transforming into dozens of birds that take flight up and over the other side of his chest and neck.I’ve been in denial.Altering the meaning to fit my version of our story.
It feels like I’ve spent half my life searching for you.
He had, and I won’t let him hurt himself searching for answers anymore.I’ll give him whatever answers he needs, anything I have in my power to give.
It’s a promise I intended to keep.To myself and him.I’ll fight for him, with him, and I won’t tell him one more fucking lie to save myself from the fallout.I’ll help him through this in any way I can.Take care of him, like he once took care of me.
CHAPTER 49
The flipside of what sustains us is that it can also drain us of life when absent.
I feel a feather-light touch on my arm, then my face.My body is impossibly heavy, every muscle thick with exhaustion, and my eyelids refuse to cooperate.But that touch, so soft and delicate, drifts down my arm, and then unexpectedly, gives warmth when a hand grips mine.
“Finn.”Her angelic and soothing voice pierces through the fog clouding my head.“Can you open your eyes, baby?”
It’s a lifeline, pulling me closer to the surface.
“Finn.”
My head hurts, a dull ache radiating through my skull, but muted, somewhat distant, which I’m thankful for.When I blink open my eyes, her form slowly sharpens.She sits beside me.Lily.Even in my hazy state, I’d know those features anywhere.
She rises slightly from her seat, and for a second, fear that she’s going to disappear and that this dream is ending fills me.My hand tightens around hers instinctively, desperate to keep her here, with me.But the image doesn’t disappear.Instead, she leans over me.Her fingers brush through my hair, smoothing it back from my face with the gentlest touch.
“Hey, baby,” she whispers, her voice soft, but a touch of sadness lingering beneath the surface.
“Lil’,” I murmur, my voice hoarse.
“I’m here,” she says, her swollen and red-rimmed eyes locking onto mine, and I can’t look away.
“What happened?”
She frowns and her brows bunch together.It tugs at my chest, pulling at the ache that’s been there for so long.“Too many pills, baby.We nearly lost you.”
I close my eyes, the weight of it all pressing down on me.
“Hey, hey.Look at me,” she says.
She’s beautiful—so fucking beautiful—even without the makeup, without the armor she usually wears, and she’s never looked more real to me than in this moment.Puffy eyes and all.There’s a messy bun piled on top of her head, and she’s wearing an oversized hoodie.
I study her tender expression.The warmth in my chest spreads, a combination of relief and regret.“You called me, baby,” I murmur, the words slipping out before I can stop them.
She chuckles softly, and the sound wraps around me like a blanket, comforting and familiar.
“Am I dreaming?”This feels too good to be anything but a dream.
“No, baby.This is real.”Her fingers trail over my forehead and temple, then through my hair again, and it’s feels so fucking good.I never want it to stop.“Stay with me, Finn,” she whispers the gentle plea.A feather-light touch brushes across my lips.
